hello! 10:57 pm on Wednesday, August 30 2006

Wow. My life never seems to unfold in any sort of calm and calculated order. Its a bit like that waiting for a bus scenario - it’s all too quiet and nothing is happening (or appearing to be acheived) and then Whoa! It all happens at once! And it has been one of those days for me today.

It started with a phone call from the estate agent - moments after I had jumped out of the shower. Final offer from missy dj who wants my house. I pondered for a time - then called back and accepted (-albeit nervously as the figure is lower than I wanted) as my longing for the cottage I have fallen in love with is great and I don’t want to lose it.

Amongst my time of ponderment I was called by a trusted, valued, and honest friend - (perfect timing) and I duly thrust my predicament upon him. We concluded that I couldn’t lose out by “seizing the day” and inside me it feels right. (And/but it always makes the world of a difference to share the dilemma before responding/reacting to it).

With wet hair (hadn’t had time to dry amidst the phone calls) I headed to the dentist. Yeuch and ouch but worth it as to sort out a couple more tooth bug bears is necessary and positive.

Home, to pack and deal with more school enquiries, then off to the airport and here I am now in Edinburgh ready to do two school talks tomorrow. I need to take some time and reflect upon the content. It’s been a few weeks over the summer since I last spoke to a group of young people and the nerves kick in - even thought I know inside that all will be well and after the years of experience that I have, all I need to do is open my mouth and tell it like it is.

That is what I love about what I do. There is no script, no agenda, it is simply a matter of speaking out, of speaking openly and of being open-minded about where it goes from there. Above all else, as they say “to thine own self be true”.

And with the house (sorry, reverting back to that again) the Alex who I am buying from has shared her feeling that this is meant to be (we share the same name for a start) She held back from another potential buyer because she felt the home she has cherished is more apt for me, we have similar taste, some sort of affinity, and assuming all goes through and I do end up there, I hope that she, in her new home just ten miles away, will be a good friend. I don’t want to count my chickens before they are hatched and I am massively fearful as I can err on the side of the cynic, believe me, but for now, i might as well focus on the positive.

So in sum, you could say, today has been a really great day.

room to breathe 5:29 pm on Tuesday, August 29 2006

“Me”time approaches. 6 pm is my tuesday pilates class, which is time for me to climb into a little bubble - a space that is just for me and only me and the rest of the world can wait outside.

If I can keep the world, noise, distractions, busy-ness and concerns out for that whole hour I will be impressed. It will be in stark contrast to this moment (in which my head is aching) and I look forward to it.

bits and blogs 11:26 pm on Sunday, August 27 2006

I dropped my phone (landline handset) in the sink today which wasn’t clever. As a result it’s resigned and I can only hope that a certain store down the road opens on bank holidays - I’m going to have to head down there tomorrow and sort out a replacement. Can’t be without a phone, ’tis a valuable link.

My cousin Charlie got married yesterday and it was a joy to be there and join in the happiness. As we have grown up, we cousins have had many miles between us and it is only in recent times that the physical distance has become so much less significant and I’ve become close to many of them.

If “relocation relocation” does proceed (cross fingers for me tomorrow - I am totally on the edge of my seat - hoping to sell, and so be in able to put in an offer on THE little house that has stolen my heart) I’ll be moving to an area where I’ll be closer to some of the extended family and intend to take full advantage and see them alot more. And by the way, when I do move I want to get a dog, but I haven’t told the cat that yet.

…first things first - get the house.

Why is it that you don’t rely on something half as much as you might, until it is taken away. If the phone was in full working order I’d have probably not thought too much about who I wanted to call. As it is, tonight I’ve drawn up a long mental list of people I feel like chatting to. But can’t. There’s a lesson in there somewhere - along the lines of don’t take anything for granted, make the most of every moment, and don’t put off til tomorrow, the things that you can do today. Carpe Diem!

I see some busy times ahead for me. I want to “be present” to enjoy and fulfill my part, and the favoured route towards acheiving that is by living well in the moment. That way, come what may, I have the least likelihood of looking back with regret. Obstacles are inevitable in life, mistakes happen, and things go wrong, of course they do. But there is always a choice as to how we respond. We can focus on the problem, or we can work towards the solution. And we all have allies who can support us as we do so - be that cousins, phone-a-friend’s, acquaintances, colleagues, mentors, parents, siblings, children, and even perfect strangers. Together we can achieve that which we might never achieve if alone.

Al.

aggie 12:13 am on Thursday, August 24 2006

Cat wants breakfast. Can’t she tell the time?

What is it about 4-legged creatures who go “miaow” that they are so utterly purrfect in the art of manipulation. You know you are being manipulated but you go with it anyway…

Oh to be a cat. 16 hrs of sleep out of every 24. Food on the table. Affection on tap. Can see in the dark. Lie in the sun for hours and never get burnt. And whatever height you leap from, you always land on your feet.

After a starting her little life under a grey cloud, she introduced herself to me at the Rescue Shelter 2 years ago, and since that day, for me she has always been priceless.

Better feed the cat,

Al.

here and there 9:49 pm on Tuesday, August 22 2006

- and everywhere!

I woke up this morning and realised as I opened my eyes that the Serenity Prayer was there for me to use and repeat to keep me level(ish) today,

“…God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference.”

And I have done my best to follow that through. But despite that, “my will” can get in the way (I’m only human after all) and I am slightly totally frazzled! What will be will be, and what is meant to be will be. My head is dancing.

I have a home, family, friends. I have a business that will - I know, given the feedback thus far - go from strength to strength. Tomorrow afternoon I am going to the cinema with a friend and her 3 small people, and it will be fun! We will watch the film and share popcorn, and I will be out of the way while the 1st viewer checks out Thyme Cottage. Part of me wants to be here to convince “said person” to buy……… Hence the need for the Serenity Prayer!

I carry a crystal ball in my head that I have a love-hate relationship with. I want to look into it and be reassured that it will show smooth-edged pink pictures, however when I try that I realise that I am avoiding the fact that sometimes things happen that I don’t want at that moment, but in time (sometimes a long-ish time) I find them out to be right. It’s the quick-fix trapdoor. I want to do things my way - and now! - because in the moment I trust my head,want an instant result, and am sceptical about the alternatives (ie “the unknown”). Yet thus far, I have no regrets about the way have things have worked out as I feel blessed and grateful, and my god, yes I have doubted the process as it has happened. But usually when doubting I have been proved wrong. Benefit of hindsight and all that - let the universe do its thing.

So on that note, the message to me right now is very simple… “Let go, girl!”

Al.

ready steady… 10:18 pm on Monday, August 21 2006

…Go! It’s all happening at springback HQ. Mailshot has gone out now - I’ve stuffed over 900 envelopes and posted them off around the country and we’ll see what the outcome of that is. As is perhaps inevitable (and a healthy challenge to perfectionism I like to think, as opposed to a failed attention to detail) it was approx 30 mins after stuffing letter number 931 into its envelope that I noticed an error - and for the sake of those of you who might be reading this who are also recipient to my mail, the words “available on request” are meant to be there at the end of the paragraph that refers to my new comedian Ian. Huh. Bother.

And whilst I am anticipating busy times ahead, I’ve added fuel to the inferno by putting home sweet home on the market today. Exciting. Scary. Trouble is I am already joining the ranks of the anxious home seller/buyer. I’ve found my dream home, too soon. Odds are against me as I don’t have a buyer yet (obviously). Which means it will most likely only ever be a dream as I am in a race with unknown others who also want “My Next Home”. But it is me, me, me. And my head has moved me in and arranged the furniture. So what do I do to change the dream into reality? I don’t have the answer for that one. It’s all about trust, what will be will be, and things happen for the right reason if you let them. But I am fearful and anxious, and letting go is all very good in theory and also in practice, but it’s the practice bit I’m battling right now.

My life has reached so many highs and so many good things have come my way. And although yes there have been ups and downs - wonderful happiness to date, as well also a somehow survivable (thank you) number of lows; and though yes my sense of awe is huge, and no I cannot remotely say I have been hard done by (I haven’t, I have been blessed with a rich life, incredible people, opportunities, adventures, celebrations, surroundings) however, there is sometimes the “yes but” that inteferes. And that is where I can go from time to time with certain things - like the house. I’d like my brain to please not dream about it tonight, but that might not work. But then again, if you don’t dream dreams, how you ever gonna have a dream come true?

Dreams, thoughts, success, so-called failure, good, bad…. Here’s my thought for the day (thanks to the wisdom of Byron Katie whose “The Work” is brilliant) which I will try to take with me into tomorrow -

“Thoughts are just what is. They appear. They’re innocent. They’re not personal. They’re like the breeze or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. Thoughts arise like that, and we can make friends with them. Would you argue with a raindrop?”

blues? …think pink 9:42 pm on Sunday, August 20 2006

It’s chilly out there tonight. The evenings are drawing in. Anyone familiar with the sunday night blues? It happens. But how about this as a gem to reflect on…

“Laugh loudly and watch the clouds disappear.” (Julian Billinghurst)

Worth a try - it might just work.

I’m going to go and soak in the tub. And dream dreams amongst the bubbles.

talk talk 8:24 pm on Wednesday, August 16 2006

Just been having a giggle on the phone with a friend. That’s one of my favourite things. Email is good, texting is handy, but neither match a proper two way dialogue. Of course, as friend might point out if reading this, talk can become one-way if you (I) have a tendency to fail to pause for breath, but when someone knows you (me) well enough, they will take their cue to tell me to hush, and grab some air-time of their own.

And when I know someone well enough to know that they will do this, I know that we are on equal ground, and I don’t need to spend my time indulging in angst about what they think of me. If they have an opinion I need to know, they’ll deliver it. If not, that’s their choice. What other people think of me is their business - not mine.

Al.

gratitude check 1:28 am on Tuesday, August 15 2006

Living in the real world is far and away the best place to be. Dream worlds don’t match it. We can all dream dreams (they rock!) and enjoy them whilst we do so, but it is only in reality so far as I have come to truly realise, that we - I - can be close to the people that matter, and they can be close to us.

And so I am grateful to keep my feet on planet earth for the most part, where I can live and love and share with the common good that does live on amidst the conflict and difficulties that inevitably challenge us all. I feel sadness but so in turn do I feel an equal - or perhaps greater - share of happiness. I was sad to say goodbye to my sister at the airport today, and I swallowed my tears until later, but I am far more happy than any other emotion, that we are close and loyal. I miss her to bits but know we have a closeness that far outweighs the miles or months that separate us for now.

Living in the real world is living in the place where I can live life, and where I am alive. Alive, and never alone. That’s the fact of the matter. And that’s awesome.

Al.

thoughts 5:59 pm on Friday, August 11 2006

A year from now springback is going to have a holiday. Hows that for forward planning? The plan has gone no further forward than this initial statement as I have only just thought it up. If I think for a nano-second longer I can already come up with a better plan. A year from now, springback will have had a holiday (one, at least). And when I say springback, I really mean me. I am overjoyed to have survived year one of setting up a business, and can reflect on many milestones and happy memories from within the last 12 months. But it would be nice to get to the point where I have a holiday. (Nice for everyone else as much as for me, I'm a nicer person for sure when truly rested and relaxed. Arent we all?)

Ill get there

To reflect on just one milestone, hows the big 3-0 as one to ponder. I was terrified of my 30th birthday (an entirely irrational but nonetheless real-to-me fear.) There is something about entering a new decade traditionally associated with change (and this is assumed to be for the worse - the aging process is inevitably linked to decline). I am, however, already surprising myself. I LIKE being 30. It somehow is a status that is definitely grown-up but is definitely not old. I can get away with the mischief of a teenager, whilst also being treated as a responsible adult. I can dance the night away, laugh too loud, get too cross, stay up too late (so I have too much energy, a healthy pair of lungs, bad moods, and bags under my eyes?). But so too have I developed some of the traits that come only over time. I have some insight, boundaries, compassion, and my own value system that does not depend on the approval of others or the latest fad; it comes from a deeper place within me and is a part of me. Now that I am 30 I think I am beginning to see, and know, exactly who I am. And I'm really ok.

Until next time….