self-preservation 12:01 am on Friday, May 25 2007

It is not all about protecting ourselves from demons and problems and troubles and complications and/or even other people.

Sometimes we - you - I - need to go right back to basics and look at what we are doing to stay on our own side.

Self-esteem makes the world of a difference.

As does self-respect. And tolerance.

And trust.

3bt #4 11:55 pm on Thursday, May 24 2007

Saw the first hot air balloon I've seen this year

She was only ever at the end of the phone tonight I was reminded of that

Empty ironing basket (the little things are sometimes the best!)

commitment 11:51 pm on Thursday, May 24 2007

Tomorrow we have an auction of promises at The Stars, in aid of a local fund.

Ill be there. Not to bid (at least that is not the current plan!) but to be there. To be amongst friends, to be supporting the community, and to be sharing a happy evening.

Taking the word promise - they are all to easy to make. Sticking to them, that is something else altogether.

And aside from the promises we deliver (so freely) to one another, sometimes the most challenging - and most vital - are those that we make in time of reflection and evaluation, to ourselves.

awkward truths 11:49 pm on Wednesday, May 23 2007

Those girls on tv tonight spoke alot of truth. Truth about what anorexia really is and truth about what it does.

One wee thing sat on the phone to her family and shared all sorts of colourful language of expression as she attempted to strengthen her case. I remember doing that. If I use extreme language to support my extreme behaviour, towards those who I know really care, maybe they will hear what I want them to hear.

The response from Mum I am going to hang up the phone now.

Oops. So that didn't work then.

Failed with words. I'll take action then, just watch me.

The reaction. Were not going to watch. Do what you say you have to do - but we won't be there to respond.

Oh.

Ill manipulate.

Okay, but we know you are manipulating so any requests for trust aint going to be answered.

so now what?

rainy days and mondays 1:45 am on Tuesday, May 22 2007

Hey ho, we had both.

But just for today. New day in the morning.

Al x

self-assessment 1:51 am on Sunday, May 20 2007

Am I happy?

Am I healthy?

Are the people who matter to me happy and healthy?

Am I living according to my value system?

These are the questions that are important to me.

3bt #3 12:35 am on Thursday, May 17 2007

1. She is embarking on recovery. It has taken time but the wheels are in motion and it is exciting.

2. There was a sort of magic in the air today. I don't know why, where it came from, whether itll still be there in the morning, or even if anyone else felt it, but I did. It was definitely there.

3. Sunshine.

co-ordination 12:30 am on Thursday, May 17 2007

Talking to my sis is a complicated matter.

Why?

Because time gets in the way.

The sooner she is back from the US the better (counting the days down til her imminent return). For the last 4 years we have spoken more often to Ms. A.N.S. Aphone than to one another. When I am in, she's out. When I'm asleep she's awake. And vice versa.

Once she's back and once she's settled I anticipate plenty of banter, and (window)shopping trips and lazy lunches. In the meantime, we can both take comfort from the fact that many miles, and opposite time zones, and conflicting schedules will not make the slightest dent in our friendship.

Nothing will. It comes from a place of unconditional love.

remembering today 12:20 am on Thursday, May 17 2007

Making plans for the future is a beautiful thing to do and with imagination and creativity it can be inspiring and exciting. I do believe in dreams, and in the possibility that dreams can come true.

Living in a dream world, or living for the future is usually a different matter altogether.

If everything that matters depends upon tomorrow, it is easy to lose sight of the gift that we hold in the palm of our hand. Today.

Today well lived stands us in good stead for transforming those dreams into reality. Dont dream dreams. Live them.

3bt #2 12:19 am on Wednesday, May 16 2007

1. Rain (eternal as it has been) has fed my plants. The flowers. The veg patch. They have no excuse not to flourish.

2. Facebook has re-ignited links with long lost friends.

3. I am tired and the cottage is peaceful. I will sleep well.

no serious complaints 12:15 am on Wednesday, May 16 2007

As I sent an earring down the plug hole just now, I cursed what I had done.

Bother (shall we say!) why did I do that? I only meant to clean the bathroom window, not sweep said piece off the sill and down the drain.

Oh well. There are many annoyances and bug bears, and several far more serious than a lost stud, but in the grand scheme of things, I have to smile and remember wow. Life is incredible.

And it didn't used to be.

There are certain things that need work, for sure. But having the awareness** that this is the case stands me in good stead. I don't live in denial.

When you get a taste of recovery, you cant.

** and willingness too

3BT 1:51 am on Monday, May 14 2007

Have you heard about the Three Beautiful Things blog? It is beautiful in simplicity and sincerity and I personally get a lot from reading it every once in a while.

And every once in a while, I will take my turn, reader, to share with you 3 Beautiful Things that I have found in my day. And I might as well start now.

1. Opening my eyes this morning, to the sound of The Miaow purring and the view of The Woolies grazing.

2. Staying in bed a while longer, curled up in total cosiness.

3. Looking forward to my day with lovely friends.

Three Beautiful Things. Before I had even had the first cup of tea. Howzat for a good start to the day?

rogation sunday 1:30 am on Monday, May 14 2007

I heard a story this morning that made me smile. And ponder.

We were talking about Asking, in its various shapes and forms.

So there was this bloke, right (this is not a gag about an englishman irishman and scotsman in a pub by the way, so bear with me) his name was Abraham Something (I forget the surname). And every day, twice a day Abraham had a chat with God. And he asked him, and pleaded with him, sincerely, consistently, devoutly, Hey God, please please let me win the lottery. I promise to give lots of money to the poor and the needy, but please, just let me win. He never stopped pleading and praying and asking for his dream to come true.

And finally, after much waiting, much patience, total dedication, God answered his prayers. He answered saying Okay Abe, I hear you. But meet me half way mate. Buy a lottery ticket

It is all very well asking for something, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to take a moment to consider what we are doing to help ourselves acheive whatever it is we truly want. It is incredible the number of miles that we can cover, and distance we can cross, and the people we meet along the way, who support us on the journey and take over when we need a break, if we start by taking one small step.

ups and downs 1:00 am on Sunday, May 13 2007

Even when things are going okay, there are the inevitable ups and downs.

It is, in my opinion, by no means failure, to think from time to time Stop world, I want to get off. Every once in a while it is the way I feel and I see it as a reality check. For whatever reason, on occasion I feel the need to pause, take a step back and reconsider things.

Sometimes it is because I am tired. Sometimes it is because something isn't right. Sometimes it is just because.

Know what I mean?

fairy 11:51 pm on Thursday, May 10 2007

We share alot of common ground - although we have only touched upon it, it is clear to see.

Shes a great buddy - already - and I am really grateful for the new friendship. Every girl needs another girl (or several) nearby to have gossip with.

Using integrity and awareness, we can surround ourselves with everything and everyone we need, and who we can give something back to. And integrity and awareness do really matter.

bank holidays 11:38 pm on Thursday, May 10 2007

Its friday tomorrow and then it is finally the weekend again. It may have only been four days since the last day off* but its been a long week and I don't know why.

Am I the only one to find that whilst a three day weekend is a welcome retreat from the week, a four day week is just as long as one that lasts for 120 hrs?

* day off being a vague concept when self-emp. Half an eye on the weekend, half an eye on work.

reflections 12:26 am on Wednesday, May 9 2007

Seven years ago I got a glimpse of something from my past that I missed, and something in the present that sickened me, and most importantly of all, something in the future that was worth more than gold. And after seven years of self-destruction and doubt and regret, slowly change began to happen.

Seven years on, I love and live in the present, and I look forward to the future. I've learnt from the past, it has taught me crucial lessons. But whilst I can - and I do - bring those lessons into today, I owe it to myself to lay the past to rest.

anniversary 2:15 am on Wednesday, May 2 2007

I am a day late as the clocks have shifted on past midnight. But near enough, this is the anniversary for me, of the day I stepped out into the real world and embarked on life beyond despair, life beyond treatment, and life that can, has, does, and will, evolve in mysterious, challenging, beautiful ways.

In some ways, I could tell myself, happy birthday. Now we are seven.

fix 2:10 am on Wednesday, May 2 2007

We live in a quick fix world. Instant results. Instant gratification.

It doesn't always do us a favour. Not in the long run.