opening doors 01:07:51 on Saturday, January 31 2009

I do annoy myself sometimes (and I suspect I am not alone!) by the fact that I am happiest doing and learning and growing and yet there is a part of me (the Fear, the PROCRASTINATION!) that holds me back and gets me stuck.

When I get stuck, sometimes I jump out faster than you can blink. But there are plenty of other times when I sit in the stuckness a little longer, I stay stuck. Stuck stuck stuck.

I am busy. I am active. I am alive and well and life is full of all sorts. However, there are aspects of the busyness that need to change and move forward, on to the next step. I am young(ish) and I need to grow - I have been aware of that for quite a while now - that I am so focused on just one well-practised and highly tuned aspect of what I can do and what I have to offer professionally, that every other part of what I might - or could - do has been stifled.

There's been something on my mind for months - something that I would love to do but will it work, can I fund it, can I find the time for it, what will it lead to......?

Today, I signed up to it. I am committed to a new venture - a training course in an area that I love and that I believe might one day enhance what springback - and Al - has to offer. And after months of thinking and discussing and procastinating, now that I am going for it I feel a teeny bit anxious, and nervous, but overwhelmingly excited! Watch this space, I will keep you posted. A new door has just opened and I will take you with me as I journey through and see where it leads.

northern beauty 01:42:19 on Friday, January 30 2009

I drove through the darkness and driving rain before the sun was up, to catch a flight to Edinburgh.

As I got on the bus from Edinburgh airport into the city, the sky was blue, bright, and beautiful.

One of my best friends lives in Edinburgh - she fell in love with and married a scotsman. They are great friends to me and have seen me through the best and worst of times, and nowadays we remain close despite the miles between us. Many times when working in Scotland, I have stayed with them and enjoyed the opportunity to catch up and spend some time with them and three beautiful little girls. I love those girls so much! When I do stay I can guarantee that before I am out of bed in the morning I have three small people climbing all over me, and tickles and chatter follow.

This trip up north was just a day trip however - flight up, less than a couple of hours to spare, then a (old favourite ) school visit before returning to the airport and heading back home.

My friend is a busy Mum. She is a do-er. She does everything, involves herself with all sorts, helps anyone and everyone and has a heart and generous spirit that are positively immense. If she doesn't have time, she makes time. It took one phone call from me, on the airport bus, and a brief conversation for us to come up with a plan (okay - for HER to come up with a plan) - and we met, had a big hug, a big chatter, a quick lunch, and some time together (plus daughter number 3, age 3 and scrumptious).

No sooner had we said hello, it was time to say farewell - til next time - but the chance to catch up and the ground we covered and the quality of that time were top notch. It made my day.

Edinburgh is beautiful, as is that young lady and her family.

burning the midnight oil 01:23:22 on Friday, January 30 2009

No, not me, I've not been working late tonight. But someone else seems to have been, I've just received an email from the accountant - re accounts, and tax and all that jazz. Lots of paperwork to go through, sign, and then await the doom and gloom of a tax bill. Blah.

Springback is something to be proud of, it's a good little business, but like many small businesses in the early years, it's not an empire and whilst I live in a beautiful wooden cottage and I pay my bills I do sometimes wonder how I manage to do so - (I amaze even me!) but I do, and I am lucky for that. I don't know how it works, but it does seem that the saying is true - look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.

And then the tax man - - butts in and grabs a hooge fistful.

....Al

my anorexia 01:20:57 on Saturday, January 24 2009

It is true to say that I was lost. Lost in the grip of anorexia, for years. I wrote many words throughout those years - prose, poetry, letters, and diaries. Here's one snippet from the late 90's. The title... Lost.

Ducking. Diving.

Just about surviving

Running scared. Alone.

Never finding home.

Chaos, madness,

Overwhelming sadness.

Twisting, turning, lacking direction

All because of my sick perception.

Chapter two followed...

Obsessed, possessed

Ever more depressed

Fading body, fading mind

Fading faith in Humankind

Bruised, confused

Bewildered, bemused

Lying, crying,

Slowly dying

I wasn't having a good time - but that served as no incentive whatsoever, to change my ways, or start to let go. My brain and my understanding were not the tools that would kick start my recovery years later. I needed help from another. Thank heavens that I got just that.

first day at school 01:04:45 on Friday, January 23 2009

I forgot to tell you Billys news last week. He had his first day at school!

From time to time Billy travels with me - he's a good passenger and lovely companion - and given half a chance he would spend far more time in the boot of the car - he leaps in with glee at every chance he gets - even if we are going nowhere, and the door is left open he will sit there in eager anticipation. Crazy pup.

Anyway, Bill has indeed occasionally accompanied me on school travels - and whilst I go into school he has a kip. Not so last friday. Last friday he was invited in to the school, they positively pleaded with me that he could come in (not to my talk - I would have had to say a reluctant but firm No, not just because Billy would have stolen the show, but also because there is no way he would have sat quietly and let me do my thing).

The deal was that the Head's PA, a dog-lover, would Billy-sit. What an adventure for my boy. We arrived, equipped with treats, lead and bed (we don't travel lightly!) and Billy was as Billy is... he wagged his tail, he fluttered his eye lashes, he trottted through the office (and out of the office and into the Head's office - 0oops) he rolled over and flirted with anyone who came in, he inspected the contents of wastepaper baskets, and he was spoilt rotten.

Assured that he was more than happy I went off to do my work. When I returned an hour and half later, I was told tales of what he had been up to - meeting more new people, getting more attention, taking a walk outside... he had clearly enjoyed his first day at school entirely, and made a good impression.

Beneath that naughty squeaky surface, there's a clever little chap, very bright, highly sociable, nice nature, should go far... That's my boy.

grammar 00:51:33 on Wednesday, January 21 2009

With thanks to my friend, who you will know of as Leo, something to tickle your ribs. It's anonymous, but I whoever wrote it is on my wavelength completely - I almost feel justified (which pleases me no end!) for my inability to conform to the rules of grammar of the english language...

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;

but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,

yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;

yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,

and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,

yet hat in the plural would never be hose,

and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

but though we say mother we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

sniff update 00:41:29 on Wednesday, January 21 2009

Well I am definitely still alive and I don't have flu - not the kind that leaves you laid up in bed wondering if life is worth living (which I am told is the nature of "true flu"). That's the good news.

I feel like rubbish nonetheless. The "bug" that crept up on me has continued to creep - the cold symptoms (blocked nose etc etc) have been pretty minimal but each day since last friday they have been increasing. This morning I woke up with a blocked head, sore ears and a croaky voice. A cross, deaf, frog. R'bit.

I was brought up to believe that these things take "2 days to come, 2 days to stay, 2 days to go". Well, whatever I've got has been coming for nigh on a week. I hope it doesn't rest here so long, or take so long to go away.

Tomorrows school work has been postponed, fortunately. As it happens it works out best for them as well as for me. So I hope with a day that is not going to require too much of my voice, I'll be all the better for thursdays long travels and two presentations. Fingers crossed.

Splutter, cough.

(s'cuse me)

sniff 00:22:46 on Saturday, January 17 2009

It looks like it's my turn to come down with aches and pains and sneezes. My throat hurts, and I didn't sleep much last night and although I am tired I am avoiding bed because I am wanting to put-off another restless night.

I've been healthy and fit and well whilst many around me have been dropping like flies over the last few weeks. I suppose that now there is no escape and perhaps I've got what they've all had.

Sigh,

ripple effect 00:07:01 on Friday, January 16 2009

I was going to write a line or two anyway, tonight, about anorexia (and eating disorders as a whole) and addiction, being classed as a family illness. I was going to simply point out that yes indeed they are just that - and not because the family are sick - but because the symptoms of the illness are suffered by those who care, and the pain and the damage can spread far and wide.

As I logged in to blog, I read the latest comment, which ties in neatly and is entirely real and true. Zulu tells it as it is and as I have often said - and the pain that the illness creates amongst friends and families can really cut to the core, like a knife to the heart - a stab in the back.

The sufferer is not cruel or evil or bad - they are sick. This sickness however is spectacularly selfish and angry, and it can be very nasty. And manipulative. And dishonest. And confusing. The sufferer may most likely be a bright, kind, promising individual - with gifts and talents and beauty - but the sickness hijakes the whole damn lot, and takes a few extra's hostage in the process.

I was asked today, at a school, about how my relationship with friends and family is now - by comparison with when I was ill. I was able to relate a couple of stories that described the depths to which we all sank, and the masssive and total joy and closeness that recovery has earned us. I am not just lucky, I am not just blessed, I am immeasurably grateful and all the hard work has been worth it. Trust has to be earned, and that's the only way to make it lasting and real, it takes time, it is not easy but it is simple - and the result is beyond words.

Desperation has a ripple effect on the people around us. Smiles and laughter, when you get to them, can create ripples that rise up and evolve into rainbows. Stick with it. Walk tall.

thank you and goodnight 22:52:33 on Wednesday, January 7 2009

My sincere thanks to this solemn tree for her kind words of comment a few blogposts ago. I am very touched, and please don't say sorry - you have no need.

I haven't worked out how to respond to comments with another comment from me - this new website is taking some getting used to!

I have a long day tomorrow, and another long one on friday. I need to get some rest, and dream dreams. Tomorrow it's 400ish miles, and I just hope the traffic is kind and the roads are safe. There is a job to do when I get there, and I want to be there to do it, and I want to do it well.

Good night reader, sleep sound, secure and warm.

your time my time some time 01:00:44 on Wednesday, January 7 2009

We work according to what needs to be done. We conquer a great mountain and then another one appears.

She comes to see me regularly and she is willfull and feisty as well as fragile and compassionate. It is my job to challenge her anorexia - and it's not about food it's about control. She hates it, I know she does, but I take her to task over all sorts. We acknowledge the good, the progress, the acheivements, and we also tackle the bad - the OCD, the control, the fierce sense of routine and regime and habit.

She's got to know me better and better and I've got to know her. We have a kind of understanding and it seems to be working really really well. Not smooth, heck no, but it's working.

In her time she wouldn't do it at all. And my time is faster than she likes. But my time serves as a prompt, for change to occur, some time a little while later. Which is awesome, when you know the utter devastation that this illness has the potential for.

It's not a race, it's a process. As long as the process happens, that is what matters. She resisted today but I know that in time the next shift will happen - I've nudged and nagged, I will continue to nudge and nag and support and she will Get There. I believe in her totally. In time, she will believe in herself too. Give it some time.

little bit of heaven 00:47:00 on Wednesday, January 7 2009

I've not forgotten, indeed I think alot, about that place that I visited last summer. It was, for me, a little bit of heaven on earth, it was bliss, it was liberating, it was happy. I miss it. And I am dead set on returning. I felt more alive than ever and I sparkled - so I was told, and so I felt.

I tend to read the news mainly online and I have seen many pictures of a certain "celeb" abroad - and clearly that person is currently staying where I was. This person has been so very troubled and had extensive coverage by the press for quite some time now. If their time in my place of paradise can aid the healing and give them half as much as it gave to me, then that can only be good. It has alot to offer, and is inspiring.

I wonder whether there is a message I need to take heed of. I was inspired to do some certain new things - some changes - some learning - by my visit. Time has passed - and the messages are still there. Time to take action I know - so that after more time has passed I can say I listened, I heard, I believed, and I did it.

I want to look back with gladness - not with "if only"s. There is work to be done. Time to take the first next step.

baby it's cold outside 00:34:52 on Wednesday, January 7 2009

Jeepers creepers it's cold and don't we know it. I am luckier than many, that I do know - those who can't afford to put another coin in the meter, those who don't have a home, or heat, or light. Luckier than those who are infirm or alone. Blessed compared to many.

It is cold though, very very cold. I am trying my best to keep warm and battling to do so. Boiler has another strop today, willful creature that it is, and keeping spring cottage's temperature in double figures was a losing battle for the most part.

I've been wearing lots of layers and topped the bath up with boiling kettles, and a walk at noon through snow-covered fields did the world of good in terms of boosting my internal heating system, I was warm as toast when I stepped back through the door.

I had a shocker of a gas bill yesterday - a reality check - a realisation of just how much fuel prices have increased. I paid it off immediately as much as I winced doing so, we are all in the same boat.

Ouch, and brrrr.

On the up side - my magnets. I got myself another bioflow bangle (to replace the lost one) before christmas. It hasn't worked miracles (but why should it?) and my hands are a bit of a mess - BUT given the current climate it is incredible that my feet are still working, and are not in agonising pain. In fact, by my standards, they look pretty healthy. Which, given my experiences of secondary raynauds, is extraordinary.

Sometimes it is hard to really appreciate no pain, until you have felt real pain. Believe me, despite my chilliness, I am thoroughly appreciative.

going around in ever increasing circles 23:35:16 on Saturday, January 3 2009

The air was cold, the ground was frozen, the sun was bright. I had slept in late and after generous quantities of tea and toast I bundled myself up in several layers, and bundled both Billy and me into the car.

We headed four or five miles down the road and parked up on the edge of the woodland. We hadn't been there before, but I have often passed it by and thought about visiting.

In the small car park there was a vague map which I glanced at briefly. It wasn't very clear.

We set off, intent on walking half an hour in one direction and then turning on our heels, retracing our steps, and returning. The first half hour went according to plan... We walked through woods, along the edge of water, down the valley, across streams, through a clearing, over bridges.

Time to turn around - my face was frozen though my body was warm. My fingers were tucked into mittens and pockets but still feeling the nip in the air, and my feet wished they had another pair of socks on. We retraced our steps - or at least I did, whilst Billy darted and dashed over new ground, here there and everywhere. It wasn't long before I realised we were somewhere else to where we had been before, we were lost.

I shrugged the realisation off, didn't care, trusted that we were bound to be heading in the right(ish) direction.... until I started to doubt it.

A long half hour later, and after many moments of confidence, and even more monents of doubt, I was completely disorientated and at a loss. We walked. Turned around and walked back. Walked some more, Took another turning, to no avail. Later still we met some other walkers, and asked for help. They were at a loss as to where I was in relation to the road, but between the all of us we worked out the direction to follow to get to the road. Billy and I set off that way, and eventually, although it meant leaving the path and fighting through the brambles, we made our way up to the main road, from where we could follow it's way and return to the car.

It was a beautiful walk - it is a beautiful place. But I need to buy a compass.

01.01.09 01:39:38 on Saturday, January 3 2009

Happy New Year - belatedly.

I have specifically and definitely decided against New Year resolutions. That's not to say I don't have good intentions and hopes for 2009, but not New Year exclusive stuff.

If I had written a list of resolutions, I don't doubt that more early nights would have been included. Which is why it is just as well I didn't write anything - I'd have failed already!

But I do need to get more sleep, I know I do, and I know there are other things that I hope to alter in the coming days, weeks, and months.

Every day is a new beginning - every moment holds a chance for a new start, and change of tack - if needed - change can happen whenever and wherever you decide upon change.

Above and beyond anything else, my resolve is simply this... that I live life to the best of my ability and that I am true to myself and true to others too. That way I will sleep sound, no matter what time my head hits the pillow, and stand my best chance of getting to wherever I am meant to be.

christmas #2 01:26:59 on Saturday, January 3 2009

Well there it went. Christmas came, and is gone, for another year. I hope that you, reader, had a happy and peaceful Christmas.

I went and stayed with family and it was quiet and contented and good. I arrived with them on Christmas Eve and after supper and chatter we made our way to Midnight Mass in quite the most beautiful of places - Berwick Church. It is tiny, and spectacular, and overflowing with charm and spirituality. I felt blessed to be there.

On Christmas Day morning we were lazy and relaxed and after brunch we meandered towards the coast and walked across the cliff tops from the barn - Billy scampered, we walked and talked and breathed in the cold fresh air. The Seven Sisters afar, they sparkled. On Boxing Day it was bitterly cold and our Billy-walk was along the cuckoo trail and later, in the afternoon, we were joined by gorgeous people and sat by the fire and drank tea and ate cake. Billy was as Billy is - busy busy busy, and on the look out for crumbs. But when it came to the littlest guest - 16 month old wee thing - as she held on to her biscuit, well within stealing-distance, Billy looked on and didn't make a move - he's a naughty pickle, but his instinct to respect and tolerate and be gentle with small ones - children, toddlers and babes - is extraordinary. If his naughtiness is for the grown ups and his manners are saved up for the little folk then that is more than fine by me. Good boy.

After a beautiful forest walk on saturday, and lunch, it was time to gather up my animals and myself, load us into the car and head back to spring cottage. I was sad to leave, was feeling relaxed and rested, but it was time to go.

I am a lucky girl. I have a family that I will never - ever - take for granted. They have provided so much love and support to me - and I only hope that they know at least half of how much I love them.