fear 12:37 am on Sunday, April 29 2007

Fear is not my friend. We are familiar with one another and sometimes we dialogue with one another, but when we do we don't bring me peace.

But we don't have to meet up I can go elsewhere.

sand in my shoes 12:24 am on Sunday, April 29 2007

The beach was beautiful. I paddled up to my knees. A wee boy in a wet suit sat in the soggy sand and buried his legs in the sogginess. Dads played ball with children and pets. Girls grabbed the opportunity to catch some rays. Seagulls squawked in their charmingly crass accents.

Nothing beats a British seaside. It was a healing experience, bringing back memories of the past and gratefulness for the present.

the gift 12:08 am on Sunday, April 29 2007

I saw them and I loved them. She did too. Neither of us had planned to spend cash on ourselves and therein lay the dilemma.

Solution (I'll take the credit for coming up with it thank you!) we were having a divine day, enjoying time together, so in recognition of this why not exchange gifts. So we bought one another a pair.

Problem thus solved. With delight and pleasure I treated her. Likewise she treated me. For both of us any sense of self-indulgence was negated, as we shared the gift of giving.

hanging 12:02 am on Sunday, April 29 2007

One of our greatest hang ups may be what would they think if they knew x about me.?

We leave ourselves hanging as a result. Holding back. Wondering. Sometimes fearing.

And in a way we hang ourselves and our chances when we do this. If someone is truly worthwhile to be a part of our life in a rich and fulfilling way, they will take the rough with the smooth.

We all have imperfections and we all are perfect individuals. We all have chips and bruises and we all have the capacity to shine with immense beauty. And like the pieces of a jigsaw people can fit together - it just sometimes takes some time to figure out which piece fits where.

procrastination 11:21 pm on Monday, April 23 2007

If I had planned it - or even thought about it - I would not have done it. I cant I won't etc etc

Which is all a whole heap of rubbish. Seeing as on the spur of the moment I went off and acheived something more than I thought I could - or would.

All it was, was an expedition of sorts, but it was also an acheivement and I felt all the better for it. It put a sparkle in my eyes and regular doses could provide regular sparkle.

There is no denying it, procrastination sucks. And on the other hand, getting on with it can - so often - reap dividends.

funeral 1:30 am on Saturday, April 21 2007

I wasn't able to be there although I so wished that I might have. After a life well lived and a battle hard fought, she has moved on to another place. For the people left behind it is sad, so sad, and there is a void now she has gone.

Modern medicine is incredible. It works wonders. And she exceeded all expectations time and time again when even medicine could not offer her assistance.

Life is eternal, love is immortal, death is a horizon. The horizon is but the limits of our sight.

Beyond the horizon, so far as I am concerned, there is another rainbow.

reasons to be happy 1:22 am on Saturday, April 21 2007

Sitting on the M25 for three hours watching the seconds turn to minutes turn to eternity, I was less than delighted. I was too hot. I was late. I was getting closer and closer to missing my train and making it into town for a valuable event.

I did miss my train. I didn't make it.

So whilst I sat there, what was there to find that was positive.

1. I was in the queue, I was not in the accident that caused it. Me and my four wheels, we got home safe and sound.

2. Steve Wright In The Afternoon makes it hard to be totally gloomy even when I want to be.

3..I couldn't think of a third option at the time (although I am sure there was one, and a fourth and a fifth) but thats okay, two will do.

how now brown cow 1:12 am on Saturday, April 21 2007

Beyond the cottage, beyond the garden, over the stream, beyond the field of sheep, brown cows have been delivered to graze.

They are gorgeous, and I welcome them.

electric shock 1:11 am on Saturday, April 21 2007

British Gas supply my electricity. A bill arrived today.

On the news today it was announced that there has been a record number of complaints about said company and their charges. I would like to add my name to the list.

friends 12:40 am on Sunday, April 15 2007

We sat at the bottom of the garden, down by the stream as the light grew dim. From across the water the woolies looked over to us eavesdropping perhaps? We went into the local town and talked, over good food in a warm and bright atmosphere. Talked about anything and everything - about those things (both ups and downs) that filled our minds, the news about what was happening, and about what wasnt.

Good company. Good conversation. Understanding, feedback, guidance and acceptance. Thats what friends are for.

living, loving and losing 2:15 am on Tuesday, April 10 2007

For many, the Easter weekend - and the whole season of springtime - represent new life, new beginnings, and hope.

For someone I love, this weekend will have been one of the most difficult yet. To lose a loved one is painful, to take away that pain is in many ways impossible. In times of such immense loss, love is a staple in surviving, in somehow getting through. I can only offer her love, and support and friendship, and hold her tightly in my thoughts and in my heart. Time will help to heal, and the happy memories will provide comfort, memories of happy days, of laughter, of those eyes that always sparkled, of the smile that was always there

But for the present, the sense of loss is likely to be overwhelming.

le chat 2:05 am on Tuesday, April 10 2007

She has delicately trodden across the crisp white bed linen and settled in her usual place ready to sleep by my side.

And she's left delicate muddy footprints to prove it.

people 11:22 pm on Tuesday, April 10 2007

There is nothing nicer than time spent with the people who matter (to me/you/oneself).

Where we are does not matter. What is going on does not matter. What matters most and shapes the memory long after the moment has past, is the people who shared the experience.

Grab a hold of the genuine friendships that are out there - they are yours for the taking.

temptation 3:39 pm on Wednesday, April 4 2007

Thats it. I have had enough. I have sat here long enough today looking out on light and colour and fresh air and sunshine.

Im off - I need a dose of the big outdoors

See ya!

ouch 3:37 pm on Wednesday, April 4 2007

Ive got 2 earaches. Which is a real headache.

feeling the knowing 11:48 pm on Wednesday, April 4 2007

Knowledge is only a rumour until it is experienced in the body

touching (damp) wood 4:48 pm on Monday, April 2 2007

I don't want to count my chickens before they have hatched, tempt fate, or ask for trouble by saying this.

But assuming that none of the above can be caused by an innocent blog, I'll say it as it is

It was completely bothersome and miserable to wake up to a flooded cottage on friday and I felt really unlucky and cross. The weekend provided some light relief as it was shared with welcome guests to stay and an expedition to the beach at Camber Sands (fantastic location for kite-flying by the way). My crossness lessened.

Nonetheless domestic crisis and damage and mess

Insurance company contractors visiting today, and recognising that this is what I am paying my premiums for

Heres hoping, anyway

ever-decreasing circles 4:31 pm on Monday, April 2 2007

Its a familiar cycle, and we see it so often with people who are in trouble.

Things go wrong - they feel the heat - they want help. They get in touch. We show them what is out there, make enquiries, narrow the choices down, discuss the importance and good sense in the decision to escape from a spiral of destruction, and they resolve that they are ready to change.

This is followed by a 180 degree about-turn. They don't need help, they can fix themselves, they are not ready, they are not really that bad, and they vanish.

Until next time. And all we can do is be there, ready and waiting, for that moment when they see that going round in circles gets you nowhere.

At that point, there is no I told you so or you've missed your chance. The door is still open, they are still welcome to stumble through. Better late than never, there is no question about that.

balancing act 10:17 pm on Monday, April 2 2007

He read my post about village life and heard a voice of contentment that sometimes we all yearn for and idealise about.

He read my post about the flood, and heard the finer details of it from me first hand, and he was (we both were) reminded that we all have our ups - and our downs.

We laughed and acknowledged that contentment is about taking the rough with the smooth. It is not about perfection (whats that?) it is about survival and doing your best, no matter what the setting might be - or bring.

Sometimes life feels like walking on water. Other times, its like battling through deep water. In the grand scheme, we get through, and that is what is important.