puppy dog tales, ch. twelve 11:20 pm on Thursday, November 29 2007

Foodie

He loves his food. And he loves to eat. As you may already be aware.

Socks, tried, tested, and still trying (very trying)

Eyeshadow.

Train tickets. Any tickets.

Tissues, tissues, and more atchisoos.

Post. Oh, I've told you about the post.

Cushions (only the best ones, naturally)

Was my house puppy-proofed as I headed out this morning? I thought so, but clearly not so. He found my ipod charger, and ate that.

Ba humbug,

chippie 11:13 pm on Thursday, November 29 2007

Cottage smells a bit like a chip shop tonight, but I don't care!

I came home from a great, but exhausting, day and I craved protein. No slices of ham etc in the fridge, so I roasted nuts and seeds in olive oil, and the taste was good and the need was met and the appetite was satisfied and I got what my body asked for.

Which is nice. And right. And fair and good.

Even if cooked oil smells horrible!

hands 11:09 pm on Thursday, November 29 2007

I always offer the audience the opportunity to ask questions. Any questions.

Some I receive relate to the talk that I give. Some - inevitably - do not, necessarily.

I was asked today why my hands were so red. I answered.

Reynauds.

Its a bother and a literal pain. I wish I didn't have it but it is not the end of the world, and it is far and away better than having a symptom of something that I am secret about and ashamed of.

Recovery is about honesty. And acceptance. And responsibility. And dealing with a situation, however and whenever it presents itself.

Which is what I do, as best as I can.

(Sore hands? Feet are a whole lot worse. I guarantee we have some cold weather now, and imminent, my internal forecast tells me that. Ouch)

puppy dog tales, ch. eleventy twelve 9:15 pm on Tuesday, November 27 2007

okay, chapter eleven I know, I just like that number.

Bed.

Billy got bought a bed. He looked at it in disgust and sorrow as he looked longingly at the sofa, his throne. But it hasn't taken long, and now he curls up in a ball in his bed and dopey eyes look at me as if to say -

Whyd it take you so long to buy me my own bed?

planning ahead 12:42 am on Tuesday, November 27 2007

My head has wandered off into the future and is thinking about 2008. New Year Resolutions. Good intentions. Ways forward.

More sleep.

More fresh air.

More time management.

And living. Lots and lots of life.

telling it straight 12:32 am on Tuesday, November 27 2007

for the words

http://www.coleggwent.ac.uk/news/detail.php?Pid=2042

for the picture

http://www.coleggwent.ac.uk/enlargeImage.php?Iid=913

thinking 10:42 pm on Tuesday, November 27 2007

Ive been doing a lot of thinking.

I havent reached any point of conclusion, and I suspect that the more that I think, I still wont. Thinking is good. But taking the next step and sharing those thoughts with another, is even better.

Which is something I need to give some serious consideration (thinking) to.

housework 10:39 pm on Tuesday, November 27 2007

I had an early bath this evening and then got stuck into all sorts of exciting things like tidying, washing, and housework. The music has played and my mind has been busy thinking about all sorts.

I could well have been sitting here catching up in some way, on emails and admin. But just because I work from home, shouldnt mean I overstep boundaries of sanity and put work in front of everything. Springback is crucial to me, it is my creation, my present ambition, and my very full time commitment. But it is not everything - it is a part of the tapestry. Other threads weave through too. Not least of all my family, my friends, and my home. And my home has been granted some of my time tonight.

pah 12:37 am on Monday, November 26 2007

The admin is piling up and there is such a lot to do. Its been really busy. I get more done when I am busy though - as it the way with many, I know. But at the moment it feels like the more I do, the more there is to do. And if I don't do it, who will?

Self-employment love it, but sometimes pah! it all becomes a bit much, in terms of keeping up with everything.

So what is the solution? Just to keep on going, prioritise, do my best, and accept that there isn't always a solution, but there is usually an acceptable compromise.

the hills were alive 12:29 am on Monday, November 26 2007

with the sound of winter silence. We went out not long before sunset this afternoon and Billy did his usual billy-bouncing with billy-gusto and billy-brilliance. We went up, above the old Mill, into the woods and through some new fields (new to us, anyway). It was glorious. It helped to clear some of the cobwebs out of my head, it gave me some energy and used up some of Billys.

It still takes my breath away (and long may it continue to) that I live in such beautiful surroundings; that within seconds of leaving the cottage, I find myself in a quite awesome landscape, and I can go there every single day if I want to.

And the look on his face tells me that Billy loves it too.

perception 1:08 am on Monday, November 26 2007

As I complained about the photo, she made a good point. I know it, I tell it, I believe it, but sometimes it is no bad thing to have it reinforced by another.

It isn't all about what you see on the outside. It is about what lies within.

beauty 11:44 pm on Thursday, November 22 2007

Its not only in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes the beholder doesn't see people, images or actions, the way they really are.

Sometimes the beholder only looks skin deep. Beauty, real beauty, goes far deeper.

Which, in our image-obsessed day and age, can be extraordinarily hard to take on board, and believe.

feelings feelings feelings 10:27 pm on Wednesday, November 21 2007

I am feeling all sorts!

I am feeling tired, very tired.

I am feeling cross as the naughty pup has been very naughty and I have given him a piece of my mind.

I am feeling a mixture of compassion and sadness and some sort of melancholy as I have been talking in some depth about things that occurred so many years ago in my life.

The compassion threw me the most - recalling that young girl who was struggling, who was lost, who was believed in by so many others and yet not by herself. That person was me.

The sadness was for the waste of life that ensued.

The melancholy - reflecting on the past can lead to this.

But I am not on my pity pot, reader, I promise you! I am simply acknowledging to myself and to you, that this is how I feel, and I accept this, and I will sleep on it, and I will endeavour to train the naughty dog and I will allow myself forgiveness for the past and the space to sleep and dream and enjoy and live in the here and now.

After all, the past is gone, the present is all that we have, and however we live it, it will shape our future.

puppy dog tales, ch. ten 11:02 pm on Tuesday, November 20 2007

Hes got a new bed.

It is cosy and warm, with fleece lining, and its just his size and perfect, and he is lucky to have been bought something so lovely.

Does he appreciate it and curl up in it and thank me for it?

Hell no.

(I will not be defeated, Billy will be persuaded. He, with his muddy paws, will eventually be less devoted to curling up on My sofa or My bed. I hope.)

self-employed 10:54 pm on Tuesday, November 20 2007

There are many plus points.

The absence of a glass ceiling for a start (or, should it barge in, the freedom to seek ways of getting through it and not be stifled or supressed)

The flexibility.

The absence of the B-word (Boss)

And plenty more.

But is isn't easy.

The financial insecurity is huge! The difficulty of separating work-time from non-work time and switching off isn't simple.

And, as I have become all too well aware of late, whilst things have been very busy and I have been very under the weather with colds and coughs and the accompanying aches and pains, taking a sick day when you work for yourself, can be nigh on impossible.

safety 1:45 am on Monday, November 19 2007

There is an unwelcome visitor lurking around these parts. Appearing in all his glory in front of people (women) out walking. Billy and I will be careful. We really don't want to meet him.

No walks in the dark. No walks in the shadows. No walks anywhere other than where we will be very much out in the open, where other people - and dogs - will be.

puppy dog tales, ch. nine 10:34 am on Saturday, November 17 2007

Expensive taste.

Oh Billy.

Home alone when the post came through the letter box, he decided to deal with it on my behalf. When I returned I was greeted with the sight of all the mail - including a large cheque I have been owed, scattered in a hundred little pieces, across the terrace outside.

Why does my puppy like to demolish - and eat - anything and everything he can get his mouth around?

Cushions and clothes. Sticks and stones. Shoes. Socks.

And cheques.

atchoo 1:02 pm on Tuesday, November 13 2007

The good news is that I woke up, at four o'clock this morning, and got my train on time, and I'm here now, somewhere up north.

The bad news was that I woke with a throat that feels raw and sore, and a cough that is irritating me, let alone anyone else around me.

The good news is that the train journey was smooth and easy and I got some work done as I travelled.

The bad news is that I just want to fall asleep.

The good news is that I am about to speak (throat permitting) to two more groups of young people and give them an opportunitty to gain some insight and to ask any questions that they might have, and maybe offer hope where hope is lacking, or help where it otherwise can't be found.

And that is really very good news.

For now, please scuse me whilst I sneeze.

early start 10:13 pm on Monday, November 12 2007

I am am a self-confessed creature of habit, but I can be flexible too.

I am a night owl oftentimes, but am more than capable of early starts, and for me they are not infrequent.

However, rising before dawn, at 4.00 am tomorrow, is filling me with a sense of dread.

Best I get some sleep. Now. Good night.

photograph 9:38 pm on Sunday, November 11 2007

Ive been looking at a photo of Ma just now. I see it every day, it is in a frame in the cottage. But I have just been really looking at it - taken when she was at least ten years younger than I am now. It captures immense beauty and warmth and I love it.

It sums up my Mum, both then and now, perfectly.

day off 1:15 am on Sunday, November 11 2007

I have done a little work today. Not alot, but a bit.

Tomorrow I will endeavour to do none. There is much to do and it is piling up, but just for a day, it is going to have to wait.

If I awake with the wish to do so, I will show face for Remembrance. Thereafter, home needs my care and attention and that is where I want to be.

The garden is looking sad and neglected, it needs clearing and cutting and sorting. The cottage is so-so but could do with some sorting out - the washing pile is staring at me and refusing to go away.

Clean house, clear head, calm mind. And another dog walk - thatd be nice.

throwing stones 12:33 am on Saturday, November 10 2007

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

I have no idea what has made me think back to this expression that was thrown around from time to time when I was a child. I havent heard it being used out loud for a long time - years - and I hope to goodness that perhaps it might have been long since been expelled from the playground, from conversation, and from our collection of cliches.

It is utter nonsense. Words, names, tags and labels, can potentially cause hurt that we cannot even begin to measure.

puppy dog tales, ch. eight 1:20 am on Saturday, November 10 2007

Home.

Billy has been away, again, for a couple of days, being cared for and fussed over by his surrogate grandparents (a.k.a. my mum and dad)

Exhausted, I collected him this evening, and was greeted with Billys usual bounce, and immense affection. He is the perfect tonic, he curled up on the passenger seat as I drove us home, finally, to the cottage, and tonight he has been Billy bob bob bob, bobbing about as only Billy does.

It is good to be home. With Billy. Even Aggie is not complaining too much. She is used to the way things are now, and tolerates muttley. With my two four legged furry friends - one under the bed and one on the bed, I am ready to fall fast asleep.

better 1:06 am on Saturday, November 10 2007

Tom Baxters single is beautiful. I love it. I love the melodies and I love the words. It is touching, and warms my soul.

It does what it says on the tin in a way that perhaps, for some of us, only music can. It makes things better.

yawn 8:53 pm on Thursday, November 8 2007

Do you want me to tell you how tired I am?

I am not sure I can.

I am very very tired.

Today has been good, but a part of me felt as if my head was somewhere away from where the rest of me was. I am tired. My head hurts.

I need sleep. I need some time. I will give myself both, very soon, as a human being the same as all other human beings - we all are important and valuable - I deserve to give myself these things.

So bear with me if I take a little bit of time out.

good bye 8:56 pm on Wednesday, November 7 2007

The life that I have is all that I have and the life that I have is yours.

The love that I have of the life that I have is yours is yours is yours.

A sleep I shall have, a rest I shall have, yet death shall be but a pause.

For the peace of the years in the long green grass, will be yours and yours and yours.

The courage of a young grandson to read this precious piece, at a funeral where the church was overflowing with those of us who have loved and lost, humbles me.

The words, and their meaning, touch my heart, my soul and my spirit. Peter, we love you and we will always miss you. We are blessed, so blessed, that we ever knew you.

puppy dog tales, ch. seven 11:18 pm on Tuesday, November 6 2007

Billy has been to school - proper school - for the last two days. As I headed off on my travels I delivered him to class, with his aunt, my Sis the teacher, in charge.

When I arrived to pick him up from school this afternoon I peered through the door to see him lying on his back, legs akimbo, tummy exposed, relishing the attention that he was getting from a class full of 7-ish year olds.

Far too busy enjoying the attention, to have missed me one iota. Little flirt.

I also found out that he has chewed his way through another lead (leash?). He is now onto his third lead in the four months he has worn one.

He needs a lesson in stopping chewing.

tomorrow 11:07 pm on Tuesday, November 6 2007

A day when we will come together and be united in grief. I can't say I am looking forward to it, I am not. Loss of life is perhaps - or for sure - the greatest loss of all. I know that we will all try to remember the good times and the life that was lived so richly and so courageously and so generously and so lovingly. But the loss is fresh and raw and intense, and for many who will be there, tomorrow will be far too soon to look back with joy, tomorrow will be a day when with sadness we say our own intensely personal good-byes.

We were all blessed with the priviledge of having known him. He was, and always will live on in our memories as, a man who brought so much into so many other peoples lives, and all he ever brought was goodness and beauty. He will rest in peace, and in time those left behind, I hope, will find peace also.

wales 10:57 pm on Tuesday, November 6 2007

Wales was beautiful in the winter sunshine today. Even the motorways were friendly towards me, and weary but safe I made my way back home. 500 miles in 24 hours has left me tired, and a sore throat and aching head have left me jaded.

All the same, the people I met, the blue skies above me, the conversations I had, the job that I did, and the joy of walking back in through my own front door, are cause enough to be thankful.

today 10:42 pm on Sunday, November 4 2007

Things are fine. Good. I am hectic and busy and there seems very little space for me. But there will be that space that I need, in due course, I just need to keep on going to get there to get it.

Meantime, I will keep on facing forward and look forward to the hope that tomorrow might bring.

And I will endeavour to get enough hours of sleep tonight.

wedding 10:33 pm on Sunday, November 4 2007

It was beautiful. The ultimate celebration of life. Congratulations, and happy honeymoon and thereafter, to two cherished friends.

What got me the most, was when Her grandparents got on to the dance floor. It is their diamond wedding anniversary and as such they were honoured with a dance just for them. They danced on air, these two people of a grand old age, they danced just as I can only imagine they danced when they were fifty years younger. Delicate, swift, united. The love was evident, in its most unspoken, gentle, and yet determined and definite way, that only the closeness of True Love gives.

My smile went from ear to ear. And tears poured from both eyes, and mascara ran, and it was deeply touching and utterly memorable.

Beautiful.

tomorrow the bells will ring! 11:13 pm on Friday, November 2 2007

For tomorrow, Lisa and Stuart will get married.

It is always a dream come true, to watch cherished friends embark on a new chapter of life, that is inspired and generated by Love.

I wish them a life time of joy. And tomorrow I will be there, rejoicing.

Weddings always make me cry. I know that well enough now. And after the tears, there will be much celebration, and perhaps a few more happy tears, and music and laughter, and speeches and dancing. It will be beautiful.

identification 11:07 pm on Friday, November 2 2007

I approached her, it was clear to see that something had been stirred up inside of her.

I just saw so much of me in you she said.

Thats okay I replied, smiling.

She does not need to be afraid of spiralling into the same chasm that I fell in to. Not if she is in touch with what is going on and doesn't want to go there. If she identifies with me, that is a fabulous starting point for getting some support in place and moving onwards and upwards.

And as I smiled, I said, if you identify with me, then in time, you can have the gorgeous, crazy, straightforward, blessed life that I have today. It gets complicated, exhausting, frustrating, and tough sometimes. But it is rich, beautiful and real.

If we keep ourselves on a level playing field, we can thrive as we work as a functional, supportive team.

puppy dog tales, ch. six 1:27 am on Friday, November 2 2007

Mischief.

I may have been out all day but I didn't literally desert the dog. I left him all fed and watered and arranged for Gwen to pop in and out and perhaps take him for a walk and have a chat with him, and serve up his lunch and supper, and the dog flap allowed him his usual freedom to come and go into the garden, his playground.

Nonetheless Billy was a naughty pup, clearly stating his objections to me going off to work and leaving him behind. I got home to the sound of his woofing, and as I stepped through the door it was on to a door mat that was torn to bits. Added to this, he had endeavoured to tunnel his way out of the house, and got as far as to shred the fitted seagrass flooring by the front door. And when he got bored of that, he turned his attention to my favourite cushion, chewing holes in it and pulling out the stuffing.

We are not amused.

night post 1:19 am on Friday, November 2 2007

Yes, I know, its another late night blog-a-log. I'm up, but not for too much longer. It has been a long day, but completed now, all done.

Wales for the day - or rather, the railways tracks for the most part of the day, and Wales for a couple of hours. There was an awful lot of welsh being spoken in wales (funnily enough) - I hadn't noticed that on previous visits.

900 ish miles have been covered in the last four days, just a couple of hundred more to go between now and The Wedding. Another of my best friends weddings and its going to be great. But I do need to get some beauty sleep between now and then. At least a night and a halfs worth.

Good night reader,