puppy dog tales, ch. twenty three 11:35 pm on Monday, April 428 2008

Happy 1st Birthday Billy. You are so cherished, despite (or perhaps slightly because of) all your mischief. You are a priceless addition to my life and I love you lots.

And lots.

(And Aggie is kind of getting used to having you hang out around here, too)

charity event 2:28 pm on Monday, April 28 2008

I went back to my school last night. 15 years after leaving I was invited to speak out, as a Senior - and as someone who has first hand experience of an eating disorder.

The event was incredible - they raised an immense amount of money hosting a fashion show in which the stipulation for strutting your stuff on the catwalk was simply that your dress size was adequate. No size zero. Or two or four. All models (stunning teenagers, pupils at the school) were a size ten, or above. They looked fabulous and it was great fun.

The concept for the event was devised by one amazing young girl who has watched much-loved friends go through the hell of anorexia. Along with three peers, and a team of pupils, staff and various others, they created an occasion that was intended to challenge the pressure to be skinny and to raise money for 3 causes, including an eating disorder charity.

As an ex-pupil, I was asked to speak. What an honour, what an opportunity. Last week I wrote my speech - speaking last night was so totally different to the work I usually do in speaking out about eating disorders. I was not there to tell my story, I was not there to answer questions. I was there to use precious minutes to speak to an incredibly mixed audience and, I hope, to deliver a resounding message.

Reading out from the paper in my hand, my hand was trembling and I heard my voice falter more than once. I spoke from the heart though, I was honest and genuine and I read my own words, no one elses. I meant what I said and I believed in it sincerely. I prayed that for someone I might have planted a seed of hope, my message is one of hope.

With the bright lights on me and the audience in darkness it was hard to know how people felt as I spoke. But the warmth and duration of the applause was powerful. The gentleman who came straight over to me after the show, and thanked me so warmly and generously, the fact that I was told that there were only few dry eyes in the house as I spoke, for all of these things I am truly blessed.

A part of me wishes I could do it again, minus the nerves. But I did it. it is done. And anxious or not, simply to have stood up and spoken is nothing short of an absolute transformation from the little girl I was when I was at school, who longed to stand in a spotlight but was so crippled by fear and self-consciousness and discomfort, that she went to any lengths to hide.

seeds of change 2:25 pm on Monday, April 28 2008

It is not up to us as unique and singular individual to change the world, or find a cure-all for all.

When speaking out to the masses, it is as much as anyone can do to simply sow seeds of change, sprinkle our ideas and beliefs and experience, and if we can reach someone, or a few, then we have made a difference.

Not everyone will listen, not everyone will hear. But someone might, and that is what matters.

comments 11:27 pm on Thursday, April 24 2008

I do write comments online from time to time, on various websites, including news sites. Occasionally they show up. My latest comment, yesterday, on dailymail.co.uk was not posted (fair comment, I can well imagine they will have received hundreds) so I will post it here instead. It is with reference to the report on Rosemary Pope who has died from anorexia, and is one of those more infrequent stories of an anorexic who lived into middle age.

Another tragic story of the reality of eating disorders. Another reminder that it is not ignorance or stupidity that leads to anorexia, this lady was highly intelligent and caring.
Whilst her life was cut short far too soon and her family must be devastated, Rosemary was lucky to stay alive for so many years whilst actively anorexic - the majority of sufferers are not so lucky and young people (all people) need to remember this - it is important to seek help as soon as possible and not to put it off until tomorrow - for tomorrow never comes and the russian roulette that you play with your life in the meantime is a dangerous game.
Families do often feel threatened and wary of broaching the subject with an anorexic loved one - but I urge you to please please speak out. It can save lives.

Think about it. I mean what I say, because it is true.

we are never given anything 11:26 pm on Wednesday, April 23 2008

We are never given anything more than we can handle. If we were, we wouldn't be here. Would we?

Walk tall. Trust.

bulimia, mark 2 12:08 am on Tuesday, April 22 2008

I am still cross. Frustrated. Change doesn't happen over night, it takes time. For those who are suffering that is little comfort, or none. For some, change will happen too late, which is no less than an absolute travesty, and tragedy. From which they, and we who might know them, all lose out.

hits 12:02 am on Tuesday, April 22 2008

springback.org.uk has had an unusally exceptionally high number of visits today. Why is that, I wonder? I hope that the reason is meaningful and good. Maybe I will find out, maybe I will never know. Heres hoping. Afterall, we have an awful lot to offer.

bulimia 5:31 pm on Monday, April 21 2008

I am seething! When are people going to get their facts straight, when are we going to move out of the dark ages in terms of realising the truth about eating disorders?

You don't need to be an orthopaedic surgeon or physiotherapist to understand that a broken back is a serious condition. But it seems that so many people have absolutely no understanding of the seriousness and symptoms of bulimia.

Obviously my latest frustration about this has been triggered by the media coverage of John Prescott and the scathing remarks that have been hurtling around as a result. Gluttony. Disgusting. Selfish. Vile. A greedy fat b**tard. I am absolutely apalled.

If you binge and purge, if you are forcing yourself to be sick, if you eat in an out of control way and go far and away beyond the point of satiety, if you are responsible for the mystery disappearance of large quantities of food in your home, if food is used in reaction to stress, pressure, pain or negative feeelings, then you have an eating disorder.

One of the key reasons why the actual number of people who are suffering (Yes - s u f f e r i n g) with bulimia is not known, is because by its very nature bulimia denies to the world that it exists. And it is often not a physically visible illness. Denial keeps people sick, locked in a world of destruction. Those people who react with cruel jibes such as those that are circulating at present are doing nothing to help, and everything to perpetuate the cycle of shame and secrecy that ruins lives. Thanks for nothing.

Whether you weigh 25 stone or 25 kilos, if you have an eating disorder then you need to get help.

It seems we have a very very long way to go, in getting the world to wake up. But we will not give up - quite the opposite - for change is possible.

3bt #18 1:06 am on Saturday, April 19 2008

Candlelight. Jasmine scented candle. Mmm.

For quite some time now, each day at least a handful of spring blooms have come into flower. Watching the garden wake up is a joyful thing.

The quiet and comforting tick tock of the clock. Constant, steady, strong.

the end of the week 1:01 am on Saturday, April 19 2008

Hundreds of miles and now, safely, back home. I've spent time with large groups, small groups and individuals. I've spent time with people I know, and people I don't know. I've been to places I havent been to before, and to familiar territory. I have been made to feel welcome throughout.

Most of this week I have been in the car, or at least enough time to feel that way. Mostly smooth travels, until this afternoon as I crawled onto the M3 and sat, and waited, and sat some more. I was impatient to get home, I've barely been home the last few days, and I was desperate to get off the road and out of the traffic.

Powerless.

Powerless over people places and friday evening traffic chaos. I fidgeted and sighed and groaned to myself, and then I turned the radio up, faced up to my powerlessness and did what I always do when I am on the road to nowhere, or the long long road to somwhere. I sang. And I thought lots and lots of thoughts.

Imagination is an incredible thing. Where would we all be without it I ask you? My imagination brings me escape from the mundane, brings me new ideas, helps to exercise the little grey cells, and opens up a whole new perspective on just about anything I want.

I have always been a dreamer and I see nothing wrong in that. I think dreams and imagination are beautiful magical inspring things. The only difference today, is that I don't depend on or live in my dreams. I aspire to them, they inspire me, they encourage and enthuse me, but they are not the be all and end all.

Live well today, and who knows what dreams might come true. Live well today, and see what tomorrow might bring.

I got home, eventually, creased and stiff and tired. But I was home, in my home, my wooden cottage with my creatures who comfort, and my weekend ahead of me. Bliss.

physical pain 12:58 am on Thursday, April 10 2008

It is wearing me out and so to is it keeping me awake. I am hurt, and oh boy does it hurt!

If I am to be reasonable and look for the good, I suppose that what it makes me realise, is how lucky I am that generally I am a fit and healthy person who does not feel pain on a daily basis. So many of us take that for granted as they say, you don't know what you've got til its gone.

For the moment, painlessness has escaped me and I am feeling alot of pain and struggling with it. I have never been one to freely reach into the medicine cabinet and pull out a fistful of painkillers - thats just not me. Eventually I did remind myself that it may do me a favour to take something to dull the pain - but it didn't help.

So what can I do? I don't know. Patience is perhaps the most important thing to hang on to, and listening to my body and nurturing it, not fighting the agony but accepting it and doing whatever caring things I can, to ease it. Theres no easy way, there is just the way that it is.

3bt #17 12:46 am on Thursday, April 10 2008

An april morning, tulips bright and beautiful, despite the weight of three inches of snow

A book recommendation from a friend who is someone who one day walked into my life with wise words, encouraging words, and wisdom, and although we have never met, I am so grateful for his friendship, humour, and the connection that is there.

A soak in the bath, allowing the water to support me and ease the pain I feel.

scallywag 11:23 pm on Thursday, April 10 2008

There was a smart alec out on the town in this village last night. Or rather, an eejit. Overnight, someone thought it clever to climb the railings, and onto the porch next door, and place a traffic cone over the hook (Christmas tree holder) that is pinned above the front door.

They didn't do the same at Spring Cottage (I thank my lucky stars) and perhaps it was the prickly climbing rose and my rickety porch that put them off.

It might have been funny for the tricksters at the time, but for those of us who live here, its simply an absolute nuisance.

gentle healing 11:17 pm on Thursday, April 10 2008

I woke to less pain. I got out of bed without cringing. I am healing and it feels good. I am grateful.

After a sedentary day, I went out this evening and I bent and I stretched and I finished with one of the most relaxed yoga classes I have ever attended, and enjoyed it. We were in an upstairs studio with a wall of windows and as we went into relaxation, the sun was setting over the horizon and the sky was lit up with dark beautiful colour. I was in Hastings and could just have well have been in the Caribbean. It was beautiful.

puppy dog tales, ch. twenty two 9:54 pm on Sunday, April 6 2008

White snow. Black Billy. I had been out all morning and by the time I got home the snow lay thick on the ground. Billy had clearly not bothered to go out to see it, so we went out together into the garden, and it was the most enchanting sight I have seen in a long time. Billy meeting the snow for the first time. He skipped (backwards) and danced (backwards) and snuffled about and as I threw snowballs at him he sniffed and leapt and started to resemble a back-to-front dalmation.

Being Billy, his favourite thing, was eating the snow. Great big mouthfuls of the white stuff. Delicious.

No sooner had my garden been tranformed into a winter wonderland, than the mutt had transformed it into a slippy slushy wonderland. For the laughter and delight I wouldn't have had it any other way.

And now he is roasting by the fire. We both are.

gym 11:30 pm on Sunday, April 6 2008

Ive joined the gym. I've been here for almost 18 months, and this week I decided that I was going to join the gym. The old timers amongst you, those who have read for a year and a day and then some, will know that I used to be a regular visitor to the gym in Leighton Buzzard. I rarely - if ever - entered the gymnasium. But I did, 3 to 4 times a week, take myself there for an hour or so at a time, for a pilates or yoga class. It was me time. Space. A challenge. Relaxation. And it was very grounding and it suited me and I cherished that time.

Moving here, I reckoned that it was something I would have to forfeit. And with all the open space around me, it seemed crazy to pay to take exercise and stretch within four mirrored concrete walls. But then I changed my mind.

These are NOT the reasons I have joined the gym:

- burn calories - pump iron - isolate myself - stare at four walls - tire out - shrink - ache - etc - etc - etc -

These are the reason why:

Build up lung capacity - strengthen myself up - balance out the sedentary hours days and weeks attached to email or sitting behind the wheel of the car - release the tension in my back and shoulders - and classes. I have missed pilates classes immensely and I can't wait to get back to them.

If I look after myself I can live life more fully and more bountifully.

I went to the gym this morning - two classes, the first was active and fun, the second was yoga and bliss. My back is grateful.

everything in moderation 11:15 pm on Sunday, April 6 2008

Sigh it sounds so dull. But do you know what, that is so not true!

Speaking for myself (Im a free spirit, I represent me, no one else!) if you want to do something - anything - and are comfortable with it and are not going to harm or put stress on yourself or anyone else in the process, then do it. I hope I will never be seen as someone who judges or assumes or preaches. I speak out, but I never ever want to preach. I don't tell people what to do but I do make suggestions and I do share information and I do answer questions honestly and openly and straight. I share knowledge, just as we all can. I share experience just as we all can. I offer hope, just as we all can.

Go out there, do what you want to do if it makes you happy, I suggest. But I also suggest that you might want to stop when you've had enough.

queen alexandra 10:20 pm on Sunday, April 6 2008

Its only a little thing but it took me aback completely. I was chatting to a friend on friday and found out another uncanny link I have with the logo I chose for Springback.

Choosing a name for the business was something that I thought about carefully and tried to think of the best word or phrase. After thinking hard for a little while, i stopped thinking and just wondered. I know me, and I know that when I let go, inspiration strikes. I was driving, the road from Princes Risborough to Wycombe as I recall(!) in the spring of 2005, thinking and wondering, and Springback popped into my head, and it stuck. At the time I didn't have a reason for it, but soon enough I could see how right it was. It is a word that for me symbolises renewed hope, renewed life, fresh starts, life, energy, a future, and for some people, it signifies Recovery. It works, and I like it.

The butterfly logo came a little later. Again, it was me who came up with it, it was almost as if a butterfly fluttered into my mind and asked to take residence in Springback. And I liked it and I let it stay and it serves me well as an emblem of life, freedom, natural beauty and the joy that is ours for the taking.

People have often remarked for all sorts of reasons, on the aptness of a butterfly for me, and for many reasons that I had not already thought of. The most recent - and most unusal link, was fridays Did you know that the largest butterfly in the world is the Queen Alexandra Birdwing? I didnt. But I do now.

It lives in New Guinea and has a wingspan of up to 32 cm. It is a rare tropical butterfly that lives in lowland coastal rainforests. It is currently on the US Endangered Species List. It was named by Alfred Meek in 1907 to honour Queen Alexandra, the Danish wife of King Edward VII of England.

Alexandra

woman magazine 12:46 am on Wednesday, April 2 2008

There is another article out today - for a week - in Woman magazine. I've not got alot to say about it really. Maybe it will be of value to someone though, irrespective of what I think.

Heres to hoping so.