wish upon a star 12:28 am on Sunday, June 29 2008

Night follows day. Every day. But have you looked at the night sky recently - not just seen it, but really looked at it, and taken it in?

Go on, tomorrow night, go out there, after dark, and look up to the night sky and see the stars. Its beautiful out there - vast, twinkling, and sublime.

reaching out 12:10 am on Sunday, June 29 2008

Alex, she said, I feel like I am dying inside.

It is courageous to admit to and I don't think I ever did, not verbally. But I wrote it, and felt it, and I know how it feels.

Acknowledging your feelings is the most brave and brilliant and positive step you can ever make, to changing the way that you feel. Not everyone manage to be so honest, some - tragically - refuse to face up to their feelings.

Dont be afraid of your emotions - it is not they that design your destiny - it is your response to them, that matters.

And if you need help - for the sake of yourself and everything that may lie ahead, and your dreams, and your loved ones - take it.

saturday 12:09 am on Sunday, June 29 2008

It has been a busy week. Good - but very long, and I was weary. I awoke on saturday to the sound of the phone ringing. I let the answerphone take over, and I lay a while longer, glad of the sunshine that was flooding through the window.

My head was foggy, and despite my night of slumber, I was tired. Breakfast followed for hungry four legged friends, and for me. And then a couple of hours of office work. I wanted to enjoy my day but wasn't sure where to begin. So I stepped into the garden, and an enjoyable day unfolded. The sun had gone from bright to blazing and dry earth was pleading for a drink. I set the hose out, pulled the lawnmower out from the collapsing shed, and got to work.

In the course of the day I mowed, cleared, weeded and sorted. I had an important phone conversation. I chatted to neighbours across the fence. I had a water fight with Billy (I think I won). And a pal popped over for a cuppa.

By the end of the day my mood had shifted entirely. The thoughts and to-dos that I had woken up with hadn't vanished. But somehow, nonetheless, just by doing and having another day, and being a participant in that day, I felt a whole lot more okay.

nine years on 10:43 pm on Sunday, June 29 2008

The phone rang in the early evening and I heard her voice again. We have remained in touch over the years for we became good friends back then, and one seal on our friendship was the day that I became her first-borns godmother. Over the last year we have not had the chance to meet up, but today they were passing close by and she wondered if they could call in.

It was a lovely day, great to see the four of them and we went down the road for lunch and chatted and laughed and caught up from where we had last left off.

What a transformation from that time when we first met. She was lost, as was I, and neither of us had much at all left in our worlds. It is almost nine years to the day since we were pretty literally thrown together and in so many ways we were absolute opposites. The reasons that had got us into the place were so very different, and yet the dis-ease from which we suffered was the same. She was allocated to be my buddy - my memory in many places is blank, or at best it is blurred, but I do remember the first time I saw her - curled up on the sofa, bleached knotted hair, mismatched clothes, stripey tights and an aura that combined defiance, anger and two fingers up to the world with vulnerability, compassion and humour.

We were both hopeless, helpless, suspicious patients, and in our own unique ways we broke most - if not all - of the rules, failed to meet the expectations, and dug ourselves into holes, time and again. If you were to put us and our separate demonstrations of defiance together, we would surely make up the ultimate absolute tearaway two. Which when you are playing with life, is nothing to be proud of.

Today, she briefly recalled the first night that I arrived, and it was the first time in years that I have looked back at it. And I barely remember a thing about it - which just goes to show me how sick I was. What she said about that evening rang bells in the back of my memory though - escaping through the bedroom window was where it began

It has been a journey of ups and downs and it will I am quite sure, continue to be just that. Our lives have evolved on different, yet equal, paths. We have both had our moments of pain, and challenges to face, and life isn't always easy and we both know it. She has a family of her own now, she is about to qualify after four long hard years of training, and she is clean and sober. Which is nothing short of a miracle. I have all the things that I have - that you often hear me refer to - and I have a life and I am alive. And that is equally precious. We both have much to be proud of, and much to be thankful for.

From double trouble 1999, its quite a transformation - or two.

face value 12:01 am on Monday, June 23 2008

Of course, when working one to one with someone, if their physical state of health is poor then that causes me concern. But if their physical state of health appears to be remotely acceptable, that does not necessarily mean the concern is any less.

Emaciation and obesity may be two extreme symptoms of eating disorders. But there are other symptoms too, some of which are far more serious, and life threatening.

It doesn't take me long to see beneath the surface. And I do understand.

rainy days and mondays 11:26 pm on Monday, June 23 2008

Some days are better than others, hey? I quite agree.

What I also agree with, is the fact that nothing that is thrown at us is more than we can manage - after all we are all still here, arent we?

Roll on tuesday.

blankety blank 11:51 pm on Sunday, June 22 2008

Not sure what happened to my last blog post - the title got posted but nothing else did. So I have deleted the title apologies if you were wondering what happened - I've been wondering about that too.

london driver 12:35 am on Saturday, June 14 2008

Around these parts driving is usually a pretty polite exercise. As I head into London, I feel my driving technique change - survival of the fittest - don't be bullied, don't be pushed, watch out especially hard for the cyclists and bikers, stand your ground and duck and dive in order to get anywhere.

I drove to a north london school that I have visited year after year and until now I have always used public transport. And having driven today never again! The journey time almost doubled, I was pushed into the congestion charging zone against my will, I was cut up more than once and I reverted into london-driver mode.

Returning home I took/made up a different route - anything had to be better than retracing my steps into town. The traffic was thick - and fast - and slow finally I hit the M25, and then paid for the priviledge as I crossed the QE2 toll bridge.

My whole persona altered as I slipped onto the A21 - my driveway to home and the motorist on a mission was replaced by a girl on the road, who lets other drivers in, thanks others for giving way, who had removed her blinkers and was no longer gripping on for dear life, but rather was meandering on and grateful for life

There is plenty that I miss about london and living in town. This does not, however, include the (lack of) road etiquette.

Its good to be home.

the client 11:33 pm on Saturday, June 14 2008

More often than not, honesty is the hardest thing to adhere to with those of them who are in a muddle. Every once in a while, a client appears on the scene for whom the hardest thing it dishonesty. This brings its own challenges.

Compliance may sound ideal, but it isn't always. Sometimes it is valuable for someone to learn to push boundaries, take risks, and see what happens.

We can learn just as much - sometimes more - from our mistakes, as we can learn from following instructions. Not least of all, it is important to learn that just because we get it wrong, we will not be punished, and the sky will not come crashing down on to us.

Forgiveness and acceptance of others - and of ourselves, is key.

going solo 11:25 pm on Saturday, June 14 2008

Ive done it again In three weeks and one day I will be somewhere I have never been before. Somewhere I have only ever dreamed about. The Caribbean. I will be there.

Just like the Sri Lanka adventure last summer, this year I have managed to save up points suffice to get me a free (literally!) trip to a far flung paradise. This year, it is Saint Lucia. And this time I am travelling alone.

I have never been on holiday on my own and I have been all too aware that it is a challenge as well as a blessing. Where I am going is somewhere where solo travellers go and so I know I will not be alone in my solitude, and I intend to embrace it.

From what I can gather, I will not remotely be surrounded solely by couples, and I should have no reason to feel - or be - alone. There will be too much to do! There are my kind of things going on - yoga, pilates, walks in the mountains that I can only dream of, whale watching, group dinners, long evenings in the piano bar, and sun, sea and space.

Today my tickets arrived in the post. I have a little nervousness, but alot of excitement. I can't wait to see another corner of this world. I really can't wait!

words 10:49 pm on Saturday, June 14 2008

Dont ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who are alive.

Gil Bailie

Sounds good to me.

the gift 11:44 pm on Thursday, June 12 2008

The post arrived early. As I came downstairs I saw a package being pushed through the letterbox. I picked it up and looked at the writing and I didn't recognise it. I opened it and revealed two books. I still couldn't guess where they had come from.

Then I found the postcard, slipped between the pages, and I read the words and I was touched beyond words.

A generous gift of books of words that I will relish, and a reminder that we all have friends and supporters and people who think of us. These books will indeed be treasured and a fine distraction for my travels through each day of this thing we call Life.

another year older 12:47 am on Monday, June 9 2008

and with age, I hope, comes a little bit of wisdom. I've certainly learnt alot each day in the last year and in all of the years gone by, and I am looking forward to keeping on learning.

In the meantime, for this 9th of June 2008 (albeit well past bedtime on 8th) Happy Birthday to me

jacks lesson 12:42 am on Monday, June 9 2008

It was not an educational lecture. Or a counselling course. Or a rant. It was not directed to me, but to a group of people - including me. It was just the sharing of words about something that really hit home with me and he was talking about the human touch, and about self-help, and about all of us reaching out to help another. It was an remarkably apt message for me to hear and my eyes filled with tears as I listened.

Self help is all very well and good. We can, and we must, help ourselves when we can. When we cant, we can and we must acknowledge that we need help from another. And we are all mere human beings, not super human, not supernatural, just awesomely fantastically normal real human beings. We need each other. None of us is an island, or an automaton. We need people, just as people need us.

Reaching out, and reaching in, and giving out, and giving in, in their right and proper place they are all important.

typo 12:33 am on Monday, June 9 2008

Okay, I am a regular guilty party when it comes to making typos. The worst to date was when I did a mailshot a year or two ago. A springback postcard, nice artwork and carefully written words. It went to the printers, and in due course 1000 pristine postcards were delivered to me ready to be labelled and stamped and posted.

It was a good hour or two after the initial excitement about how they had turned out that I spotted the error, a typo in the springback website address. How cross and frustrated and annoyed was I! And worse still, it was my mistake, not the printers, not anyone elses and I was thus cross with me. 1000 perfect postcards had to be tarnished by hand and their perfection was invaded with a biro crossing out and correction.

After the initial frustration (and Mum pointing out that these things happen and she had even known a large reputable supermarket to do a typo in their packaging when spelling courgette (corgette, courgete ) I relaxed and stopped worrying. Indeed, these things happen to all of us.

Today my sis spotted the obvious mistake in First Eleven when she read my piece for the first time. I've read it several times, and not once seen the error. Al did not begin her recovery in 1990, as it claims. 1999 was when it began.

This time it wasn't my error and I will give the publishers a call tomorrow and let them know that they made a typo

erwin 12:11 am on Monday, June 9 2008

On thursday I had a last minute panic (sort of) to sort out. Both I, and another of springbacks speakers were booked in to speak at a school on friday. All booked, confirmed and in the diary since january.

On thursday, half of the plan came undone as tother speaker was faced with a situation that made it impossible for them to fulfill the booking. A difficult situation but sometimes life gets in the way and plans have to be adapted.

Erwin James saved the day. At the eleventh hour he was able to step in and provide his presentation at the school and although its subject matter is entirely different to what was originally booked, the school agreed to have him along.

After his talk, as he made his way home, and I was making my way towards the school for my turn (we probably passed one another on the M25 as we were - bluetooth hands free of course - on the phone) we talked. Erwin told me that the school welcomed him, the young audience were attentive and engaged, and the questions ran on and on, well beyond the scheduled time, for such was the interest and impact of his visit. To me - and I know Erwin well, we are the greatest of friends as well as working together - he seemed slightly hesitant about how he felt the morning had gone down.

As I left the school later that afternoon, after a fantastic couple of hours, I was handed an envelope. 16 thank you cards and letters that had been written spontaneously and unprompted, over the lunch hour, from the girls, to Erwin. How well had his presentation gone down? The letters say it all

you inspire me the fact that you have made it through is amazing thank you for coming to talk to us

I think it was probably the only talk which I listened to the whole way through! I learned so much. You have inspired me to appreciate my life and want to do something with it.

It was a priviledge to listen to your talk.

I would like to thank you for teaching me to be determined for what I want and to follow what I am good at. Thank you.

I hope you will go on to inspire many other people like me

You have taught us all that we should grasp opportunities when they come to us, and to be grateful for the life we have. You have also taught me that if we do ever find ourselves in a similar situation [to that] which you were in, we should focus on getting our lives back and to focus on the good things.

Good job Mr James, my friend.

room to breathe 1:44 am on Sunday, June 1 2008

If you havent been there, it is hard to understand. But the amount of time and energy that not doing something takes, is massive.

Not eating. Not socialising. Not living in the real world.

Not communicating. Not asking for help. Not living.

Not fulfilling dreams and ambitions. Not accepting reality.

It is all time consuming, exhausting, endless and fruitless. It leaves no time to enjoy, to appreciate, to love, laugh and live. It leaves no time to breathe.

There is another way.