same old story 12:30 am on Thursday, February 28 2007

I have stood up and spoken hundreds of times to hundreds of thousands of people. I am very privileged to have had the opportunity to do so. I have heard the sound of my own voice each and every time I address a new audience and as such sometimes I bore myself! Nonetheless, everytime I speak, it is with passion and belief and devotion to the cause I work for - prevention of, and recovery from, a cruel and potentially lethal illness.

At the end of todays presentation in a venue that I have visited many times over the years, in a school that is like an old friend - comfortable, safe, familiar to me - I got some interesting feedback.

Your presentation is different - it has changed alot (he has heard me speak several times over the years) You say things you never used to say. You give your age, you give details that you didn't share before, you speak differently, you sound different, your clothes are different. Thank you, it was great.

I don't notice the changes as they happen - they evolve as a gradual process of growth and development. But just because I don't notice at the time, doesn't mean it isn't happening. Change is happening all of the time, for all of us.

As time passes, I'm finding Al more and more and finding out what works for me and who I am and who I am becoming and settling in to my skin. The story is unfolding - all of the time, and the journey is proceeding.

bernard shaw says 4:39 pm on Monday, February 26 2007

Life is no brief candle for me. Its a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for a moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to the future generations

Nice one. I want that too.

aging 3:22 pm on Monday, February 26 2007

They are playing the non stop oldies on the radio. I remember them well from my schooldays. Does that mean that at the tender age of 30 I now qualify as an oldie?

picking up the pieces 3:14 pm on Monday, February 26 2007

Somebody I care very deeply for is in an eating disorders unit at the moment. She says she wants to be well, she wants a life free of her illness. As I have said, nobody who has self-respect and self-acceptance ends up in a place like that and as she follows a programme of refeeding, so too does the most important work need to be done - the work that will sustain recovery once it begins - on her Self.

Each time I found myself in hospital I kicked and screamed. I truly believed that I was being victimised, attacked by the people around me, being punished. My head told me that the experts didn't really think that I qualified for a place, but gave me one anyway just to humiliate me, because they knew it was the thing I feared most ( - like they had nothing better to do with their time?) To lessen my guilt about taking up space, and to avoid facing up to me I focused on the people around me, I spent my days trying to urge them on to get well. I got on well with many of the people I met over those months and we shared some of the most intense times our lives. As much as I longed to - and tried to - escape, as much as sometimes the day-today dramas were sometimes hard to bear, hospital was also somewhere I felt safe. I was shut away from the world and everything about daily life that I found so hard to cope with.

But wherever I went, hospital, holiday - everywhere - I took me. And until I faced up to the fact that I could not escape me, nothing was going to change. Learning to like me, learning to value me, seeing my gifts and channelling them in positive directions, these and so much more were where recovery kicked off. Baby steps, one at a time, step by step, and some stumbling along the way, but after a while I was able to look back and see that I had travelled a little way away from the depths of despair and a little closer to the light of day.

I had treated myself like dirt for years, and as such I felt unclean, tarnished, less than. When I started to stop doing this, and started to allow others to help me, I started to feel better. Caring for myself as the person I aspire to be, I stand a better chance of being her. I guess what I am saying is you gotta walk the walk. Recovery is about action - not just talking about living in the real world, but doing it!

My message to She who is so unwell just now, is to get on with it. Grab a hold of all the help you have around you and work with them to nurture your life and bring you back into life. Escaping such a wretched existance is long overdue and if you want to move on, then do. You can. Please do.

keeping time 10:07 pm on Thursday, February 22 2007

Tomorrow will begin before the dawn. And so I know I must go to bed. (Ten hours return trip). Two groups of young people to work with. A good nights rest makes all the difference, between fighting to manage, and relishing the experience.

Give me a double dose of relish. Good night.

EMAIL - important info for schools 12:01 pm on Wednesday, February 21 2007

I sent a springback postcard to many of you recently. After having them printed I realised that whilst on the picture side details are correct, on the written side they give the wrong email address. I corrected them all - I thought - but am now finding out that a few slipped through the net

Please note, my email address is springback@homecall.co.uk

Human error. Apologies.

lent prescription 11:46 am on Wednesday, February 21 2007

If making a resolution and expecting to stick to it for as long as 40 days is a bit daunting, I suggest you dont. Just make it a resolution for today, and when you get to tomorrow, see if you can keep it up for another day.

Repeat as above, daily, for as many days as required.

Daily doses are easier to swallow.

turbulence 12:07 pm on Monday, February 19 2007

Im not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship

Louisa May Alcotts words are wise and there is a message in there - for all of us.

remember the rainbow 12:25 am on Saturday, February 17 2007

Some plans have fallen by the wayside. And I do feel sad about that, but then I remember the rainbows. And that far worse things happen at sea. And actually, it is nothing bad, it is just a shame. And plans can be put on hold, and happen in their own good time, and can change

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it pours. Sometimes just a short sharp shower arrives when you really didn't want it. But all of it has a purpose.

springs back 12:25 am on Saturday, February 17 2007

There was a definite feeling of a new season in the air today. It got cold later for sure, but during the day the air felt more fresh, more new, and there was more light in the sky.

I, and the snowdrops and crocuses and daffs in my garden, are hoping that the winter is coming to a close.

growing up 12:58 am on Wednesday, February 14 2007

Enjoy it - growing up - as best as you might. I have a jumping bean who is five years old and is beautiful, staying with me. She is gorgeous, cheeky and the busiest little person I have ever known.

She takes life as she sees it, she is straightforward and open, and I think we can all learn something from this.

Childhood is temporary. We grow up. But we can learn alot from children.

my fault, all my fault 11:05 pm on Monday, February 12 2007

Ooops.

Im so sorry, to the pedestrians who I drove past in Staplehurst-area today.

I didn't see the huge puddle in the road, and I apologise profusely for soaking you to the skin as I drove past.

A terrible thing to do, entirely unintentional as it was. It was like a comedy sketch, except that I doubt that said persons will have found it very funny. Oh dear.

being human 11:20 pm on Sunday, February 11 2007

When I blog, I share bits and bobs. Ups and downs. Most but not all. The point of my blogging is to be honest but not to be self-indulgent or pitiful. For the most part things are good - great! But as is life, sometimes there is pain.

I am human. And whilst I wish to give someone somewhere a smile or a jot of hope, however I do also acknowledge that wistful words don't always resound within earshot. Life happens. And can hurt at times. Sometimes it seems that the hurt goes on too long. But it doesnt - won't - last forever. Of that, I have proof.

Getting back to the here and now, I can say that I have had the most incredible and blessed and happy and special 2 days with Precious Friend. We did our walk in wellies. We did get lost. We did not care. It did not matter. We had a supreme time walking, talking, slipping and sliding, crossing stiles, streams, admiring the beauty that surrounds. We also visited the sea and said hello to crashing waves. And we did so much more, including curling up by the fire.

We did church this morning. I will save that story for another time. We went to Battle to potter and lunch, and as we drove home a rainbow appeared. It summed up the this weekend. Awesome. Tranquil. Beautiful. Even though the rain falls, even amongst bad weather, there can be colour there are always rays of hope,

its okay 12:26 am on Saturday, February 10 2007

Come what may, come what is, all is well. A fine day Spoke to more open-minded people did my best shared that which I have to share.

And am home. Collected precious friend in town and we survived the london night rush hour traffic by talking so much that it went (vaguely) unnoticed. Only prob (potentially) was that convo distracted me from the route. But I followed my nose and we got here in the end, safe and sound. A cosy evening by the fire. Food. Drink. Companionship. Whatever else may be going on and distorting the picture, actually all is well.

And tomorrow we don boots and hike through the beautiful surroundings that are here. Talking more I don't doubt, and also enjoying the peace, and reflecting.

Its okay

Sleep sound, reader

remedy 10:51 pm on Thursday, February 8 2007

I have been unwell for over a week and I am bored of it. Coughs sneezes - and all such delights that accompany these.

I have a friend, an absolute diamond of a friend, coming to stay this weekend. Which is just as well. Because, after all, laughter is the best medicine, is it not?

tonight 8:32 pm on Monday, February 5 2007

Did you watch Tonight tonight? Tonight with Trevor McDonald that is.

Brings it home. That Mum could potentially have been my Mum, or so many parents out there who are so destroyed by the illness of their child. Or it could be one of you, or me, reader.

When I think - as often I do - about the love I have for, and get from, all of my family and the people around me, that fact seems inconceivable and unreal. But the fact is, it is true. And it is also true that the parents, families, and friends, who suffer are many.

It is not vanity, it is not girlie, it is not weak, it is not a fad. Anorexia is an illness. It devastates lives, wrecks lives, and you know what, I have work to do - we all do. We need to work hard and we can make a difference.

together we can beat it 7:44 pm on Monday, February 5 2007

It is eating disorders awareness week. The eating disorders association have launched their new image and brand name, beat, and from what I have looked at so far, it is right on the mark. Eating disorders will be beaten. Not can be but will be. And they are right, I believe to make such a committed statement. It is only with utter commitment that the desired results become possible.

I want to be a part of this. I want to make a difference. I know I can, and in tiny ways I believe I sometimes do. I got an email today -

I did just want to say thank you for such a superb presentation the best one yetwhich is saying something. Very well done, the kids have been talking about it ever since and quite a number of your cards have disappeared into the bargain. Its amazing what an impact a topic such as this has on some of them, liberating them from the feeling that anxiety, at what ever level, is their own private curse.

Enough said. And I share this with you for one simple reason alone. It is to tell you that Springback has no interest in wasting your precious time. Quite the opposite, it strives to make a difference, to play a literal part in challenging the devastation that eating disorders lead to. In playing on the side of health happiness and fulfillment, and beating the opposition.

crystal ball 12:20 am on Saturday, February 3 2007

Hate to admit to it, but it is true that it is just as well I can't see into the future. Whenever I want to do that my motive is comfort and reassurance - I want to see what I want to see, and yet (confession!) what I want - or think I want at that moment in time - is not always ultimately the best thing.

So yes I admit it. It is better that I leave the future to unfold as it will. My job is to concentrate on the present.

choices (mark 3) 12:15 am on Saturday, February 3 2007

Sometimes choosing to go for the next right thing doesn't make for an easy path. Sometimes doing the next right thing is like wading through custard.

But that doesn't make it the wrong thing to do.

Be prepared to wade. Nothing is forever.

choices (mark 2) 12:01 am on Friday, February 2 2007

...On the other hand, I am having an incredible week so far. Okay, I feel a bit rubbish and deaf and full of poor-mes, but the rest of the story of what is going on is that it has been fantastic. I've been to Edinburgh and back. To Banbury and back. To 22.2 miles away and back. And the people I have been fortunate enough to speak to and speak with, have been a joy.

More (about choices, and other things)tomorrow, when finally I will be back home again.

Good night reader,

choices 11:56 pm on Thursday, February 1 2007

okay, so I spend a lot of time pointing out to people that they always have a choice. Not about the circumstance they find themselves in necessarily, but far more so in how they choose to respond.

My circumstances are that I have mega cold (flu..???!!!) that I choose to be cross about. I don't do colds. I don't like colds. But sometimes I want doesn't get.

Hey ho.