when someone dies 9:29 pm on Wednesday, October 31 2007

Losing a loved one is painful. And, as painful as it is, this is rightly so.

I had some very sad news this evening and I feel tremendous sorrow. Sorrow and sadness for the loss, and desperate for the people left behind, people who for now will be overwhelmed with nothing other than grief.

My most lasting memory will be of a very recent day we all spent together - lunch, chatter, laughter. There were six of us. It was enchanting. He was indeed an enchanting man. Always he will be remembered by me for that, and by me and so very many others, as a gentle, intelligent, humorous, incredibly talented, and much loved individual.

My heart goes out to his devoted wife, to his family, to his adoring goddaughter who is my sister, and to my parents who have cherished his friendship for all of my life time and for many years before that. Dad has lost a precious friend, and it hurts.

puppy dog tales, ch. five 2:31 pm on Wednesday, October 31 2007

It tickles me, watching him doing his best impression of a fierce guard dog, standing at the near end of the back garden, barking and growling (perhaps grumbling is more accurate) at the sheep as they graze beyond the far end of the garden.

They don't even flinch. Hed never get a job as a sheep dog.

home 11:19 pm on Tuesday, October 30 2007

Its good to be home. I have barely been away, but just two days of travels and many miles covered and plenty of new faces, and here I am back home.

Tired. Very tired. But good tired and certainly not defeated type of tired, there is a sense of peace for having lived a full, creative couple of days.

I feel very conscious of feeling the life within my soul, the soul within my heart, and the heart within my body.

The travels recommence very soon, in just a day from now. More miles, more people, more living, working and doing to do. And more experiences, more lessons, more learning.

For now, it is just so good to be back home.

wet 5:55 pm on Sunday, October 28 2007

Its raining today. Alot.

So weve cocooned ourselves under a dry (touch wood) roof, and stayed indoors. Lights on (as its so dark) heating on (for the sake of cosiness rather than because it has been cold) and sundays sort of music (you know the kind?) on the radio.

And in the face of an awful lot of work that is to be done, I have tackled some of it. Booked some train tickets for imminent working trips, dealt with some of Mount Admin, bought a wedding present online for a big day next weekend, made some calls. Hardly relaxing, but I feel more at ease for having got through some of the list (and cunningly avoided other things - such as the ironing).

And now that my bag is packed I must be on my way through the driving rain, to stay with my big sis and leave the puppy with her in the morning, as I head off on my travels into schools. A thousand miles later, it will be the weekend again. And hopefully (re afore mentioned Big Day) the rain will have stopped.

decision 8:50 pm on Saturday, October 27 2007

I am torn, but I am thinking that I am pretty much there, ready to make that choice that I have been struggling with.

It is a choice that has not been easy to make and still I have concerns over it. It is all about an image from the past - my past - that for the sake of those who may use it in the wrong way, for the sake of my own dignity, and for the sake of my incredible family who would prefer to be spared from seeing it ever again - I had never imagined that I would expose.

It is a decision that has endured immense soul searching, some sleeplessness, and conversation with people I trust. The response has been mixed and my feelings are mixed.

But you know what? If I am misjudged then so be it. If I can give someone somewhere some sort of hope that even when you are deep down far within that dark tunnel, there is still hope, and if it takes visual proof to confirm that, then it is worth doing this.

There is some time, four or five weeks yet, before I go public with the picture. Very public, in one of the most-read regular sunday magazines. In the time between now and then I will just get on with things, and if I think of it or feel afraid, I will remind myself of the reasons, and I will talk to people.

ps 8:38 pm on Saturday, October 27 2007

There is an objection being voiced in Spring Cottage this evening. Billy is keen to point out that far from being a waster, he is an asset.

The dividends reaped are as follows:

Conversation. Any conversation, he's not fussed. We can discuss politics, finance, business, or what to wear, anything is fine. He is prepared to engage in any subject.

Exercise. However stuffy I might feel, he will get me out there and fill my lungs with fresh air and give my legs a stretch.

Love. This is the biggest dividend of all.

puppy dog tales, chapter four 8:33 pm on Saturday, October 27 2007

He is an utter waster of time. But in terms of time wasters, I can't think of a better one.

3bt #14 8:30 pm on Saturday, October 27 2007

1. Crunching through newly fallen crispy leaves. The noise is delicious.

2. Billy bounce bounce bounce. Bouncing over fallen branches, around tree stumps, and bounding back to me.

3. Home again. Log fire. Warmth. Heat. Light.

google 8:26 pm on Saturday, October 27 2007

What was there before google?

Who are they? Ask google.

What does it mean? Ask google.

Where does it come from? Google it.

Google has alot to answer for

searching, sharing, keeping 11:15 pm on Thursday, October 25 2007

In ways it has been a quiet day. I have been at home. The furthest I have ventured is over the road into the field and across to the lake. With Billy, of course.

Nonetheless, it has been quietly busy. The business of The Business (springback, that is) has alot to keep me very busy. And the next three weeks are set to be hectic with much time - most time - on the road, getting out there, speaking to people.

In addition - and as some may be aware already - work related (and non-work related) I have plenty on my mind, and today this has been especially so. In the bigger picture, none of it is radical or mega. In terms of me, myself, and I, some soul searching has been going on as I have looked at decisions and feelings and my mind has been very busy and I've been thinking and thinking and thinking.

Ive shared some thoughts, and asked for some opinions and both the talking and the listening have helped. I think I am near to reaching one of the decisions that I need to make, and although I have fear around it, I am gaining faith that it is going to be okay. And I do believe that whatever happens, will happen because it is meant to be.

All sorts whirr about in my brain. Plans, concepts, jobs to do, jobs accomplished. People, places, sights and sounds. Hopes. Fears. Sometimes there is more, sometimes there is less, always there is some amount of inner thoughts and feelings that I hold within. I am a great believer in talking, sharing, openly and honestly, you know that. But that doesn't mean that I am not one of those for whom sometimes it is difficult to find the right words.

diaries 11:46 pm on Wednesday, October 24 2007

I wrote diaries for years. For many many years. I've leafed through a few pages tonight. It has been, in so many ways, extraordinary. I am reminded of good times and bad times, of delight and of torment.

I have read words that I put on paper myself, and I am in some ways so saddened. Desperate words, insane words, I really was very lost. In the darkest days I wrote many poems - poetry, prose and art were vehicles by which I expressed emotions for which I could find no other means of expression. And they spoke. Volumes.

Somehow or another, that darkest hour passed, even though the odds were stacked against me. This just reinforces my firm, deep, total belief, that there is no such thing as a hopeless case. And in that belief, I rejoice.

puppy dog tales, chapter three 11:36 pm on Wednesday, October 24 2007

If you want to shake his hand just let him know. Say sit and he will sit. And before you even get a chance to say paw you will find one (a paw) being offered up for you to accept.

Good boy.

truth 11:33 pm on Wednesday, October 24 2007

It isn't always pretty. But even when it isn't it is ultimately better to face it, realise it, and learn from it, accept it, proceed from it, and just keep on going.

Life is, after all, a journey. Ups and downs, good times and bad. And the past, even when remembered, is the past. Its over. I take many lessons from my past. I have my share (or more than my share) of regrets, but with each one I have also learnt something.

If life hadn't been the way it has been, I wouldn't be the person I am today. And today I am a well person, an active person, a person who is very much alive, and blessed. Despite the past, what more, today, could I possibly ask for?

searching 11:25 pm on Wednesday, October 24 2007

I am looking for an answer to a decision I need to make. If it was just about me then I think I have my answer, but it is not that simple. There are other people who I need to consider also.

I must speak to them. They matter. Alot.

raynauds 12:42 pm on Tuesday, October 23 2007

Its that time of year. Its starting all over again.

I love cold crisp mornings, dark evenings, the changing colours of the countryside that surrounds me, the refreshing chill in the air. Even in the depths of the darkest, coldest, shortest, wettest days, I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world - not permanently.

It is the change of seasons - the contrast - that I love. And the fact that just as autumn follows summer, so winter will be followed by spring.

Ill remind myself of this at those moments that I know will ensue when this circulatory syndrome is seemingly overwhelming, and I'm hurting. And I will just do all I can, to manage the symptoms and look after myself.

dilemma 10:29 pm on Tuesday, October 23 2007

I am faced with a moral dilemma and I don't know what to do. For the present, I will speak to people, trusted people, people who know me only too well. I will not be selective and I will be straightforward.

After all, if I want clarity, if I want a straight answer, I've got to encourage that, with a clear and honest and straightforward question.

Objectivity for the sake of the truth and the next right thing - whatever that may be.

puppy dog tales, chapter two 12:52 am on Thursday, October 18 2007

Moving in with me meant certain adjustments. For both of us. He needed to get used to my home and my daily life, I needed to get used to sharing these with him. Far more to the point the cat needed to get used to having a puppy in the house.

Shes still getting used to it. But we are getting there. And all 3 of us are upstairs just now. Billy is bobbing about carefree and careless, Aggie is demanding that he should not invade her personal space, and I am sitting here, quietly blogging, in the middle, doing my best to keep the peace.

All is calm in Spring Cottage tonight. For now, anyway.

campaigner 12:44 am on Thursday, October 18 2007

Its not a word I have ever happened to have associated with myself. But just recently this association has been made, by others.

And in the context in which it has been done, I like it. It has a positive energy. And if that is what is radiates, then I am honoured to be a campaigner.

hypocrisy, continued 12:51 am on Wednesday, October 17 2007

I have always maintained that I will not put personal images that reflect the damage of anorexia, into the public eye. I was asked today, if I would be willing to do this, and I declined.

I have since thought about it some more, but we need to be very very careful.

Whatever my final decision - and the horrors of the illness should not be denied or hidden, they need to be realised - it is very shaky ground. First of all I don't believe in the lasting value of shock tactics and secondly, images are not always interpreted the way you want them to be - the observer is sometimes looking on from a very dark and poorly angle.

It is my responsibility and my desire, to display and inspire life, and not display or inspire the walking dead.

hypocrisy 12:26 am on Wednesday, October 17 2007

It seems to me that it is worse than ever. The mixed messages we are fed on a weekly, daily, hourly basis.

The twisted fascination with shape and size and looks and style are unrelenting. If she (she being a loose term, covering both virtually anyone in the public eye or showbiz world) loses weight she is attacked, but also used as a product to boost sales. If she gains weight, much the same happens. No wonder she is in trouble.

Okay, so image does matter, like it or not, the reality is that yes of course it does. But it isn't everything. Health, happiness, and living according to a set of values that encourage and embrace the fullness of life - that is what is really important.

Not for the first time - and certainly not for the last - when I looked at the magazine shelves in a shop today, I was blasted with a quite literally hysterical, and for the most part cruel, festival of judgements on famous people. This is clearly a popular (and successful?) way of selling. Which is desperately sad.

If we change our behaviour we can break the cycle of destruction, a bit at a time, and if we keep going, one day might it even come to an end - or at least be contained, and less rampant?

puppy dog tales, chapter one 12:02 am on Wednesday, October 17 2007

Once upon a time we met, and he was particularly cute, and fluttered his eye lashes, and it was love at first sight. Then I had to go away and be grown up and think about it in practical terms.

But it was love, and pretty soon Billy moved in with me.

The end.

chapters two, three, four will follow

opening up 12:08 am on Saturday, October 13 2007

There is that expression that whenever a door shuts, somewhere else another door - or window - will open. This I believe completely and utterly.

The snag is that if we don't see - immediately - where that new opening lies, doubt can set in. We do, afterall, increasingly seem to hanker after instant results, instant information, instant gratification.

But all the same, despite the doubts, I do as I say, believe in new openings, new options appearing and making themself known, and fresh new beginnings.

As well as opening up of that sort, I am a a strong advocate of the other sort, as anyone whos heard me talk will be all too well aware. Opening ourselves up to one another, sharing our insides, our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights (in a forum that is appropriate and supportive) can sometimes, quite literally, be life changing.

My life changed when others did me the honour of opening up to me, and from this I drew the strength to start to open up too. It is quite amazing what can happen when you open the door and let someone in.

truly madly deeply 12:39 am on Friday, October 12 2007

3 beautiful things update, without the regular title, just because.

1. Truly grateful for all the love that I receive, and for being able to receive it, and feel it.

2. Madly busy, which is a Beautiful Thing because there is a point to it. It is not madness for the sake of madness.

3. Deeply asleep - shortly. And deeply utterly alive. And life is beautiful.

impossible impractical and what an imposition! 11:53 pm on Friday, October 12 2007

This week.

Okay, there was (and still is) the post strike, just for starters. Its a real headache. There is only so much I can do by electronic mail. The havoc is building up (and I know, I am not the only one to suffer)

Then the dog frightened me to pieces as regular readers will be aware.

Oh, and before that microsoft word decided to play tricks and I am now without the ability to do all sorts of vital basic steps - such as saving/editing/accessing documents. That needs sorting out soon. Somehow.

The article - marvellous reaction - fantastic! Only then my phoneline, including the broadband bit, were among several in the village who lost their service.

Phone line is all better now, hence I can sit and write this, but the internet is still not letting me access sites I really really need to access (okay, facebook might not be crucial, but its annoying all the same! And there are others sites I need to log on to)

I took all of it for granted until it all went somewhat wrong. I want my post sent and delivered. I want my puppy to be fit and well. I want enough hours in the day to catch up on the backlog of work, and I want free access to the world wide web.

Believe me, I want will get eventually!

wow 10:23 pm on Wednesday, October 10 2007

On a daily basis I feel immense gratitude for the incredible friendships I have, for the love I feel and receive, and for the blessings in my life.

I can't deny these - not even on the bad days.

Today has been a day where all of the above has been highlighted, magnified, and re-iterated.

It has been hectic, and mad, and complicated. If it all gets simplified though, taken back to basics, it has been amazing. People are a funny species. Funny, and utterly beautiful. You all mean the world to me. And we all make up the world.

Together we can acheive that which alone we could not even contemplate. Thank you.

Wow.

press release 1:34 am on Wednesday, October 10 2007

Food for thought, as it were

http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,,2186960,00.html

You know where to find me. If I can help, I will. If not, I will endeavour to help you seek out someone who can.

a mans (or girls) best friend 8:41 pm on Tuesday, October 9 2007

It has been a ghastly afternoon. Not a total crisis, but very scary. I was so worried about Billy the puppy, as twice he was sick, and all day he has been subdued. We went to see the vet.

I had to leave him there for an x-ray. Weep. And then an operation

I have spoken to Caroline just now and he is coming round from the anaesthetic, and I will see him and hope to bring him home tomorrow, stitched up, drugged up, and fragile.

My poor baby. My buddy. I feel as raw as if it was me who has just had there insides opened up. Get well soon Bill dyou hear me?

journey 1:10 am on Tuesday, October 9 2007

Growing up - for me - has had many highlights. And a share of low lights too. Tricky times, painful times, and indeed, utterly desperate times. I might have moved on from the past, but the future is in front of me and there are no guarantees about what that might bring.

I still have much to learn. And I still have many dreams. I have no intentions of stopping learning or stopping dreaming, for me these two things are fundamental parts of what make me feel alive.

I am prepared to keep on growing up for the forseeable. Living for today and working towards tomorrow. But not living in tomorrow, not wishing my life away.

Potentially - and on occasion also literally - the pressures upon us all are immense. Emotionally, practically, materially, financially, visually, physically - there are many pulls that can drag us down. But with eyes open, heart beating, and spirit willing, it is always possible to find a way through when the going gets tough. It is. We wouldn't all still be here if that was not so.

the owl 7:24 pm on Monday, October 8 2007

Billy and I went out for a walk at dusk. The air was still and damp and it was quiet. The new herd of brown cows had been moved a field away so we didn't have to negotiate our way through them which was something of a relief.

As we came close to the end of the walk, I saw something I have not seen for a very long time. I cannot remember the last time. Out there in its natural habitat. Free. Silent. Low flying. Spectacular.

I saw owls recently, beautifully looked after, and happy and healthy, and stunning participants in a display at Leeds Castle. This, however, this evening, was something quite different.

so true 7:15 pm on Monday, October 8 2007

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

I like it.

art and culture 7:10 pm on Monday, October 8 2007

I am really very privileged to work in schools. Every time I visit I am stunned by the incredible artwork that I pass as I trawl corridors making my way to the venue for my presentation. And I am not talking about Picasso or Turner or Warhole. I am talking about school pupils of various ages, whose work is displayed. And it is all, utterly, amazing.

Sometimes I get the chance to flick through a school magazine. And the poetry and prose stun me. There is a generation of beauty and intelligence and wisdom published in these limited editions and that is exciting.

Young people deserve recognition and acknowledgment and encouragement. I think you are all just great.

a big day draws near 6:58 pm on Monday, October 8 2007

Its moments away and I am nervous, excited, hopeful, and clock watching

Wednesday 10th October 2007 Springback makes its media debut. In the Guardian. Society section. See you there!

And I have little idea and no control (not a bad thing!) over it. Which is rather scary. But I am, as I say, hopeful. I have great faith in Mary who has been working on this with me and I know she will do a good job.

I thought I would maybe keep quiet about this until I had vetted the article myself on wednesday. But that is somewhat ridiculous - with the hundreds of thousands of people worldwide who read the Guardian already (and yes I am scaring myself now, acknowledging that fact) my keeping quiet with you reader, and friends, family and colleagues, about this particular article, is kind of irrelevant.

As for he who says any publicity is good publicity, I hope he is right.

M25 1:34 am on Friday, October 5 2007

The good news: I wasn't running late for anyone, I had arrived in good time on my way to my days appointments. I was simply heading home.

The bad news: Average speed 5mph.

Sigh.

autumn 1:08 am on Tuesday, October 2 2007

Inside the house are a tired cat and dog (and me). Outside its been raining cats and dogs. Tonight darkness fell earlier than it has done for a long time. The sea mist flooded the sky with fog, and the seagulls fell silent.

For all the bad weather and gloom, I am not complaining. The seasons are changing, any chances of a late summer are abandoned, and in many ways I am looking forward to cold crisp mornings, the trees exposing bare branches, and lighting the wood burner in the evening.

Spring, summer, autumn, winter. Each one of these bring new beginnings. Each one, each time they re-occur, is familiar, yet also - always - unique.