sadness 9:51 pm on Saturday, August 30 2008

I went out with Billy, across the road and into the hills this evening, as the sun was low in the sky. It has been a beautiful day, bright and warm and alive.

Not entirely so. It is also a tragic, awful awful day. As we walked back out into the village, we passed by the mound of bouquets and messages of condolence for a family who are drowning in grief at this time.

Late last night I heard helicopters circling. After they had finally moved on I went out into the still of the night and there was sadness in the air and I knew not why. The animals in the fields were unsettled, they were not peaceful or asleep, they were awake and disturbed.

This morning I heard the news that a wife had died in her husbands arms. Just along the road from here, in the village, a couple walking home, a car out of control, a death.

As I walked along the road where it happened, my heart was filled with sorrow for the family. I stopped and talked to an elderly gentleman and he tells me that four children are left without their mother.

Sometimes there is just no sense in the turn of events. There is just sadness, utter sadness, and many heavy hearts, overwhelmed with agony.

play (every chance you get!) 11:42 pm on Thursday, August 28 2008

Acroyoga was challenging, energising and fun. These last 3 posts have been reflecting on the acroyoga ethos. This last one Play. Yes, play - doesn't matter how old or creaky we may get, to have fun and playtime is permissable - more than that, it is nourishing, enriching, and enlightening.

Its very easy to get bogged down with stuff. I do that all the time. But it doesn't take much effort (its just that thinking and intellectualising get in the way if we let them) to get out of our own way, go out there, and have fun.

Playtime is different for different people. And that is what makes it special. For some is may be fishing or golf (yawn - sorry ), for others it may be painting (I approve), or travelling (sounds good) or learning to play an instrument, or reading a book, or dancing, or writing, or partying, or hooking up with a friend for a coffee, or doing yoga, or jumping through puddles and dancing in the rain.

If it makes your heart sing, if it inspires you and brings you joy, do it. Your world will be a better place for it. Be free. Be alive. Be yourself.

trust (eg my faithful friend) 11:32 pm on Thursday, August 28 2008

I don't have a child of my own, but I hold on to that dream for the future. In the meantime I have Miss Aggie the cat, and I have Billy. Billy is still a baby, in dog years I guess he is primary school age - and on a daily basis his behaviour reflects that.

My responsibilty to Billy is to give him permission and reason to trust me. So that he knows he will be fed and watered and walked and cuddled and engaged with. So that he feels that he is loved and cared about. So that he can grow up happy and contented.

In recovery from chaos and madness you can start to learn to trust yourself, and slowly be trusted by others. It isn't automatic, it takes time. I don't doubt for a second that the people who love me the most took a long long time to really start to trust me and believe in me - not because they thought I was doomed or deluded, but because they had seen their trust broken, time and again, by my sickness. Trust has to be earned, not assumed.

For the last year and a bit since Billy and I have gotten to know one another and share a home, I have been given the honour - and responsibilty - of being trusted by a fellow creature who needs me to be trustable. He depends on me. It is a role I relish, and by the look of his wagging tail and happy antics, I'm not doing too badly so far.

connection (eg Liz!) 11:17 pm on Thursday, August 28 2008

We met for a cuppa at Euston Station and caught up like old friends, like we go back years. We talked about all sorts in the short time we had to do so, and it was lovely to see her again. There isn't any effort to be a certain way or say the next right thing, there is just an affinity, an understanding, there is simply a genuine mutual friendship.

The fact we only met a few weeks ago - thousands of miles away from home - is irrelevant. We connected, she's a great girl, and I am grateful. I look forward to dragging her and her husband down to these parts for a day or two, and I know we will have a great time, and laugh alot and talk alot, and put the world to rights.

Friendship isn't to be taken for granted, and it isn't inevitable. Its a gift. Nurture it - it will give you so much back - and then some more - don't I just know it.

its all about progress not perfection 11:00 pm on Thursday, August 28 2008

Laughing, loud long stomach-aching laughter after big things, little things, silly things, any things, is one of the greatest bonuses of living in the here and now, and being present in the here and now, and alive in the here and now.

Talking about the big things, not so big things, having the freedom of spirit to talk about anything, without secrets or lies or reserve, is a priviledge.

Crying tears of joy, of sorrow, of regret, of sorrow, without having to wallow in self-pity, is healing and human.

Recovery - and life - is about that freedom of spirit to just Be. To be tickled with silliness, to be present to discuss, and to be able to weep. It is certainly not about being happy all the time - thats just not realistic. Its about being where you are, and being who you are. And being okay about that. And about being okay about asking for help when the going gets tough.

quiet contemplation 9:52 pm on Wednesday, August 27 2008

So much of the last few weeks has been unexpected - the places I have been to, the people I have met, and the thoughts and feelings I have had.

I have much still to think about. Alot of new stuff has come to the surface - thoughts and realisations about the present, thoughts about the future. This is my one and only life, and I want to live it and live it fully and totally. I have become conscious of areas of my life, and parts of me, that are begging for some airtime - and they deserve that chance. I hope to make a few little tweaks - adjustments - and shift the balance a little.

Change can be scary - but where I am right now, I am far more uncomfortable with the idea of not changing. There is too much else out there, and I want to embrace a bit of newness. And I will. I'll keep you posted.

Im talking and I am listening. I do believe that we all have a quiet guiding voice within ourselves, that often we muffle, but its worth listening to it - and hearing it. I also believe that if we listen openly and freely to the people who matter, and to the world (for the world speaks) we can receive all sorts of gifts - and sometimes at the most unexpected of times.

Im trying to be open, and to listen, and learn.

(Above all else, to thine own self be true)

flying without wings 9:40 pm on Wednesday, August 27 2008

I did that this evening - I flew.

I did. I really really did!

I went to an acroyoga (acrobatics meets yoga) class this evening, and it was magic. Challenging, new, exciting, fun, invigorating - and then a bit more challenging! Am I growing old I wondered - when it came to handstands and the such I thought it would be a breeze - 9/10/11 year old Al was never happier than when upside down - but this evening it was so different (but I guess I am 23-ish years out of practice) and I felt vulnerable and although I gave it all a go I was all a-tremble.

After lots of poses I am familiar with, and some new things, we moved on to flying. I doubted myself - but I did it - and it was utterly magic. Motivating. Inspiring. I felt my own strength, and I trusted the strength of the person who acted as my base, and I gave it my best shot.

Connection, Trust, and Play are what acroyoga is all about. I felt them all, I gave them all my best efforts, and despite the wobbles and weaknesses, it was fantastic. Adulthood is, for me, in many ways, a second childhood. Long may it last.

www.wan2yoga.org

long time no speak 9:31 pm on Wednesday, August 27 2008

Hello gentle reader, its been a while, eh?

Long time no blogging, more to the point - as for speaking well Ive done alot of talking - and thinking - and exploring

I never went away, I just wasn't particularly here, but here I am again We have much to catch up on