flat 01:15:52 on Thursday, May 28 2009

I know I am not the only one who has been tired and short of motivation today. Via the w w w I've had updates from friends who seem to feel the same. Is it something in the air? Are the planets to blame? Or the weather (oh, the weather, the grey dark damp day, non stop drizzle and mist)... I don't know what it is, but something has sapped us of energy and drive, and I have felt decidely flat

I sat and stared at the screen, stared out of the window, stared into space. I made a cup of tea. I pulled together the paperwork that I need to start on, and I completed one page (a start, but a very very feeble one!). I did a few sums, I wrote a couple of emails. I made a cup of coffee. I sat some more, getting nowhere fast.

The day dragged, but so too did it vanish in a flash - all those hours passed me by, barely touched.

I headed out at the end of the day and for the first time all day I spoke to others (apart than those of the four-legged variety) and I got away from technology and I stopped sitting and started to move. It turned out there was energy within me afterall, it was just hidden right away and needed a nudge. And the result of getting out and getting on was that I went from flat-battery mode, to being a little bit recharged.

Sometimes we need to be a human doing, not simply a human being. It works.

bank holiday sunshine 01:17:52 on Wednesday, May 27 2009

Well we didn't do too badly at all did we, this bank holiday weekend. The weather declined as time went on but I don't think we can complain (not those of us in the South East anyway!)

On saturday I woke late after a long late night out at an Auction of Promises in the village that was great fun. It was good to be out and catching up with people and sharing in a local event. After a late start, tea and toast, and relocating into the garden to make a start on green chores, it wasn't long before Billy alerted me to a knock on the front foor. Friends came in and and we sat outside drinking coffee, and processing the previous night and discussing the imminent move of one of the two of them, to a cottage a few doors down from spring cottage I am looking forward to having her as a neighbour.

The difference between here and other places that I have lived is the sense of community that I feel a part of. I go through phases - not infrequently - when for one reason or another I don't get out to see people much - perhaps because I am away working and travelling - or I am tied up with other parts of life - or I am just being rubbish at getting out - but the community is there and there is much fun to be had and friendships to enjoy and invest in. Village life can certainly live up to its reputation at times - in terms of gossip and tittle tattle - and that can be tedious - but the support, love, and kindness that resounds around these parts is fabulous. I'd do myself no small favour to remind myself of that. This is my home, and my village - I have a place here - I still, sometimes, find that hard to accept!

After my visitors left, the rest of my saturday right through until dusk, was spent planting, weeding, digging, and talking. Billy was very vocal (far too vocal) as I banned him from The Beach (pebbled area at the bottom of the garden that leads to the stream) and he whinged and moaned and I moaned back at him, refusing to give in. I chatted over the fence with my neighbours and wandered around their stunning garden and was given cuttings by Gwen, which I am so thrilled with and planted out in my borders.

By the time I came in I was weary and happy. And sunburnt too! The flower beds and pots looked great. My new purple pots, planted out with yellow gerbera's, look fantastic, most of my veggies had been planted in the veg patch, and everything had been watered. It was time to feed and water me. And have a bath.

Sunday was a family day. It was a peaceful happy day. I was a bit grumpy. And cross with myself for being so. Because it was a beautiful day with nearest and dearest. I went to church in the morning - the first time in several weeks, and it was a welcome start to the day - a bit of peace, very grounding. As I drove over to see my folks, I sang along loudly to the radio. After lunch we sat out in the garden and I spread out on the grass and squinted over the weekend papers and got trampled and snuggled by a certain billy boy - it was peaceful and easy and relaxed.

Perhaps that is why I was grumpy - because I "landed" - I relaxed and just was who I was, where I was, as I was - and in so doing some crossness or tiredness or something simliar that typically gets shelved, was released. Sometimes that is just the way it is.

Nobody's perfect.

countdowns 00:45:43 on Wednesday, May 27 2009

1. 10 days until my Mat Pilates teaching assessment. And the clock is ticking - fast. I made a start today - on putting together a portfolio and constructing a class session plan. But I have ALOT to do. And it's less than 10 days I have to do it in, as several of the days between now and then are filling up with other things. Best get cracking.

2. 2 weeks until I find myself another year older. I'll still class myself as "early" 30's though - haven't hit the "mid" phase - yet.

3. 7 weeks until I land back in my little piece of paradise on earth. I may have mentioned (I can't recall) but I am returning to that island in the sun where the sea and sky and people sparkled, and I sparkled too. After last summers experience and awakenings when I went there for the first time, it became crucial for me to make a return trip. And somehow or another that is just what I am going to do. I am going back - I felt so free - so alive - so well - and it nourished my mind, body and soul. Can't wait.

(4. Letters from the accountant tell me the countdown is on for another whole heap of info required by the pesky tax man, my (unwritten) to do list tell's me the countdown is on for all sorts else besides, I can only do what I can do - and I can only do my best - I've survived so far...)

Point 2 should be followed by 2(a) which is... Springback is about to be 4!! WOW.

saturday 01:03:56 on Sunday, May 17 2009

It was fantastic to see them - it's been a while! My dear friend B who I have known since school days, and her husband and toddler J, they came down for their first visit to the cottage and we just had a really lovely day. I have been spoilt rotten with the gift of a huge, stunning orchid, that I adore - and a very nice bottle of wine. Lucky me.

The last time we met, J was Baby J. Now he is Boy J and an absolute delight. And in just a couple of months time his baby brother will be welcomed to the world. He is a gentle, bright little boy and he pottered about the cottage comfortably, negotiated Billy patiently, and when we went out for a pub lunch he devoured his fishcake and behaved impeccably!

After lunch we returned home for a cuppa so that J could have his nap. He was tucked in upstairs, and the rest of us chatted over cups of coffee downstairs. It wasn't long before I heard a little voice from above - chattering sincerely as only a two year old can. No squeals or complaints, just rather charming chatter. J was clearly not in the mood for sleep. We piled into the car and headed down to the Costa Del Hastings with Billy in tow and wandered along the beach. We girls walked and talked, the boys - the daddy man, J and Billy were more interested in pebbles, and getting their feet wet. Despite the forecast, the sun shone, the sky sparkled, and the people were out, and about and enjoying a day by the good old British Seaside.

After pebbles, paddles, train rides and merry go rounds, it was time to leave. And after more fun and games, more coffee, and tea time at Spring Cottage, it was time to say au revoir, and wave my visitors off as they headed back to London. It was a simple day, but a gorgeous one. The people in our lives play such a key part in making it beautiful - the experiences and memories, and present moments, and futures, that we share - they make the difference.

splat 00:46:30 on Thursday, May 14 2009

By the time I finally got home after two intensive days of learning this weekend I was understandably tired. I had been focused on the course, but in addition my break-times had been filled with dealing with other springback professional issues.

The one thing I didn't need to worry about was the boy. Billy, I knew, was busy and happy with Mum, and I would have him back home in no time at all. Aggie the miaow and I made the most of girl time in the cottage. It was still light when I got home on sunday, so I got out into the garden and cut the grass. All other green-chores are pending - I will do them when I can.

Later in the evening, after dark, after bath, and near to bed, I slipped and tripped as I took a bag of rubbish out to the bin. Yowch, and splat. I landed face first on the terrace, grazing all around my eye and bruising my nose. Owwww.

On monday morning I woke very early and took a look at my reflection in the mirror. Bother. Bother bother bother.

But it could have been worse - no broken bones, no broken teeth. It will all heal, in time. It's just not very pretty,

Take care (and I will try to make a better job of doing the same!)

training 00:36:27 on Thursday, May 14 2009

The Diploma training continued this weekend, and I met a fantastic group of people, and our trainer Lizzie was awesome.

The vast majority of what we were learning was the basics and how to teach them and why. I have practiced Pilates for several years now, and work at a higher level, a level which is not applicable when it comes to being assessed on the Pilates Fundamentals!

But just because it was basic, it didn't mean that there wasn't a massive amount to take in, on the contrary... The fundamentals, the roots and origins are the foundations of effective growth and progress. Start on the right footing, make it strong and educated and you stand in good stead to build something effective, worthwhile and steadfast.

And that doesn't just apply to Pilates Diploma's...

puppy dog tales (big news!) 23:18:59 on Saturday, May 9 2009

Don't expect too much from me - I am dog tired....

Talking of dogs... whilst I have had to "palm" Billy off to my parents this weekend whilst I pursue my training schedule, Billy has been to his first dog show! Mum took him along, and by the sounds of things there were some serious contenders for each and every award.

MY BOY has earned his first rosette! In the Most Handsome Dog category. Billy, you are beautiful (but we knew that already)!

Can't wait to have him home, it's strange being here without him to talk to, trip over, cuddle or correct. Meantime Aggie my Moggie and I are having a girls night in.

Back to The City for day two of training tomorrow.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

stitched up 01:18:34 on Wednesday, May 6 2009

I growled at Billy as I retrieved his badly buried pebble from a pot, confiscated it, and replanted the flowers that he had uprooted and tossed to one side. If there are squashed shrubs or flattened flowers, more often than not I know who to blame.

BUT as I learnt yesterday, it isn't always down to my pebble-obssessed puppy dog. I watched from the window as a bird swooped down onto my "neatly gathered" pile of garden rubbish. Our feathered friend, who was probably searching for worms, plucked leaves, stalks, and all sorts with her beak, and flung them here and there and everywhere. It wasn't long before my neat pile was a scattered jumble.

Had I not witnessed the event, you can guess who would have got the blame. Billy you are - for once - in the clear. Go polish your halo

giorgia on my mind 00:34:48 on Wednesday, May 6 2009

When I switched on the TV last thursday evening, it took a little while to realise that I was looking at another face from the past.

In yet another eating disorders documentary - which I happen to think was really well put together and addressed some very important issues - on the bbc, I saw my friend, Giorgia.

It's been years since we were last in touch - and longer still since we last were face to face We met and forged our friendship whilst both "doing time" in an eating disorders unit. We were both utterly consumed by sickness and we were both going nowhere fast.

It was post-admission, away from that environment of competition and sickness, that we became so much closer - through page - after page - after page of the letters that we exchanged. For both of us I think it was a comfort to be able to share with someone who understood - and actually even share wise words of support and guidance - words that we could offer to one another even though we could not apply them in our own lives.

I've often thought of Giorgia and wondered if or how to catch up with her again. I am wondering now whether an email to the Beeb might help me with that. Here's hoping so.

doctors 00:19:15 on Wednesday, May 6 2009

For someone who spent their entire childhood and teens aspiring to become a paediatrician, I was remarkably scared of doctors. I (and I am sure I am not alone in this) hated going to see the doctor for fear of wasting their time or being told I was a hypochondriac.

When my anorexia took a hold, and in the run up to it, doctor appointments grew ever more frequent, to my dismay. Always I felt like a fraud, always I dreaded it and I guess I felt angry too, for the lack of understanding and the way in which I felt judged. There came a point where, in between hospital admissions, I had to turn up at my GP's surgery like clockwork, every week, for blood-tests and weigh-ins. I had to put my fear of needles behind me, and come to terms with being stabbed on a weekly basis. As I became more unwell it became more difficult, but I had become more brave and as the doctor searched for a willing vein, and I didn't exactly grin but I did at least bear it. The weigh-ins were a total farce. I doubt there were many - if any - accurate recordings of my weight.

In the corner of my bedroom I had a basin, with a curtain around it, and under that curtain I kept empty water bottles. The night before weigh-in, I filled those bottles up, and as I got up in the morning I would flood my body with that water, monitoring on the scales hidden under my bed just how much effect all the extra fluid was having on my weight. And I would choose my outfit carefully - heavy boots and belts and extra layers.

Ultimately none of it made a difference - the doctors could see what a state I was in.

There is one GP who I saw in the latter stages of my illness, the wonderful Dr Swan, by whom I didn't feel threatened or judged or afraid. And for that I will always be so grateful. Her manner and her management of my situation was second to none. I expect she has long since retired, but I am quite sure that in her years of practice she touched thousands of peoples lives, as she did mine.

I walked into my local doctors surgery this morning to make an appointment. Since I moved here over 2 years ago I haven't needed to see a doctor (and anyway, I am still inclined to avoid them when I can!) "Is it urgent?" I was asked, "well no" I replied (because it's not). They booked me in for later this week. And when I go in I hope to leave all thoughts of being a time waster or a fraud outside the door - I just need to get a couple of minor questions answered and check that everything is fine - self-worth does today, thankfully, allow me that right.

progress report 01:38:12 on Sunday, May 3 2009

So here's the latest from the student zone... Today I went back to Portsmouth to be assessed both on a practical basis, and on the portfolio I have had to put together. The result - Al "has been successful in reaching the National standard of competence in coaching Exercise and Fitness"! Hooray to that, I have qualified as a Fitness Instructor - next weekend sees the start of my Pilates training.

For the practical assessment I was required to take a friend to act as my "guinea pig" - we arrived a little early in order to practice a little - and I felt silly and self-conscious and oober worried. But when it came to the "real thing" it turned out so differently - yes I made all sorts of wee errors, but in a situation where I could not afford to "cop out" or refer to my handbook, it was very different, and it seemed to go well. I am very grateful to said gp (guinea pig / case study) for being such a star and giving up their precious saturday to support me - it means alot.

There is so much to do, and many of those things from a work perspective have had to take a back seat this last week, but I will work my way through it all in time. In the meantime, I have decided that tomorrow is a me day. A ME & BILLY day - I will sleep until I wake (no alarm clock will be set) and I will "play" outside (gardening and planting) and walk in the hills and have some time out. It's my gift, to me - I need a day off, and tomorrow's going to be just that.

Do you need some time out too? Can you give yourself some over this bank holiday weekend? It might just reap dividends in the week that follows...

Al