breathing space 11:38 pm on Sunday, September 30 2007

Its not that it has been hectic, but I have been working and I have not had a weekend. Well, I got a sunday, sort of, of sorts, with room to get myself back home, time to do a shop, room to make a couple of phone calls, clean the fireplace (in readiness for the first log burning evening, which I anticipate is imminent) and unpack my bags.

The wee space I have had is going to have to be enough, and it is, for tomorrow another working week begins; but in just a few more days, I have a whole weekend. All to myself, and to share with friends. Let the countdown begin.

poles, accents, and explanations 11:33 pm on Sunday, September 30 2007

I got onto the bus in Inverness. The Polish driver, from Chicago, spoke to me and concluded that I was Italian.

I arrived at the airport, and a guy spoke to me, in Polish. He thought I was from Poland.

We boarded the plane, an hour late, and the pilot explained that the reason for the delay was restricted european flight space - in Poland.

memories 10:42 pm on Sunday, September 23 2007

Some stay for ever. Some fade. I don't seem to be able to select which is which. I just try to trust that my memory will do justice to the past.

I kept diaries on and off (mainly on) for a good 16+ years of my life. In recent years this hasn't been the case. Pages and pages, many books, of records. So I have lost one year of words to a thief. It hurts, as it was indeed a critical year, when emotions were especially raw and extraordinary change occurred. But it is a part of the past, and perhaps the message is, leave it in the past, and let it go. My memory, that can not be stolen by another, will provide me with enough to motivate me, encourage me, and guide me.

My memory, my experience, my knowledge, and my friends. Thats a rich mix. If scribblings on papers are gone, then so be it. Some things can't be stolen.

before sleep 1:10 am on Sunday, September 23 2007

Hello friend

I am away to bed. how are you, I wonder? I slept in late this morning (after a late night out, enjoying the stunning sounds of a fantastic band in a pub that I want to own!) I did some work, I mowed the lawn, I bought bargains in the supermarket, I cooked, and I listened to loud music (neighbours are away)

I also spent time on the phone. Friends. And their lives. Whenever you or I wonder if we are alone in the complications - and sometimes the pain - we face, we can do ourselves a favour by remembering that there is always someone, somewhere out there, who understands.

Loneliness is all in the mind. It is not real. Not if you are open to the possibilities of unity and understanding. When you share, doors open.

lyrics 12:59 am on Thursday, September 20 2007

Rascal Flatts to be precise. Theyre great, so just rock - and roll - and enjoy, please!

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow and each road leads you where you want to go. If you are faced with the choice and you have to choose I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walking til you find the window. If its cold outside, show the warmth of your smile

My wish for you, is that your life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small. You never need carry more than you can hold. And while youre out there getting where youre getting to, I hope somebody loves you and wants the same things too This is my wish

For you, and me, one and all.

cryptic 12:42 am on Thursday, September 20 2007

A fantastic phone call came through today. However, it also got me seething again, over the papers I have had stolen. I might have the opportunity to be involved in a potentially brilliant project. It is an opportunity and a half. To lose - so recently and unkindly - a personal and irreplaceable record that would have helped with this project, the timings are confusing.

What is the message, what is the reason, what will follow? I guess that only time will tell

mailshot 9:44 am on Monday, September 17 2007

Its overdue but its on its way! Today I am sticking labels, sticking stamps, and running back and forth to the letterbox with armfuls of springback news, sending it out across the uk, to let you, and everyone else, know what we are up to and what we would can provide for you.

We hope to hear from you soon!

violation 9:43 am on Monday, September 17 2007

4 years ago, when I lived in south london, I left my car at the station for 24 hours when I was away on my travels for work. When returned it was evening and dark and I found the door was not locked. I cursed myself for being so careless.

Then I realised that whilst I'd been away I'd had a visitor.

Someone had been in my car. Lucky for me there was nothing in the car that caught their attention and nothing had gone.

It wasn't until the following day, off on my travels again - in the car this time - I realised that I had not been so careless as to leave my car when I left it. The lock had been tampered with and was very damaged, my visitor had not come across an unlocked car, he/she had in fact broken in.

3 years ago, when I lived in bedfordshire, and just after I had come to the end of a year spent renovating my cottage, I got another unwelcome surprise. Getting home late from work one night, I was locked out of my own home. Via the neighbours access I went around to the back of the house, whereupon the cat jumped out of a wide open window - evidently forced open with a crowbar. Peering in, in the darkness, I was aghast. My home had been trashed.

This week, it was the turn of the car again. A bag packed with best clothes for a weekend away, and (somehow more painful to accept) a bag full of some (alot of) immensely personal and irreplaceable pages of writing had gone. I know that people are far more precious than possessions and I also believe that what comes around goes around but I just can't quite as yet find rhyme or reason to accept what I have lost.

Incredibly, the colleagues - who over the years have also become friends - of mine who live where this latest incident happened were caring and generous enough to go out looking for my things the following day, and amazingly some of my clothes have been found. For that I am very grateful and I owe the finders a huge thank you. I always knew what kind people they were and this just reaffirms this, and I am lucky.

If the writings I also lost are gone forever then I will have to deal with that in time, and in time I will of course. It does hurt though.

28th october 99 12:47 am on Thursday, September 13 2007

When I just let go of all my hang ups and just chat to people as me, it feels so nice. I spend so much time worrying about what is going to happen next, whats going to go wrong, that I lose myself and miss out on so much. Feeling frightened carries a heavy price Theres so much pain inside of me, havent I cried enough already? Half heaven half hell the two halves clash and I keep on running..

I picked up a page of my writing that contained these words. In many ways it is like reading someone elses words and yet I know - and feel - only too well, that these words were mine. From the past. And I live life today, and I have progressed into the present.

to do, so much to do 12:32 am on Thursday, September 13 2007

I have alot going on. At least that is the way that it feels, and is more or less the way that it is. I am one of those who can sometimes be prone to getting stuck when there is lots happening. I can find myself looking at all of it and just looking, and looking, and doing anything and everything - or nothing - else, other than the things in front of me that are begging to be addressed. And then I go to bed and worry about how much I have to do.

On the other hand, often at the 11th hour, I am brilliant (oh yes!). After doing plenty of the above, running around in random circles and getting anxious, I suspect that another 11th hour is imminent. It better be

3bt #13 12:26 am on Thursday, September 13 2007

1. Running in the fields with a happy puppy.

2. Bath full of bubbles and wallowing in relaxation and dreams and warmth.

3. An evening spent at home, candles flickering, music playing, a bottle of wine is open and Katy is here and we are chatting and laughing and reflecting and just being.

pecking order 9:18 pm on Monday, September 10 2007

Breakfast

1.Aggie (miaow)

2. Billy (woofster)

3. Al

Lunch

1. Billy

2. Al

Supper

1. Billy

2. Aggie

3. Al

Hmm,

how come I'm always last?

friendship 11:04 pm on Monday, September 10 2007

Ive got awesome friends. Sometimes they feel close. Sometimes they feel far far away. Tonight, via the gifts of phone and text and email, I am reminded that miles are not important.

A thought, a sentence, a remark, they all make the world of a difference.

If you can spare someone one of the above, they will notice a difference too. And most probably, so will you.

I did.

the run 10:53 am on Monday, September 10 2007

Biily was hinting that he was bored -entertaining himself by pulling up onions in the vegetable plot and using one as a teething toy. He had some energy that needed using up. And I had some energy that I needed to find.

We went out behind the mill in the evening light for a stroll. But once out there we both decided a bit of a run would be nice. To my surprise I soon found that I had within, the energy I thought I had misplaced.

Before long, we were on the edge of the lake, where often when we are out walking, we turn around and head back home. The two swans were over on the far side, peaceful. The sky beyond was lit up with the sunset. High above and in the near distance was a lone hot air balloon, the first I have seen all summer.

Past the lake, over a stile and into the next field (still following the route of the river) we came upon a flock of sheep. We left them alone and they repaid the compliment, as did brown cows in the field after.

I was warm, very warm, but keen to keep going if I could. Billy was a great running buddy. We egged one another along, continuing for a couple more fields, then turning on our heals and retracing our steps back home.

Home. Hot. Happy. And feeling very much alive. A little effort, a lot of reward. My eyes were sparkling. My perception had been transformed - and no more was I cocooned in my own head.

3bt #12 10:06 pm on Monday, September 10 2007

1. Aggie (The Agster, Ag Pag, Kitty)

2. Billy (Billybob, Billyboy, Buster, Naughty Puppy)

3. Spring Cottage.

hunter 1:30 pm on Saturday, September 8 2007

I adore my four legged housemates, I am sure you already know that! However, I do not appreciate the predatory habits of the feline.

Last night I really really did not appreciate it.

Anyone know how to convert a cat to vegetarianism?

anorexia 1:44 am on Friday, September 7 2007

Many people despair when the one they love states so clearly and so emphatically I don't want to get well. It is a deeply frightening and threatening and hopeless thing to hear.

I don't want to get well as I know very well, does not mean what it says. It doesnt. That is not to say that the one to declare it doesn't believe it though, because they do. However, what is means is I am not well enough to want to get well. Help someone to get to a place a stepping stone or two ahead of where they are at, and their sweeping statement might change.

Truly, it might. Or even, it will

cold light of day 1:35 am on Friday, September 7 2007

I don't imagine I am the only one who finds solutions to all sorts of problems, theories to make people sit back and think, and who constructs best-seller compositions in their head, at stupid oclock.

But when morning comes, most (if not all) of the above, is no longer as revolutionary as it appeared in the wee small hours.

There is something about night time that I love. Not least of all, I love that moment when I climb into bed and the day is done and I am weary and my eyes fall heavy. But before that stage, I am a right regular night-time thinker, potterer, dreamer, inventor, and I get so much done when the day is over.

I have talked before about how driving time for me is thinking time. It is much the same with evenings. I have hardly switched the tv on in weeks and when I have, more often than not I havent sat and watched. The end of the day, music plays, and I go about my business in my cottage, I don't know quite what I do but I seem to pass the time. The phone rings and I catch up with friends. Or I make a call. I sort out the latest pile of chaos, or I add to it. I chat to the animals, or I chase them in for bed. I endeavour not to be beaten by the cobwebs that are the cost of living in a wooden house whatever I do or I don't do, all the time my mind is busy. I think. And I think. I dream a bit and I wonder and I imagine.

And in the morning, it is a new day and some of those thoughts and dreams might linger, but mostly they are put on the back burner, until the next time the sun goes down.

diary entry, sept 99 5:37 pm on Wednesday, September 5 2007

.whilst in primary treatment for my eating disorder. Whoever says that clinics and other such places are holdiay camps clearly had a different experience to me! 8 years ago, almost to the day, I wrote:

Self-pitying old me. I'm feeling miserable and withdrawn. What can I write or say? I'm fed up and tired, and isolated and lonely. Everything is always wrong. Total failure over and over again. Oh I don't know what to write, theres nothing new I just wish things werent so heavy at the moment. Alex the Person just feels broken and uninspired. All I can do is sleep on it and I know that won't make a difference either. Will tomorrow be as horrible - probably. I wish I could be wrong

Come back into 2007 with me, reader, quick! I don't want to leave you somewhere that for me was so black. All I am doing is recalling the way things were, and by quoting my very words from that time, I assure you it was a very real darkness a very real despair and a very real living hell.

But change happened

3bt #11 11:58 pm on Tuesday, September 4 2007

1. Sunrise.

2. Sunset.

3. Seeing - really seeing, feeling, and experiencing, both of the above. Irrespective of all the stuff that can cloud my vision if I let it.

moving on 11:36 pm on Tuesday, September 4 2007

Tonight, I am borrowing the words of another

Its good to leave each day behind,

Like flowing water, free of sadness.

Yesterday is gone and its tale told.

Today new seeds are growing.

(Rumi)