marie claire mark 2 12:19 am on Thursday, January 31 2008

So, I couldn't find a copy because it is only those with a subscription who receive it as early as two days ago. Tomorrow it will indeed be on the shelves, and I will be off early to buy a copy and seek out The Article.

I know the words already - for they are my words. But nervous I am, about seeing it in print. I speak those words or many similar words, each time I provide a presentation. As the years have passed by I have provided hundreds of presentations.

Nonetheless, despite knowing my journey only too well, despite being in touch with it and having come to terms with it and moved on from it, when I did the work for Marie Claire and I sat with Emma for several hours, drinking coffee and answering her questions and sharing my thoughts and telling it as it was, something inside me was touched deeply and I suddenly found myself quite choked up with emotion.

One of the moments when this happened, was as I sat, grounded and present and alert, and I recalled the compassion and the strength of the friendships I have - that have survived my anorexia. Friendships that have absolutely and unconditionally and miraculously lasted, through thick and thin.

There have been absolutely grim and ghastly moments - long moments, repeated moments, moments that lasted for months and years - that would test the strength of any relationship. To have and to hold and to belong within my family despite those moments, and to have and to hold such precious friends, is nothing short of a miracle.

marie claire 9:15 pm on Monday, January 28 2008

Oh my word. I have had a text this evening from someone who once heard me speak and with whom I had a dialogue for a while, when she was asking me for help.

She has seen my latest article, in Marie Claire. It appears in the March edition of the magazine, which clearly is already on some shop shelves. I didn't think it was appearing until thursday, but obviously its already out.

Obviously, on hearing such news, I whizzed down to One Stop for a copy. They didn't have it. So I whizzed up to the garage. They didn't have it either. Perhaps thats because this is the countryside and we don't get things so quickly as up in town. Tomorrow as I make my way to Gatwick and on up to Scotland to visit a school in Edinburgh, I will continue on my mission to track a copy down. Fingers crossed. I am nervous. And impatient. And excited! Sort of.

The readership will be different to those of the previous pieces I have been privileged to have in The Guardian and the You magazine, and it will be interesting to see what the reaction is.

Like I say, fingers crossed.

puppy dog tales, ch. seventeen 8:36 am on Monday, January 21 2008

The decorator for the insurance company (yes I've been waiting a mere 299 days since the flood, for this work to get done) arrived an hour or so ago. A few minutes ago he opened the first pot of paint. A few moments ago Billy gave it a taste test and painted his nose in the process.

It may be ozone friendly paint, but surely that doesn't improve its flavour does it Billy?

spring back 8:46 pm on Sunday, January 20 2008

I just want my legs to work she cried.

I was reminded of when she spoke these words to me, and the terror in her voice as she said them, and how much I remembered feeling exactly the way that she did, as I neared the end of a long brisk walk - just shy of 8 miles (yes I am feeling virtuous!) - this afternoon.

It was just what I needed and it delighted Billy no end. I drove up to Bewl reservoir, which is absolutely vast and perfect for walking, and walk (and scamper) we did. We averted near-disaster within the first couple of minutes - Billy was so overexcited and charged around like a lunatic, leaping and bounding, and to the surprise - and horror - of both of us he leapt one leap too far, over the barrier and onto the wrong side of the wall that separates dry land from the water that is home to 50,000 trout.

There was no way of him getting back up unaided, the climb was steeply vertical and made of concrete. Lucky for us (by now a fellow walker was on his way over to offer assistance) as I lay on the sodden grass and stretched my arms over the edge, I was able to grab him by the shoulders and haul him back onto safe ground. He learnt his lesson.

And soon enough he forgot all about it and a very happy and muddy and satisfying long walk followed.

Going back to where I first started, the words I recalled, and the memories of my own past that they evoked, going out for a walk and enjoying it and soaking up the surroundings and stretching my muscles and having energy is a gift and a privilege and one of the many countless wonders of recovery. Getting well, accepting help, quite literally put the spring back in my step.

Like I say, it is but one of the wonders. There are many many more.

calm 9:44 am on Wednesday, January 16 2008

What a difference a night makes. The air is still and quiet and the rain has subsided. For now.

The view from where I sit here at the window, upstairs, is across the garden, the stream, and the fields beyond. Except that today is nearest field is not a field. It is a lake. No sign of the woolies and no sound of them baa-ing. Instead, for today, I look out at ducks paddling and seagulls swimming, and there is an orchestra of birdsong. I am sure that they are singing allellulias.

They can sing one for me, as I breathe a sigh of relief that spring cottage is not floating down the road.

hoping for the best 9:52 pm on Tuesday, January 15 2008

What a day -what a lot of weather. It was extraordinary to be woken in the wee small hours of this morning to such howling gales and raging downpours.

As I drove today, the fields around here were lost beneath the lakes that had formed and rivers had burst their banks.

Tonight, I am concerned. I am trusting to high heavens that all will be well and sure that it will be, but the village is on a flood warning and it is all far and away too close for comfort. We have flood defences and barriers, all construsted after the devastation of the flooding in 2000, before I moved here, when the high street found itself beneath several feet of flood water and many people had to move out, into temporary accommodation. The houses along my road were not so badly affected, but they were flooded all the same, and groundfloors and precious possessions of families who lived along here, were ruined.

The weather is loud and agressive and who knows whether it will pass quickly or slowly and what the final impact will be. All we can do is wait, and hope, and pray, and remain on guard should we need to get out.

3bt #16 12:03 am on Sunday, January 13 2008

1. Waking up to sunlight flooding through the window after the downpours of yesterday what a difference a day makes.

2. Waking up and then realising it is the weekend.

3. Huddling under the covers for a little while longer after waking, before ambling downstairs for tea and toast in peace and quiet.

lean on me 11:54 pm on Saturday, January 12 2008

Its something that we all want to say to someone we love when we see them in trouble.

And rightly so. Alot of the time. After all, we are - are we not - here for each other.

Sometimes, what we want to say, and what is best for the other person, are two quite different things. Which can be tough in the short and mid term, but worth it in the long run.

Much the same thing applies when we look at ourselves. When I look at me. What I think I want to do, and what I know I need to do might not always one and the same. Recognising this is one key to well-being - and inevitably it is ultimately preferable to any so-called quick fix option.

springbacks little helper 1:33 am on Thursday, January 10 2008

I have a fantastic group of 7 unique individuals who do freelance work for me, in schools, and they do it superbly and I am proud to have each and every one of them on board.

I have me, too, as part of the team, and my work takes me into schools, homes, and many peoples lives.

Its busy at the moment, very busy. Its the admin that is the main thing - since the wonderful reaction to recent publicity there have been many emails to respond to, many people to speak to, in a bid to share information, offer advice and guidance, and hope.

Springback is a young company. It is me doing what matters to me, and what can make a difference to others. As with any job, it is also my means of supporting myself and paying my way. If I could afford to do this work for free perhaps I would. But I cant. The one thing I loathe the most is the financial aspect. Springback is not a charity it is a business. But it is a business with a big heart.

And back to my point about the admin. In the (almost) three years since I have been going, I've not been in a position to take on any help with the office work. That day may come, but its not on the horizon as yet! Thus far I have juggled and done my best and sometimes got horribly behind, and eventually caught up until the next time. Today was the first day that springback had a little helper who came along and did a few hours of filing and sorting, was a welcome source of companionship (no offence Billy) as we worked and when we took a break to eat, was good company even when we got lost on the lunchhour dogwalk, and who helped me out no end with making a dent in the springback to-do list.

Thanks Mum.

walk in the rain 10:47 pm on Sunday, January 6 2008

Walk in the rain, indeed we did. Down by the sea on a vast expanse of beach. We walked and ran and threw pebbles into pools for the pups to chase. It was cold, it was windy and it was very wet and bleak.

I wouldn't have had it any other way.

The cold cut to my core, but to be out there, moving around, seeing, feeling, breathing, was wonderful. I have not forgotten, although I don't always remember, those days when taking one footstep hurt every bone in my body, when getting in to the car and heading off to wherever I wanted to go was not permitted, when I ached, and ached, and was too exhausted to live.

After a long week of moving in to 2008, a walk in the rain was what I needed. It would not have been better if the winter sun had shone, the stark beauty of the soaking setting was just right.

And at the end of this long week, and at the end of the cold wet walk, a rainbow appeared above me

lao tzu 10:38 pm on Sunday, January 6 2008

Sometimes it is the words of someone else, that do the talking for us.

from Tao Te Ching

The supreme good is like water, which nourishes all things without trying to. It is content with the low places that people disdain. Thus it is like the Tao.

In dwelling, live close to the ground.

In thinking, keep to the simple.

In conflict be fair and generous.

In governing, don't try to control.

In work, do what you enjoy.

In family life, be completely present.

When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you.

Not a bad basis for a value system, I'd say

puppy dog tales, ch. sixteen 12:19 am on Friday, January 4 2008

Whys his tummy gurgling so much? Whats he eaten this time?

Despite his varied diet (Ive run out of dishcloths now, since he snitched the last few) and despite his constant leaping, and despite the fact that he thinks the sofa belongs to him, Billy is a dude. And he's mine, all mine

Hes only too (too too) happy to be fostered and nurtured by any admirers out there - and there are plenty, but I gloat with glee that if ever there is a voice that brings him running back every time, its mine.

Good boy (mostly).

3bt #15 12:13 am on Friday, January 4 2008

1. Puppy dancing as snowflakes fall onto his nose.

2. Cup of tea

3. Being able to pick up the phone, or email, or text, or write, or meet so many means of having no excuse to feel alone. Communication is key to so many things. And we have so many means of communication. Beautiful.

a new year 2:02 am on Wednesday, January 2 2008

I slid in to this new year with mixed feelings. New Years Eve was a rollercoaster ride of emotions and whilst during the day I spoke to some friends, and saw others in person, there was a big cauldron of feelings that was bubbling away and it was effervescent and it did overflow.

I did smile. And I did laugh. And I did both with conviction and energy. I also wept. Which is not me - not the norm. But I will own it here, that it was a tough day, and I won't go into detail but I will be honest about the fact that it wasn't easy, and there were tears.

Life is life, and it is for living. Sometimes my heart aches, and sometimes my head hurts, and sometimes life chucks another hurdle or challenge in the path. But as the saying goes, and logically it must be true, we are never faced with more than we can handle.

Each laughter line, each frown, each experience, is but a part of the rich and eventually beautiful tapestry. Never mind new year each new day is a new journey, a new beginning.

The tears come, and they go. As does the laughter. And we live, and we grow, and we learn.

Happy New Year 1:47 am on Wednesday, January 2 2008

And so we welcome in 2008. I hope it is a good one, for one and all. For all of you.