the rainbow effect 18:34:29 on Friday, October 31 2008

Could not have timed it more badly, I muttered to myself as I set off for a Billy walk late this afternoon, and the heavens opened and a light shower quickly developed into a downpour of freezing wet rain.

Within five minutes I had gone from muttering to marvelling as I caught a site of quite the most extraordinary and perfect rainbow above me.

Billy was lost in his own world, charging through long grass and mud baths, and I stood there and looked up and lost in the moment, I smiled.

The sunlight was fading and the rainbow was gone within moments - I've filed the image away within, to return to with my minds eye, another time. To the East the sky was blue, and grey, and black, to the West by stark contrast the sky was purple, pink and blazing orange. The effect of the light on the hills was dramatic. I picked up the pace and caught up with one very soggy creature and we did a quick walk around the field and back home. As we tumbled in through the door, cold and dripping and bedraggled, I nonetheless felt lighter and brighter than I had all day.

Sometimes you get a gift when you very least expect it... like in the middle of a deserted muddy field.

anger... 00:38:33 on Friday, October 31 2008

... is usually fear, in disguise.

That's all.

hospital bed 00:35:41 on Friday, October 31 2008

My little buddy is in the hospital tonight, way up north, watching over a relative who she loves so much, afraid that the time is drawing near to say good bye.

It's an agonising waiting game. It could go either way. I wish I could make it better but I can't. I wish I could be there, but I can't. What will be will be - it's cliche to say and little comfort in a time of hurt and sadness, but there are some things in life - and loss - that we are powerless over, and the best we can do is let go, let be.

I am guilty of disputing it with "but" and "if only" often enough, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and there is a plan. Acceptance doesn't take away pain, but in time it can help to ease it.

And in the meantime, we can draw on the strength of the people around us, who are there to support us. Friendship heals, and provides a beam of light amidst the darkness of sorrow.

a dreadful time 00:15:33 on Friday, October 31 2008

She's had a dreadful time. Tempers have been flying - as have plates, and glasses.

And you know what? I think she is doing brilliantly. If she wasn't getting angry and behaving so badly I would be far more concerned. She is working - as are her family - remarkably hard on her recovery.

And yes, they are having a dreadful, terrible time of it. And no, it can't go on this way.

The beginnings of recovery are often speckled with mess and chaos and are utterly shrouded in frustration and confusion. After running away, for such a long time, from fear and feelings, they come tumbling in and can completely overtake and overwhelm, when the running stops.

The trick - one of them anyway, is not to start running again. See it through. Keep talking, keep working, keep going. It gets better... and in recovery, along with the ups and downs that life throws at us, dreams can - and do - come true.

something stupid 22:53:50 on Saturday, October 25 2008

I have used that word too freely, for all of my life. Stupid is a harsh and unkind critisism oftentimes when it is used, and it should not (in my opinion) be such an acceptable and frequent description.

I have often told myself - or others - that I have been stupid. I am not, I know I am not, and I mustn't claim I am. I am better than that. You are too. We are all full of value, worth, and goodness.

Saying that, and reminding myself that I myself am not stupid, I did do something that was very very stupid this week - and deservedly so I was pulled up on it.

For my entire life I have had a huge and overwhelming fear of getting in to trouble, and yet that fear has not stopped me from taking risks, making informed mistakes, getting it wrong. As a child I was no goodie-two-shoes, far from it, but every time I was cheeky, naughty or wrong, when I was caught and rebuked, I wanted the ground to swallow me up and let me disappear.

I simply can not find the words to descibe how I have felt - and still feel - when I get it wrong! It is all a learning curve though, and getting it wrong is not stupid - but failing to learn from our mistakes is sometimes something close - daft, perhaps.

head space 22:37:07 on Saturday, October 25 2008

We went out for a walk, me and my head. We badly needed it. I had been indoors all day, and my head had been doing ever decreasing circular thinking all day and was getting in my way.

It was peaceful and open and cool. There was no one else around as we trod through the fields, around the lake, along the path that follows the stream. In the distance, a train passed by a couple of times, and nearby leaves crunched beneath my feet and shifted from side to side in the branches above me.

My head gave me some space - it went on its own wander and I was left to just be. And when we got back together again, we were friends again.

approachable 00:48:18 on Sunday, October 19 2008

In the depths of my disease, I felt so alone. And I was. There were plenty of people more than prepared to support and help me, if I would only let them, but I didn't. And so I was alone.

Aside from the people who I knew, and who knew me, and who knew something about what was going on with me, there were all those people too, who I passed by in daily life but never got to know. I remember telling mum that I saw people avoiding me and that is just proved people didn't want to be with me. Yes, Alex, people may very well avoid you, she replied, but not because they don't want to be with you, but because they take a look at your frail frame and they are afraid.

Anorexia is a grotesque illness. Those who suffer from it are taken over by its ugliness. In recovery, beauty is restored.

And that beauty is not necessarily anything to do with "looks" - it is far more than that - it is about aura, attitude, energy, vibe... inner sparkle. I certainly can't claim to feel like I "sparkle" every day - but I have something today - and every day - that I never had when anorexia ruled me. People approach me, talk to me, ask for my help - be that at work or at leisure - in a school, in a meeting, in the street...

It's not the big things that are the most important things. Sometimes the real difference is in the little things. I was in the supermarket today and an elderly lady approached me in the dairy aisle, and asked for my help in finding the live yoghurt she needed (for her poorly cat). We spent two or three minutes seeking it out and chatting all the time, and she was grateful and I was glad to help and it meant as much to me as to her - that she had considered me to be approachable. I prefer life that way.

feedback 00:57:43 on Monday, October 13 2008

There were some very learned people speaking. And me.

I wasn't at all sure I measured up. And then I got feedback.

"...enjoyed the conference particularly Alex Corkran. I am glad that you re arranged the programme and we were able to stay for her talk, excellent, well presented, well written and a very articulate speaker."

Oh.

Okay.

Thank you.

confirmation 00:51:50 on Monday, October 13 2008

I was confirmed today. Oftentimes when someone goes through the process of confirmation they are in their teens. I'm in my thirties. More that once I have been asked, why did you decide to get confirmed now? I haven't seemed to have the chance to answer, but for the record, it's simply this -

- because now it feels right -

which is as much as I need to say to anyone who asks.

the clever stuff 01:02:18 on Sunday, October 12 2008

I have yet to come even close to working out or learning the REALLY clever stuff that can be done, but just to find out (a hundred years after the rest of you I don't doubt) how to ~~write a phrase that is all crossed out is something of a revelation to me~~ as I have never known how to do that before. And to have a variety of smilies to choose from is good too! And unlike the old site I can varythe font size without messing up the whole page (I think). And look here, I can even change colour!

Whatever next eh?!

WELCOME! 00:53:28 on Sunday, October 12 2008

So.... what do you think? Has the time and effort that Chris, Jim and I (but mainly Chris - designer and Jim - tech stuff) have put in to creating a new website for springback been worth it? I think so - but then, I'm biased....

There are still some creases to iron out, some info to add, but for the mostpart, welcome to my new site! I hope you will enjoy taking a look around and I will try to keep you interested and informed, with latest news updates, the usual dose of blogs, and alot more in the way of imagery.

Billy is chuffed to bits to feature on the homepage, and no doubt his face will feature in pictures within blogs - just as soon as I have learnt how to post photo's. And Billy aside, I am excited about posting pictures so that I can share some of the beauty that I see from day to day, in the hope that it will brighten your day.

conference (08.10.08) 00:41:52 on Sunday, October 12 2008

To say I was nervous is an understatement extraordinaire. I was speaking to a completely different type of audience and I had put together a completely different presentation.

I was well and truly outside my comfort zone. Oh heck.

It was amazing. For starters, I lived. Secondly, once I actually got on with it, it felt good. It felt right. It was all truth. I meant it, every word. And the bonus was what followed. When the room was invited to ask questions, two people spoke out. The first asked if where or how they could get a copy of my words, and if had I written a book. The second, a renowned speaker, rich in expertise said, simply, "thank you, your words were beautiful."

My heart felt warm. My soul was touched. My spirit was grateful.

And then, amidst the people I spoke to afterwards, someone came along, and without words, they told me, thank you. And without words, I said thank you back.

Often, a new challenge is no bad thing. I learnt at the conference - from other people, and also from me - and I was reminded that when we least expect it, if we give we may get back tenfold.

it's all about me, says billy 00:35:38 on Sunday, October 12 2008

Billy had been staying with my parents - again - whilst I was away for a couple of days work.

I went to collect him and as I walked through the door, as usual he went into crazy-puppy mode. Squeaking, squealing, bouncing, leaping. Full on hyper Bill. I knelt in the hall and talked to him and cuddled him and hushed him (with little success, as per norm) and he faffed about, throwing his little self at me time and again. Billy and me. Me and Billy. On the floor.

Somewhere up above us a voice quietly said "Hello Ali". Mum was standing there, patiently watching the pair of us, and wondering perhaps, when it was going to be her turn to get a hug from Al.

I rose to my feet. And gave my Ma a hug.

acroyoga update (05.10.08) 00:32:07 on Sunday, October 12 2008

Al's been flying again

I went to Brighton with Katy today, for an Acroyoga workshop. It was only my second experience of Acroyoga - a four-hour session for beginners - and it was wonderful. Like the first time (see august post) it was familiar stuff plus new stuff. Katy was a complete star - she may not have previous yoga experience but it didn't matter and she was the perfect buddy to take along - what a good sport!

Flying was fantastic - and even though it was only my second experience of this I could already feel a massive difference, and progress.

Acroyoga is not about being competitive or perfect, it is about having fun, laughing lots and sharing kindness, meeting challenges head on, but always in safety, and realising that you are capable of fantastic things - we all are!

It was inspiring, it was playful, it was hard work, it was kind. I felt alive, I felt good, I felt at one, and present, and I felt strong.

I will sleep well tonight, I know I will. And I may ache a little in the morning, but I also know that any aches are only because today I have the strength to work and challenge my body - it's awesomely better than the ache I felt when I was in the grip of anorexia, when everything ached - my heart, my soul, my body - every single day.

Wow.

home farm 00:29:07 on Sunday, October 12 2008

The success stories...

I have had one - or two - or three - bunches of sweetpeas from the garden, in the cottage, consistently, for at least the last ten weeks. Beautiful.

I have picked runner beans, and devoured them, and filled the freezer with the excesses, saved up to enjoy way past the harvest season.

Sweet, baby carrots. With no ground space left I sowed the seeds in pots - and to date this year has been my best crop yet!

Tomatoes. They smell homegrown, they taste homegrown, they usually get eaten somewhere between getting picked and getting in to the house.

The failures...

Note to self - don't do fennel or celery next year. They have been semi-acceptable, but not worth the effort and not what was hoped for.

Courgettes - my favourite. Four plants planted in eager anticipation of a glut of veggies. The actual result... one measerly vegetable which, frankly, is insulting.

Al

the ones that got away 00:25:30 on Sunday, October 12 2008

In the process of getting this, my sparkly new springback website up and running, blog posts from the last week got lost. With a little help from my (techie) friends, I've been able to access them from a backup file, and thus will re-produce them now - in the next four posts....