progress 12:13 am on Tuesday, November 28 2006

and no matter how small or insignificant each footstep has been, on relection, I've travelled a fair few miles. Good ones. The toughness has not destroyed me, it has taught me. Slowly slowly, I have gained a piece or two of wisdom, and have travelled far.

The journey continues, the lessons keep coming, and the picture gets ever more detail painted into it.

pastures new 11:46 pm on Monday, November 27 2006

Home sweet home. And it is sweet. And it has been a happy home. 3 years 5 days, and its time to bid farewell. Or au revoir.

There have been ups and downs.

Why did I buy these four walls? They were crumbling - literally! But so worth it, with time and love and tender care, a wreck evolved into something far better, and came to life. And I have lived happily and gratefully in a safe haven that has literally come alive and been delighted in.

In 24 hrs it will be gone. Or at least I will be. Gone from one place, on to another. Onwards and upwards. New phase, new chapter, another footstep forwards.

dreams 12:57 am on Wednesday, November 22 2006

They can come true. So many have. So why do I still have a big but sitting in the way of peacefulness. It isn't always there, but often it is and I need to keep working on it. Not always a bad thing, it keeps me on my toes too.

Life is what life is. What will be will be. Dream about tomorrow, but live in today. And, Al, don't just say it, do it. You - I - we - all - deserve that priviledge.

butterflies 12:51 am on Wednesday, November 22 2006

Butterflies a-flutter. They have been doing so for quite some time, I hadn't realised that opting for a butterfly (symbol of hope, freedom, the future) would be quite so apt when I thought of it for springback. But it resonates a good message in my professional life and also in my personal life.

Fluttering inside of me after weeks of angst, are butterflies of excitement. Santa is bringing me an early treat this year (with a big little help from C&Gs mortgage man and the money box). I am so excited about my move to the wooden cottage. Scared too, but primarily full of smiles. In a week I will almost be there. And I expect that as such in a week I will be even more wide awake and excited than I am right now.

New beginnings and all that

to-dos 12:44 am on Wednesday, November 22 2006

Hello reader

If you happen to be one of the many several to whom I owe correspondence, forgive me, bear with me, you are all top of my list, you are important, and as soon as I can I will write.

Its been hectic and post-pc-traumas and mid-term-time and mid-house-move and pre-christmas and midst-of-life-in-general I have gotten way behind. But I am here and I will be back and I hope you will understand.

I hope you are well and I think of you all so much,

sounds 1:16 am on Wednesday, November 22 2006

I bought a cd today. Yes I know my budget is tight self-employed single moving house but a girl needs her music.

It was something very different to my usual choice of vaguely current chart-ish, and typical, and alternative, options. It is in the charts, having said that! Angelis. It is very beautiful and the voices echo with an exquisite clarity and pureness. I've trained mum to appreciate lots of my music, at a certain reduced volume, but this one I think she would enjoy played full blast.

I think its gorgeous.

people 1:56 am on Saturday, November 18 2006

So many fabulous people. Many I have known for a long time. Many who are more recent. Many also that I have yet to meet. As well as the wonders that I do see, there are more still to follow.

No harm in reminding myself about that. If it rings a bell with you, take note, eh.

letting go 1:48 am on Saturday, November 18 2006

Could do better. Could (maybe?) have done more. I did my best. And the latter of these is the one that matters. Today was a good day, a really really good one.

Im left with thoughts, feelings, and ideas floating around my head - not a bad thing, as I suppose that suggests my mind is open and in reasonably healthy shape. For as long as I have a sense of creativity and a desire to indulge it, I will grow, and I will enjoy being alive. In the face of challenge and in the face of doubt, a creative and open mind serves as inspiration and incentive. Reality keeps me going, and happy. So too, do my dreams. The trick is simply in keeping a balance, and I do my best with that. No one said it was easy, but thats okay I'm not perfect, and I don't want to be, as today I strive simply to be real. To be me.

in this day 1:54 pm on Wednesday, November 15 2006

I feel like I have lost my right arm. I havent. I have just lost my laptop Yesterday it kicked the bucket (big thanks to friend that I have been able to pop round to hers and check email and post this entry)
New laptop is on its way. In meantime - a couple of days I expect - I will not be able to pick up email or go online.
Few years ago ago I never accessed the internet, and the concept of a mobile phone was (to me) a pretty awesome technological miracle. It hasn't taken long to to get physically - and emotionally? - attached to both.
(You don't know what you've got til its gone)

faith 12:49 am on Monday, November 13 2006

It all begins with having faith. It makes the difference. If you have a dream, a vision, an ambition, first of all have faith, believe in it. Believe in yourself, and in others. Then anything is possible. Next, go for it. And in time, what began as just a dream, can become a reality.

Try it. Believe it. Do it (if you want to). The results are usually surprising. I have many experiences that are testament to that. Which makes my dreams for the future somewhat exciting and joyous, and if I let them, they can help me to overcome all fear.

funeral 12:44 am on Monday, November 13 2006

Devastating, painful, tragic, and sad.

But to be in a place that was so full of love and support and amongst people who shared a common grief was a priviledge too. I am excruciatingly conscious of my own powerlessness in the circumstances, but still I can do what I can do - be there, be patient, be available in friendship, in thought and word and deed.

If any of us could fix things we would. But there is no fix, there is just acceptance, healing, and allowing these to emerge in whatever time they take. Grief does not follow a set pattern. I worry desperately about the people I care for - who are left behind with the loss - and how and if and when their healing process will begin - all I can, and will do, is love them and hang out within reach.

I don't want to intrude. Its a balance, and there is no right or wrong way, there is just doing the best I can, a day at a time.

Al.

home 1:04 am on Monday, November 13 2006

Have you noticed how restrained I have been over recent weeks, in talking about my imminent house-move? I have spared the blog from being taken over with house dramas, crises, panics, and sleepless nights. And yes I have had all of those of late. But, I hope, it is all coming back together again, and end of Nov I should be on the move, to the cottage I dream of, and stubbornly refuse to let go of.

I was down in the area this weekend (oh what a glorious weekend, a precious one, with Dearest Folk, for which my gratitude is sky high and a smile is engraved on my heart) and wow it is so beautiful. I am going to be surrounded by gorgeousness. There are vast landscapes of beauty in this country and with open eyes, anyone can see them and enjoy them. I am exhilarated and excited to move and looking upon it as something of a fresh new chapter.

It is high time and the perfect time, to buy some wellie boots, so I can stomp through the hills, across the fields, around the lakes, along the pebbled beaches. I'll have to get a dog, in due course, to take me for walks.

looks 11:34 pm on Thursday, November 9 2006

I spoke to a beautiful group of teenagers today.

Why do I class them as beautiful? Because they sat with open minds and open hearts and they were open to listen to something new. They were not stuck in their own heads. They spared precious time to take a look at their surroundings.

Constantly I am touched by the sincerity and goodness in the next generation. We hear all sorts about the bad sorts. But there are plenty of gooduns out there, and they deserve recognition too.

tomorrow 11:24 pm on Thursday, November 9 2006

It will be painful, it will be sad. I cannot begin to imagine how the family must be feeling or how they will be feel through tomorrow, and the coming weeks. As a friend, I feel great sadness, and heartache. As my dear friend, his daughter, walks into that church to say goodbye to him, I will do nothing else other than pray that she can take comfort in knowing that although he is gone he will never leave her side, he will always be a part of her life.

I will be there. I am there for them through thick and thin, just as they have always been for me. So I can't make it better, but I can be there, for what its worth.

Al.

time 11:23 pm on Thursday, November 9 2006

Since the clocks changed, blog entries have been an hour outta date. I think I have corrected this (just) now, and moved the clock from summer time to winter time. But I am not a tech whizz, barely an amateur even, so I'll post this and see if the entry gives the real time

bereavement 2:33 am on Sunday, November 5 2006

Her grief will be intense, beyond words. Her sadness - unimaginable.

I can't ease that, I know I cant. But she is a friend, and I care for her deeply. I long to help. The best that I can do is love her, to let her know that, and remind her I am here, how so ever I can, and will, be.

I am drawn to the words of the Serenity Prayer. Serenity to accept the things we cannot change Courage to change the things we can, and Wisdom, to know the difference.

And I turn to Trust. Trust that a moment at a time, the next right thing will happen.

But its hard, all the same. So hard.

yesterday 5:46 pm on Wednesday, November 1 2006

Something I often get asked is if I could turn back the clock what would I do differently. There are no guarantees that even if it was possible to do so, using todays insight to alter the past would necessarily have led to a better result. Yes, things got as bad as they could and it was ugly and costly. Then change happened, within me and for me and around me, and today I have life - My Life - and I have happiness.

So if I could change things, would I? I don't know. Despite the regret, and despite the damage, ultimately I am alive. I can't live in the past. That is a slippery slope to self-pity. For me, the important question is not How would you change the past? for the past is gone. For me, the important question is, How might you change today? Along with other things, I can use lessons from the past to help me create a better present.

Today is special and unique. It deserves undivided attention.