the darkest hour 19:59:08 on Thursday, February 26 2009

I was a child who always slept like a baby. Long, deep, nourishing sleep. Unlike many little people, I couldn't bear for my bedroom door to be left ajar, so as to let the light from the landing shine in - I needed darkness, total darkness, to curl up and head to the land of nod. I wasn't scared of the dark, for me it was safe, secure and warm.

Two things about night time that did worry me were, firstly, that man who comes into your room on christmas eve and puts gifts in the stocking at the end of your bed - he was banned from my bedroom - I wasn't going to have a strange person in my room whilst I slept. Instead, my stocking was left on the step outside my bedroom door and he could fill it up out there. Secondly, the monsters that live under your bed - they scared me a little bit - the ones that mean you have to long-jump off the bed if you need to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night - to make sure they don't catch you by your ankles.

Deep into the years of my anorexia, a new night terror came upon me - sleep paralysis. It is - and was - the most frightening feeling I have ever felt - and it came about as a consequence of my eating disorder. I would lie there, slipping into sleep, or fitful in my slumber, and a wave of terror would sweep over my body. Physically I was asleep and physically I was totally unable to respond - quite literally paralysed. I remember the first few times it happened - overcome with fear, blood running cold, and utterly stuck, motionless. I would sense an overwhelming presence in the room, standing over me, terrifying me. My heart would flutter, then thump, then slow right down. My face felt white and icy, not that I was able to reach up to touch it, and I couldn't move, and I had no voice. I wanted to reach out, I wanted to defend myself, I wanted to scream.

I had no idea what was happening - it was a living nightmare. I was trapped between wakefulness and sleep, trapped in terror, trapped in fear, trapped in my own body, like I was suffocating, I was utterly powerless, overwhelmed, and scared, so very scared.

Eventually, and never soon enough, it would pass. I got my self back, and was able to move. Always, I would switch on my bedside light as I tried to disconnect from the experience, and settle myself back down. Often, I had to leave that light on in order to sleep, to avoid a repeat performance. I remember on more than one ocassion Mum came into my room wondering why she had seen my light on - it was the only way I could escape my Terror in the Night.

As the episodes of night terrors repeated, I came to realise, as they were happening, what they were - but it didn't help. I still couldn't move, I still was so afraid, I still felt as though I was suffocating. It is one of those things that there simply are not the words for - the only way to understand it is to experience it. They came randomly and unpredictably, and every time, the effect was the same. Sheer agony.

Wellness gradually brought me relief from night terrors. I have had one or two, briefly, quite out of the blue, and normally not at night - once I was (unusually!) dozing on the sofa on a saturday afternoon and I felt that old feeling sweep through me. A reminder of the past. They are not a part of my life now.

sunday night review 00:43:47 on Monday, February 23 2009

It feels like longer than it has been, since I last blogged. I've been wanting to drop in more frequently and perhaps I will. My mind has had all sorts of blog thoughts floating about - but they haven't materialised.

So here we are, the end of another week, the start of a new one. This last week hasn't been the greatest in Al's world - it has been far from problematic or bad - but I've been a bit blue . It happens - life isn't always perfect and sometimes its the little things that drag our attitude and mood down. I know in this instance it is the little things - that led to me feeling tired and isolated and cross. My head has been a bit of a fug and I've annoyed myself and a been little bit (?!) oversensitive (read: burst into tears at all the wrong moments)...

I'm not in a rut and I am not stuck and tomorrow is a new day and I am going to help myself. In fact that's already started - after a monday-friday of all of the above, the last two days have been lovely. I slept late yesterday and when I did get up I...

...spent some time doing some study for the diploma - which lifted a weight off my shoulders and got me all enthusiastic and encouraged (but is it normal to talk back to an online voiceover tutor who is pre-recorded, can't hear you, and ignores you when you argue back?)

.... dealt with some outstanding emails - many more yet to tackle

... cursed virgin trains (very therapeutic!) for trying to take over 700 quid off my credit card for train tickets I haven't booked (this is yet to be resolved) and having no such thing as a real human being to talk to on their help line.

... got into the garden and pottered, and nattered to my neighbours over the garden fence and heard all the news about their brand new first grandchild.

... had a lovely evening out in town with a glorious friend - food, great company, buzzy atmosphere - lovely.

Today I woke feeling good - better - and for the first time in several weeks I went to church. I walked up there and it was incredibly mild - spring is in the air! And then spur of the moment it was so lovely to catch up with lovely people for a drink in the pub next door (to the church) - they say laughter is the best medicine, but good company is too, just as much. Mix the two together and you are on to a winner! I continued to feel better.

Billy and I had a little wander in the fields this afternoon, and the day drew into evening, and now it's late, and tomorrow a new week begins.

I hope this finds you well. Be the best you can be - be who you want to be, and I'll do my best to do the same - that's this weeks pledge

Take care of yourself, and of the people who matter to you,

study 01:37:26 on Monday, February 16 2009

I've got my t-shirts (for the training weekends away) and I've got my log-in details all up and running and I am embarking on the first stage of the diploma I am doing. I am SO excited to be learning and working towards a qualification that is recognised worldwide.

I am doing a Complete Pilates Diploma - which involves in the first instance an anatomy and physiology installment - an online course.

Why am I doing it? Because I have been thinking about it for many months and it is a training course in something that I love and that other people have seen that I love and that I could be good at. Because I believe it can enhance what I currently offer through springback. Because I need to develop. Because I can, and I want to. Because there is nothing to lose and I am open to see what there is to gain.

I don't want to use this training as a route into working in a gym, I want to use it as a route into other areas. My focus is on wellbeing and whole and happy and healthy people, and nurturing the body and the mind are crucial to this. Pilates, Yoga, Stretch... these and many similar practices can have a powerful effect on promoting wellness and happiness.

I've practiced yoga and pilates (on and off) for several years and whilst I have worked on physical progess in classes, slowly and surely in the background to the physical work, I have noticed that progress has happened on another level. I used to resent "relaxation" as I struggled to do the deep-breathing and it wound me up! But no more - now I really feel its benefits. I would get impatient with things that were outside of my comfort zone but now I embrace them. My body and my mind have gained strength and calmness and movement - and it is good to know that there is still much more to gain.

I am doing this course for me. And I am doing it for others. I want to learn, and then share. It might just open new doors.

velveteen doggit 01:22:38 on Monday, February 16 2009

Billy got wet yesterday. Not unusual. And muddy. Equally unsurprising. We walked through rain-soaked fields and Billy bathed in puddles - leaping and bounding and creating virtual tidal waves. He loved it. I was less impressed but I smiled all the same - his delight has that effect on me.

Half way along we bumped into Scrap, and Scrap's human lady. Scrap was fine - running around like the rascal that he is. Human lady was less fine - shocked and upset at the squeals she had just heard when Scrap had scampered onto the railway line and got not one, but two electric shocks. She was beside herself - and I would have been just the same. We talked, and watched Billy and Scrap play, and it was clear that all was well. We parted company and Bill and I headed home.

As I put his lead on him to walk down the road I coudn't miss the fact that my boy was more mud and less dog. Nothing else for it... bath time.

And what a star. He was good as gold as I washed him, shampooed him, rinsed him, towelled him off and then.... got the hairdryer out.

The result: A pristine (won't last) velvet-coated (won't last) beautiful (always) scrumptious pup. Sweet boy.

precious life 01:11:35 on Monday, February 16 2009

There are some pretty cruel comments and judgements being voiced by some, by others there is nothing but warmth support and compassion. Jade Goody is a human being, a daughter, a mother, a person. And she is dying.

We all make mistakes, to err is human is it not? To have trip-ups and mistakes plastered across the papers can only be a painful and difficult thing. We are all different - that is what makes us unique. The press can be wicked in its portrayal of people - dehumanising them, using them as scapegoats. We are quick to judge and often slow to really see. We can be easily influenced and damning of anothers errors, and yet so slow to accept or correct our own.

Jade, whoever you really are, away from the eye of the media, I am so deeply sad and apalled that your life is being cut short. I hope the rest of your days will be filled with love and some laughter. Every life, however short or long, is precious, special and important. Your legacy will be one of love for your boys.

stats 01:21:26 on Thursday, February 5 2009

I keep an eye on the statistics for my website - it is a useful busines exercise, but more than that it is interesting as I wonder where my readers are from and what they are reading - I am a curious creature and like to know!

Over the last year there have been well over 7000 visits to springback. Over 22,000 page visits. By over 2500 people. My homepage is the prime landing page - inevitably. Plenty of viewings of presentation pages, our testimonials, and media coverage. As I look at the stats on a day to day basis, and looking at the bigger picture of stats for the year, there are a lot of blog readers. Many are regular readers and whilst I don't know who you are or what brought you here or whether you will stick around, I hope that you feel welcomed and that somewhere within my thoughts and words you can get something positive. "New traffic" is always good. Every small business is grateful for that. "Returning traffic" is wonderful - I am honoured that you saw a reason to come back.

Stay close

twinkle 00:47:04 on Thursday, February 5 2009

As I sank lower and lower, one of the most significant shifts, in the eyes of another, was not to do with my weight, but was when the light went out of my eyes. The life had gone. The sparkle wasn't there any more.

I have been told throughout my life that my eyes hold alot of expression and feeling. They show sadness more piercingly than any other part of me or what I do or say. The same with joy - my eyes show what I feel.

In many people you can read alot about where they are at, from their eyes. Eyes, as they say, are the window to the soul - but in some the window is more crystal clear than in others. In others it's a little more mysterious, tricky to work out, hard to interpret.

My eyes, however have always been pretty readable. Which is a blessing in real life, and felt like a curse when I was living a life of ducking and diving and trying to hide - and I did my damnedest to hide - and sometimes the only way, was simply to shut my eyes.

I shut my eyes to possibility - to change - to the words of the people around me who loved me the most - my eyes, ears, heart - they had all closed, shut down.

As a child my parents very rarely called me by my Christian Name - so rarely so that when it did occur I assumed I must be in trouble! I grew up being referred to by nicknames. One of those I will save for another time - the other - well, take a look at the blog title...

The origin of the name is nothing to do with all of the above, so far as I am aware. But it does make me reflect now, on the journey, and the irony of the choice of name. It - I - was there, my parents had their daughter, and then it - I - went away for a long time, a painful long time.

As can happen for all of you, whoever you are, wherever you are at, with healing, love and support, me and my twinkle came back. If it happened for me, it can happen for you too.

white stuff 00:45:42 on Tuesday, February 3 2009

It's the talk of the town - the talk of the nation - it's all white and crisp and even.

Or at least it was - and then Billy found it - and he scampered and he scuffled and he sneezed and he scuttled and he sent snow flying everywhere - and he made me laugh

We went on an expedition around the village and across the fields and it was white and bright and beautiful. The air was so still and silent that sounds from afar carried great distances - and a long way away, after hearing delighted shrieks of laughter, I spotted a group of people sledging on a hillside.

We walked down the road, rather than the pavement, it was safer where the gritters had been, and there were barely any cars about. I had my camera with me and took shots of the village, which was looking Dickensian and wonderful.

I've heard the mixed reactions - via the media - to the weather we are having. For the mostpart it has been gorgeous - those folk who are determined and inclined to enjoy Snow Day and make the most of it - staying safely at home and having snowball fights. I have heard some talk of how weak and feeble we are, ill equipped to master extreme weather and rather than having a different day it should all be business as usual, school as usual etc etc.

Why should we be equipped though - and why on earth should we be taking risks on the road just to make sure we carry on as normal. This is a one (or two) off - we don't need to invest in precautions and protection against snow that falls this deep only once in a blue moon. It would cost more than we have to spare right now. What we need to invest in, rather, is the nous to realise what is the safest thing to - and if that means staying at home then so be it.

We all need a little bit of magic in the air once in a while - and if a flurry of snow can bring that then let it - it'll be back to business as usual soon enough.

Please, keep safe and warm