reminder of the way it was 00:54:40 on Saturday, November 28 2009

I know I talk a fair wee bit, from time to time, about my gratitude and how lucky I am to have the life I have. In some ways, whilst it is always sincere and true when I make reference to this, it is something I say because I know it is true but I feel separate from. I don't think many people really take on board that they are not immortal - for as long as we are alive we presume that we will keep on living.

Denial is at the heart of eating disorders and addictions. You simply don't see what you are doing, you simply don't feel what is going on, and even in recovery there is an element of detachment that protects you from the pain or guilt or fear of "what if"

I had a wonderful meeting this afternoon with a fellow therapist and a lovely young lady with whom I have much in common. The former of these people was not involved in my treatment 10 years ago, but she did however know of me, because of her links with the clinic I was being treated in, and the counsellors involved in my care. We were talking about the way that things were and the conversation turned towards the state that I was in when I was admitted into treatment that final time. "The belief was" she said, "that you were dying".

When she said it I accepted the statement. As I drove home I found myself reflecting on it more and realising how very very far away I was - and have been - from really feeling the truth of what was going on. I could see it intellectually, but detached myself from it emotionally.

I have had a stark reminder today, of just how far I have come, how lucky I am, and how devastating my illness was. She didn't even know me, but ten years on she knows that I was someone who was not expected to survive.

I don't just feel grateful. More than that, I feel very humbled. And blessed. Most of all, I am acutely aware of that feeling I have, of not simply surviving, but of being alive.

the cat is back 00:57:59 on Tuesday, November 24 2009

I've just been out in the darkness for the zillionth time, calling for her, and Aggie has finally re-appeared.

She's had a bowl of biscuits and mosied upstairs to claim her bit of duvet.

Welcome home kitty kat.

Phew,

Al quoting the newspaper quoting Al... 00:41:16 on Tuesday, November 24 2009

I had a call on thursday afternoon, from a National Newspaper. They were asking for me to comment on Kate Moss and her recent words regarding any mantra or motto she lives by. Her reply "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels".

Until that call I hadn't been aware of the interview in which she said this, and I was caught unawares. I wasn't impressed by what I heard and in reply I told the newspaper that it wasn't clever or intelligent to make such a remark. I said this because I do believe that we all have a responsibility to consider out statements and the impact they might have - and not least of all when these words might be displayed so publicly as the words of someone like Kate are bound to be. It's not a new expression and it's not the first time it's been said and as such I don't see the big deal - even though in recovery and reality and in the interests of wellness I totally disagree with it.

However, saying that, in some respects it could be said to be a perfectly acceptable claim. Kate has made her name, her fortune, and her success as a result of living by this motto, among others. She has risen to the top of her industry not least of all because of her looks and her figure. So in that sense she could be seen to be honest and correct to own the fact that this expression has helped her on her way.

The problem is that she is an icon to many - and those who are vulnerable are likely to grab a hold of her words and apply them to themselves - and in some cases take this to the extreme. But, to say that this "headline" is another nail in the coffin for many anorexics is, I believe, a step too far. The message was out there already, way before Kate spoke out - we have been fed messages about thinness equalling beauty and feeling good, for far too long.

Who you are and how you are is not defined by quotes from big names. What is important is how you feel and how you interpret/respond to these quotes. Every day we hear all sorts of opinions and claims in the press. This is just another one. And the fashion industry itself has far more of a need to look at it's attitude that Kate ever does. She has been taught, has learnt, has had it proven time and time again, that by being a certain shape she will succeed. That's not down to her, that's down to the world in which she works.

Anyway, to go back to the beginning, following my phone interview a piece was published on friday in which I was "quoted" - my words were edited. It was written "Alex Corkran, who founded Springback counselling services for sufferers, was horrified that Moss used a motto popular with anorexics. "Young people with anorexia will think if someone successful like Kate Moss can come out with a mantra like that then it must be ok. We must remember Kate's words reflect the twisted values of the fashion industry, where being stick thin is encouraged. The industry is also at fault and should be overhauled." "

So that is what they said I said. And in essence it it true. But in the grand scheme of things it's not the whole picture.

I was challenged - or rather I questioned what I had said when another remarked that Kate has every right to say what she thinks - and I don't disagree - she does have that right - absolutely. But when your words are bound to hit the headlines, it's worth choosing them carefully. And with mindfulness.

Be you. Be the best you that you can be, and be true to yourself. Be happy.

raining cats and dogs 00:03:44 on Tuesday, November 24 2009

First things first my heart goes out to those people who have been flooded or suffered devastation as a result of the recent extreme (by UK standards) weather. Just awful. And the loss of life is an unspeakable tragedy. My heart and my thoughts and my prayers go to the people who are grieving loss of one sort or another.

I started to get a little afraid this afternoon as I sat in my study and looked out and watched the downpour develop into an awesome and overwhelming mega-rainstorm. The garden was fighting hard to resist the impact of the water and the wind, and the cows and sheep in the fields beyond were disturbed and running aimlessly. Spring Cottage is bang in the middle of a "flood zone" which doesn't help. It was surreal and unsettling.

The good news is that all the flood barriers and gates around these parts seem to be in good working order - I am amazed that even the flood planes are not yet filling up - they remain as fields, not lakes. Here's hoping that home, and further afield - Cumbria in particular - don't endure too much more of this.

Billy was far from impressed. After a weekend away and lots of long lovely walks, he has had a day of rest - no dog walk. He's popped out for max 10 secs at a time today, and at one point he poked his nose through the dog flap and growled at the weather. The weather growled back. Aggie on the other hand, is awol at the moment, which worries me. Normally she sleeps on my bed at night. Normally she is miaowing for breakfast before I put the kettle on in the morning. Normally she is back from her days outdoor activity and asking for tea early in the evening. But we've had none of that today. I haven't seen her for over 24 hours and I am anxious. Not least of all because of the weather. I hope she will appear soon, I want her home, safe and warm.

If you also have a cat - or a dog - you might know how I feel right now. Not especially happy.

toll cottage 00:09:54 on Tuesday, November 17 2009

As promised I pitched up on saturday morning, with a bag of cleaning materials. I set to work on the bathroom, scrubbing grout and adhesive off the tiles until they sparkled. And then I moved into the little upstairs hallway and gave it a lick of paint.

Mid afternoon I jumped ship and headed off to do some of my own chores. A trip to Tunbridge Wells was on ths list - I needed to go to the tile shop and request quotes for some very very overdue work that is due to me from my home insurance company. Fingers crossed it will all fall in to place. We will see...

On saturday evening I spent some time back at Kelly's cottage, and tried to offer some support. She is overwhelmed with it all - and frankly, who wouldn't be? She has moved (bravely) into havoc. It is so much easier when you are on the outside, as I am in this case, to be cool about it - but when it is your own muddle and mess, it's frightening (been there, done that, got the t-shirt in Thyme Cottage)

On sunday I returned (do I ever go away!?) and painted the sitting room. And then, because the sun was still shining and because I have a mutt who needs me as much as I need him, I departed and Billy and I hit the muddy fields and walked and played ball and had a good time.

Toll Cottage is going to be oh so beautiful. And hand on heart I think and truly believe that a sweet, charming home is just what my treasured friend needs. A tonic and a delight. She'll get there. We'll be there for her, every step of the way.

Which is good. I am not in the "sorry I've got to let you down - again" mode that sorrow, self-pity or destruction has taken me to in the past. I do let people down from time to time, obviously, life is like that, but hopefully it is only ever for good and valid reason. What a relief to be less taken up in my own stuff -and understanding on those ocassions when I am.

the "P" word 01:38:11 on Saturday, November 14 2009

I have continued to cover Pilates classes and Power Stretch classes at the gym. I start to wonder why I am paying a huge amount for gym memberships when for the most part at present, when I go I am attending to teach not participate......... but that's another story.

The good news is that it has all been going well and my fear and worry are lessening, when I get on with it, it's actually all good fun - and I am growing in confidence and it looks like the feedback is positive....

...I've been asked to start up two NEW Pilates classes in the New Year. Monday lunchtime Beginners Pilates. Tuesday early evening Regular Pilates.

Every week.

So I can't be that bad.

Excellent.

home sweet home 01:13:34 on Saturday, November 14 2009

Spring Cottage is my little piece of treasure and I love it. There are all sorts of things I would love to do, to add to or alter or enhance the beauty I already have here. When I first set eyes on it I mentally moved in, and then it happened for real. Piece by piece it has become mine more and more since the day I first put my foot through the door as owner of this little cottage.

Being more than 300 years old, being wooden, being what it is, spring cottage is by no means "perfect" in the conventional sense. There are draughty corners, wonky floors, cobwebbed beams, chipped tiles, rickety furnishings, and a boiler that is on an obvious mission to drive me crazy! But it is home. It is a home full of character, personality, and a home with a big heart and much beauty - in so many ways it is beyond what I could have dreamed of in years gone by. I sit here now, by the fireside, with the embers glowing, candles burning, and I am safe and warm and contented. Billy has curled up in his bed close to me, Aggie is out in the stormy weather but will be in soon I am sure, to curl up on my bed upstairs.

Since I moved to this village I have met many fabulous people and made many fantastic new friends. One such gorgeous girl, who has lived here for some years, is about to move into her own piece of treasure. A few doors down from me! Her cottage was condemned when she bought it a few weeks ago, and since that time it has been gutted and is gradually being put back together, little by little. I've been a frequent viewer, popping down to see how it's all been going. It's quaint and full of promise - I think of it as "the dolls house" - it's cute.

I took Billy out for a blustery stomp this afternoon, and we meandered via the dolls house, Toll Cottage. I peered through the windows and all I could see was chaos. Not a home, more a building site. Not moveable in to. I made a couple of phone calls, got a hold of a key and went back down, along with a bag full of cleaning materials, vacuum cleaner etc.

I wasn't able to do as much as I would have liked - I got there after sunset and there are not many lights wired in as yet! After spending a few minutes wiping surfaces in a dark kitchen I went upstairs and attacked the bathroom and hall and a window. I know that much of what I did will need to be done all over again as whilst the bathroom is sort-of complete, one wall needs replastering and it will cover the room in a new layer or dust and filth.

But that's not the point. Beneath the chaos, dirt, and mess, is a home in which I hope my dear friend - in time - will be as cosy and safe as I am in spring cottage. It's going to take some time - but she - we will get her there. I'll be there in the morning - moving day - demanding a task to tackle - be that wielding a paintbrush, a bottle of bleach, a vacuum cleaner, or whatever. It's the least that I can do. Based on my own experience (of gutting the home before this one - the not forgotten and dear Thyme Cottage) I know that with some hard graft and t.l.c. a house becomes a home. Which is no less than this gorgeous girl who is a buddy of mine deserves.

phew 23:42:04 on Monday, November 2 2009

I've had one of those weekends of little moments where with no drama, no big news, some little important things have happened or been acheived, and the massive relief I feel as a result is - well - massive. I feel different. Happier. Relieved.

On a practical note I have been so worried for so long, about sorting out a mammoth admin task - and finally I procrastinated no more and dedicated thursday and friday (and a couple of very late nights) to putting together vital spread sheets, number crunching, and basically doing what I needed to do. It has been bugging me for so long - to the point of getting me down - but there has always been (or I have always found with ease) something else to get in the way of getting it done. But now it is done. Phew. No, that's not fair. What I mean is

PHEW

A couple of other things happened that made a difference to my little world also. And there I was tempted to put off going out on friday night, but I didn't and I had a great night, with lovely friends, and because I won't be specific let's just say that it feels like finally, after a long long time, something is getting better.

So it's been raining most of the weekend, and the days are short and there is much to do, and life is full of twists and turns, and the recession is biting lots of us. But we will, together, be okay.

We will!

facebook 23:20:54 on Monday, November 2 2009

Without delving into a deep debate about the pro's and con's and the potential pitfalls and problems that can be enountered by some, for myself I am a fan of facebook.

Okay, I hate that it's so addictive.

But I love the banter - the random fits of giggles that I find myself bursting into when I drop by and I read a post or see some pictures that show friends and loved ones having a lark - in a home-study situation where the office banter is restricted to talking to silly Billy, or Miss Aggie miaow, a bit of virtual-connection to buddies is a light relief from the world of springback hard graft.

I do (sometimes) waste time on it though.

But one of the greatest things, is being able to keep in touch with loved ones who are far away, touch base with them, and glimpse into their worlds even if I never get to travel to see them there.

Exercise integrity and some common sense and it's not half good.

And perhaps the best thing has been reconnecting with people from days gone by. Last night I was chatting to a great friend from N Ireland - it's well over 20 years since we last met and up until this year we haven't been in touch since. I was still laughing as I went to bed, after a crazy chatter about our competitive attitudes, aged 7. Sis and I went to stay with the family for a week and Pete and I spent most of the week trying to beat one another with running races. I was determined to win. The trouble is, so was he...

I've seen school friends for whom it was both their and my own circumstances - and anorexia - that inevitably led to our lives diverging off in different directions 15 years ago... whilst I stayed in touch with many friends through those bitter years that followed, it was not the case for all. When 'Nine came down to the cottage a few weeks ago, a beautiful sparkling married lady, it was just incredible to see her - and all the reasons that caused us to forge a friendship all those years ago came flooding back - she was exactly the person I had known back then, only better than the memories - in the passage of time I realise I had lost sight of just what a treasure she is.

And status updates - not always, but often, I give myself a status update - it's kind of nice to be able to put out there a line or two just to connect and say "hey, this is where I'm at..." (the added bonus being some of the reactions!)

So, when I eventually sort myself out and upgrade my old mobi for a blackberry, the question is, do I join Twitter too....?

prohibited 22:56:34 on Monday, November 2 2009

I was going to give you a pilates update, but I realise that I've done rather alot of that lately... So, for one night only, the P word is prohibited!