puppy dog tales, ch. twenty one 10:41 pm on Sunday, March 30 2008

Billy loves big dogs. We meet many other dog walkers and dogs as we go out across the fields. Billys favourites are always the big dogs. I have often laughed and said that he looks up to them respect, man as if that is what he aspires to be, or perhaps believing that he is that big - that they are equals.

Even if by comparison he is a titch.

Billy is also rather prone to jump up - at me, at my chair, at anything - despite constant reprimands. As with every part of Billy, this part is in no way agressive, quite the opposite, but so too, it is not on.

It occurs to me that pehaps he doesn't jump up just because he is naughty (though he is not excused, its well known he's a little pickle) but also because he is not a big dog and he wants to be - he wants to be able to see, he wants to be included, he doesn't want to miss a thing. And if he needs to stand on two paws not four, and increase his height in order to improve his view, then that is what he will do.

Hes short(ish), and nosey and he is doing what he sees fit to deal with this.

But Billy, you are not excused. Down!

how does your garden grow 10:25 pm on Sunday, March 30 2008

Eventually, late in the afternoon, I got out into the garden and I got down on my hands and knees.

Despite the snow, the hail, cold nights and endless rain, spring is upon us. The daffodils along the banks in the High Street have been beautiful as always they are, and in the Spring Cottage garden plants are waking up, the tulips are coming into bloom and new buds are appearing and new life is emerging. Its only become visible very recently - the waking-up process - and it is due and welcome.

As I knelt there in the soil, weeding the border, with a squeaky puppy over my shoulder trying to intefere with my work, it was good to be out, it was good to be at ground level, on the face of the earth, taking care of the earth. It was a pleasure, and the added bonus is the result - the reward, the sense of satisfaction and the anticipation of the immense beauty that we can get out of this life, in exchange for giving just a little bit of ourselves.

Look after your environment, and it will look after you and bring you joy.

benevolence 10:14 pm on Sunday, March 30 2008

Three Chelsea Pensioners, sitting in a row. The gentleman in the middle had a face that hinted of a thousand stories - of war, of peace, of joy, of tragedy. He was prisitine in his scarlet coat and across his heart he wore a wide badge of honour - medals, many medals, and I can only imagine and never really know the extent of what was endured to merit them.

He made us smile as he spoke loudly to his neighbour and chuckled to himself and was himself.

We have alot to thank them for. Alot. My respect for those who walked before me, and served selflessly, is something I don't have words for. And so many of them gave up their tomorrows, so that we might have today.

And today, so many more are doing the same.

typical 10:43 pm on Wednesday, March 26 2008

My own belief is that there is no such thing as a typical person. Each and every single one of us that have ever walked this planet are fantastically unique.

That said, there are of course so many similarities and so much that we can learn from one another if we are willing. There are typical traits that we see mirrored in people who are in a similar situation or are living in similar ways or are struggling with the same demons.

Take anorexia. I have yet to meet a sufferer of anorexia whose self worth is not on the floor. I have yet to meet an anorexic who is unable to identify closely with my own experiences of this crushing disease. Only recently one young girl told me that I knew so much about her without her even saying a word. I know I said. Her bubble of isolation had sprung a leak, she was no longer quite so alone. Which is not a bad place for the healing process to start.

passage to springback 10:21 pm on Wednesday, March 26 2008

It may entertain you to read a select few of the words and phrases entered into search engines, that have brought the viewer to this website over the last few weeks. The following are some of the more unusual ones - not indicative of a viewer who was looking for information on presentations to schools, counselling and intervention support, and the various work that we provide. Enjoy!

bucket full of love

rogation sunday

springback dog (is billy famous?)

dem aching bones

taking the mick out of cinderella

unsual bucket

winter springback

pole dancing lessons in leighton buzzard (if you break this down you can see how it brought them here! I used to live in leighton buzzard and referred to it in my blog, and Toms presentation is the so-called pole dance - but not of the variety that I imagine the viewer was looking for! They visited this site just once)

instructions on howing to grow your own daffs step by step

Inevitably, plenty of other searches that have brought people here have been searches for me, for Erwin, Andy, Ian et al, searches for springback.org, searches for various schools, searches for help with anorexia. And as I mentioned the other night, viewers are far and wide - a steady little flow of regular visitors now, and new ones, all across the globe. You are all welcome, and your interest inspires me - thank you for visiting!

(If you know of anyone who can help me to revamp and relaunch the site, please let me know. It is time to go bigger and better, more informative, more up to date I need help with this!)

self-respect 12:16 am on Tuesday, March 25 2008

Walk tall, walk sure and strong. I was sent this message tonight and it is right and apt for all of us.

And if we have a sense of self-respect then indeed we will do no less. Even if it sometimes takes a whole heap of effort, it is worth it. I am worth it. So are you. Lets do it, together.

nothing 10:55 pm on Tuesday, March 25 2008

Sometimes it is not the obvious or easy thing to do, but sometimes it is the best thing to do.

If in doubt, if uncertain, if unconvinced, if you have the space to do so (which perhaps go on give you the space to find some answers) do nothing.

If nothing else, it can't leave you regretting what you have done.

analytics 1:01 am on Tuesday, March 25 2008

It is intriguing, interesting, sometimes useful, sometimes curious, when I take a look at the statistics to see which parts of the world have been looking at this website. For the most part it is the UK, and plenty of the overseas hits are short and one off. Some are not so - and I wonder who they are and whether I will ever know.

Today - a few pages have been revisited by a viewer in Florida. And Bahrain. And Finland.

Hello to all of you - whoever you are!

the call of the sea 11:55 pm on Monday, March 24 2008

I woke to the call of the sea. It was raining at home. The rain stopped, I went out to do chores, and the snow began to fall. White out.

Undeterred we went to the sea, and walked along the shore and danced through the lapping waters edge.

The sun came out. And so I knew why the sea had been calling. I needed that trip, and it gave me some strength.

mika 10:32 am on Monday, March 24 2008

Awesome album. I love it.

Smile like you mean it

So human as I am, I had to give up my defences. So I smiled and tried to mean it, to let myself let go

Take a bow, play the part

Live well reader,

toolbox 9:26 am on Sunday, March 23 2008

There are tools that all of us can pick up to cope with, process or find completion around difficult, hurtful or frustrating situations. Mostly it tends to be the simple things that are most effective - openess, honesty, taking time, talking

I know that it is up to me to decide whether today will be a good day - I have everything I need in order to allow it to be a good day - I also have the option of allowing a difficult, hurtful and frustrating (yes, all of the above!) situation to sabotage the day.

Having hardly slept last night, I woke early, I went out into the quiet still of the morning and I walked down the lane with Billy. I had a chat with a friend on the phone. I cleared my head and I reflected and I remembered that it is Easter Day. Gradually, but firmly, I became ever more trusting that if I am willing to delve into lifes toolbox, then there is no reason why today should not be a good day, full of hope.

Happy Easter reader.

And now I have blogged it, I guess I am kind of committed to it

care 10:14 pm on Thursday, March 20 2008

In the late 90s I couldn't look after myself. I endeavoured to compensate for this by focusing on looking after others. I worked in retail and catering (in a shop, cafe and pub), in childcare, I worked as a nanny, an au pair, a nursery school teacher, I did voluntary work, I painted glass and ceramics and sold them for charity and for income.

The shame about it all, is that I had huge potential to give so much, in all of these roles. Not to mention what I had to offer far and a way beyond them. Care, support, intelligence, laughter, hope. And whilst I did my best to offer some of all of these, I couldn't and didn't possibly offer as much as I had to give.

If you can't take care of yourself, taking care of others, in the long run, is futile. One of the greatest joys of living in wellness in the real world, with real people, real life, and real ups and downs, is that nothing really, is pointless. Everything becomes purposeful, meaningful and credible. Even the tough stuff.

puppy dog tales, ch. twenty 10:03 pm on Thursday, March 20 2008

A few bite sized installments

As we headed out for a walk yesterday the rain began. The air was bitter. I was tired. Billy bounded through the fields, sometimes with a stick, sometimes stickless, but always full of gusto enthusiasm and energy. I guess they call it puppy power. I need some of that just now.

Billy and Gonzo - the handsome adolescent dalmation - danced and darted, and out of the two of them guess who was faster - the middle sized mutt, or super speedy Mr. Titch? Guess

Hes got a completely non-discerning palate. I thought he may regret that tonight - for tonight he was the peppercorn puppy, and when it happened I expected him to cough and sneeze and snort and splutter, but no if your name is Billy then anything goes.

the big little things 12:13 am on Tuesday, March 18 2008

Billy and I had been cooped up all day and we needed to get out. He was as Billy is, happy and busy and ready for a scamper. I was as I happened to be, still pondering over the weekend as well as overflowing with lists in my head of what needs doing next.

We got as far as The Mill and then we got a call, and so we waited for five minutes, for company on our walk. When said company appeared, we ventured off and squelched our way through the fields. To have that companionship, and a chance to natter and share the soggy walk made my head a million times better. All I needed, and everything I needed, was a chat. I got it.

Its amazing, what a difference another persons head makes. It is amazing that sometimes when you least expect it and most need it, someone is there for you.

Keep your eyes open, theres no telling what you might find.

ouch 12:04 am on Tuesday, March 18 2008

The weekend began with the taste of a bitter pill in my mouth. It hurt. I pondered on it and wondered about it and was somewhat stunned that it happened.

I slept on it. I awoke still with it, and the feelings shifted on to the next phase, upset. My gut instinct was to hide - to shut the door on the world and keep my head down and tuck myself away, safe.

Sometimes it is better not to follow your gut, especially when people on the outside are telling you otherwise. I followed the words of another and I got out of my own way and I was blessed for doing so. I spent the weekend with people who mean the world to me and I did not succumb to the escape artist within me who is not always my friend.

By sunday night I felt more settled, gratitude was returning, and the miserable beginning to the previous two days had not set a precedent for how the rest of those two days unfolded.

I felt better. Not ecstatic, not beyond it all, but definitely, immeasurably, better.

to do 12:22 am on Friday, March 14 2008

The to do list is forever. Everything on the list thinks it should be top of the list. I can only do what I can do. I will try to do just that.

I moan perhaps, and worry for sure, about everything, but I also realise that I am privileged to be able to say that I have too much to do. Its a good sign that there is a place and a point and a need for springback!

One of the many that are screaming out to be at the top of the list - amidst the emails, the mailshot, the books, the phone calls, the whatever else - is the website. With everything that is going on, I really do need to and long to get dear old springback.org.uk revamped and revitalised and give it a bit of a facelift.

Ill get there. Its gradually creeping up the waiting list.

reflections 11:52 pm on Sunday, March 9 2008

I sit in JFK airport, waiting to board my delayed flight home and I am tired. Good tired. Tired as a three day journey enters its final phase. I have spoken to an audience of (probably) millions. I have walked what feels like a million or more steps.

I flick through the pages of Jack and Rockets Life is Good and I smile as the pages turn and I read words that are simple and true.

Everything is a once in a lifetime experience.

Indeed. And I am on my way home from one of these things.

The pursuit is the reward

Pursuing this opportunity was a reward that I cherish.

Not all who wander are lost

Not even me, lost in New York. No, not even me.

If you don't go, you don't see

I went. And I saw. And I am blessed.

bedazzled in the big apple 12:55 am on Saturday, March 8 2008

It started early in the morning, with a big silver car arriving at Spring Cottage, to take me to the airport. Nice. The flight - not so nice - bumpy all the way. My heart thumped and my hands gripped the arm rests and I sent out arrow prayers.

Once I was through customs I was swept up and delivered to 59th street for the filming of a pre-interview. How jet lagged did I feel - and look! Oh, and that sweeping process involved a big black limo with tinted windows and a wonderful driver called Daniel and I looked out onto a big huge city like a little girl at christmas, tipsy on happiness - overtired and utterly enthralled.

We filmed in a studio and we filmed in the street. None of it was rehearsed all of it was off the cuff. And some of it felt quite surreal. Me, pacing down the sidewalks of Manhatten, on camera, conscious of heads turning to watch, heads that appeared curious to know what was going on. That little girl of - within - my heart, she giggled.

I was greeted so warmly at the hotel with smiling faces, a drink, and (thank goodness) a street map! By now it was midnight my-time, 7.00 pm NYC-time, and it was me-time. I changed and ventured out into the night and I embraced it. 5th Avenue. I passed by shops, shops, and more shops. And people. And huge and awesome architecture. I walked and I smiled and I was present - completely and absolutely present in the moment, in each and every moment. I found a place to sit and eat, and I sat, and I ate, and I was on my own but I was not alone.

In so many ways it was a day that for me, was like no other. And yet in other ways it was a day like so many days of this life - it was a day when it felt so good to be alive and to be experiencing the twists and turns and passage of life.

window on the world 1:13 am on Saturday, March 8 2008

I sit at a table in the window, and I am quiet, and I look out on to the hectic pace of the life outside and the haste and the speed and the enormity of it all. Everything around me is huge. The noise is huge, and every time a new customer swings in through the door, some of that noise crashes in, for a moment, just until the door swings shut and it is pushed out - semi muffled - again. The buildings are huge and they are everywhere - a concrete jungle that is curiously magnificent. The volume of traffic and the number of people are massive, huge, bustling and rushing.

Noisy frantic super-sized life is all around me and I am an observer and a player and these roles carry responsibilities, of which I am aware.

In that moment as I sit, and look out, and reflect, I am peaceful.

beat me to it - see me on tv! 9:39 pm on Wednesday, March 5 2008

what I mean is that if you would like to you can see a video online, of the tv show I was on this morning, here in New York. If you are interested please got to www.mandjshow.com and from there it wil be pretty obvious as to which links you should follow to find me (anorexia / genetics discussion)

Ive been writing bits and blogs whilst I have been here, sitting in cafes watching the world go by and scribbling on any scraps of paper I can find at the bottom of my handbag. When I am back home in the uk I will share some of those ponderings with you reader.

Got to fly not just because I am within an arms length from 5th avenue and I can feel it calling to me honestly! I am in NYC for such a very short time and I want to get back out there and see it and be in it and enjoy it!

06.03.08 Blogpost Update: the link is http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/born-anorexic/

new york new york 11:47 pm on Monday, March 3 2008

Well here we go. It is happening. Tomorrow I fly to New York, for the first time in my life. Hey!

I had a call last week from a tv show out there who read Marie Claire, and the long and short of it is that I am flying out to be on their show on wednesday to share (I hope) my experience strength and hope.

What an opportunity. I hope to do it justice, and vice versa. I will be home again on friday. Until then, I wish you well.