new day 12:44 am on Tuesday, January 30 2007

Im tired. Very tired. But theres a solution to that one approching - and in a moment I will fall into bed. I have a hectic time coming up and a sore throat to boot. Damn.

But thats why they invented lemsip.

Sleep, some self-care, plenty of lemsip (or beechams powders or whatever..) and itll be ok.

And I intend to dream a dream of a holiday in the sun. It will happen. Honest

At-ish-ooo

a certain bear once said 2:00 am on Thursday, January 25 2007

the more it snows, tiddly pom, the colder my toes, tiddly pom, are growing.

The snow is beautiful, the blanket of whiteness is so peaceful and so natural, and I am grateful that I can look out on it from a warm home and not have to shivver.

But the temperatures have intensified some pains, and the symptoms have been angry. Doctors and conventional medicine has not brought any joy in finding an answer after 3 years of trying. I think it is time to try an alternative route, see if something more holistic, more natural, might be out there and able to help.

On the plus side, by way of having a reality check, were it not for Recovery, things would most likely be immeasurably worse.

Cold fingers crossed.

Tiddly pom Al

hello 12:39 am on Wednesday, January 24 2007

Hello just wanted to put a point out on the www. for anyone whos interested.

I was at a school today - one of the most stunning and beautiful ones I have been to. And I spoke to a group of girls. They - and I - endured a somewhat freezing theatre, and I spoke, they questioned, I replied.

The point I want to raise is re concerns around eating disorders. I spoke to more than one girl, about boys who are in trouble.

Food, eating, image, self-esteem these are not exclusively girlie issues. I hear it time and time again, and I know it, see it, hear about it, listen to it. Please, start to realise it male, female, we are all in the same boat and we all have our cross to bear.

And we all can be helped. But it starts with owning whatever is going on, taking a chance Promise you all, its worth it.

all in a days work 2:19 am on Tuesday, January 23 2007

Was very many miles to get to and from work today. 1 car, 2 tubes, 6 trains, 12 hours travelling.

Was it worth it?

Absolutely.

Which is why I do what I do and why I will keep doing it. Springback continues to spring back - and forth - and its great to have that opportunity (even when it involves 600 long miles )

Sleep well. I will.

alone in the crowd? 11:10 pm on Sunday, January 21 2007

We, none of us, are every really alone. Even at that darkest hour. I strive to point that out to anyone and everyone and help them to believe it. Because I never did, and I was wrong.

I have been touched and heartened by hearing from so many young people over the years. Referring to some contact recently, thanks to the world wide web and good old email, I've been priviledged to be trusted with some painful feelings and honesty. Sometimes it is hard to be honest, if you have guilt and/or shame and/or fear getting in the way. But believe you me, it is worth the chance when we share something of ourselves, we stand the chance of getting something back.

When we batten down the hatches and lock ourselves away, there is little to gain. And there is more than just a little to lose.

by george 5:58 pm on Thursday, January 18 2007

Impatience won over this afternoon. The gales are apalling, like through most of the country and my garden is struggling to cope. The shed doors have fallen off, the trellis has fallen down and a couple of trees have been uprooted. Compared to many though, I have got away very (very) lightly - the news reports are tragic.

But as I say, despite the weather and the warnings, I couldn't (wouldnt) wait so I got into the car and drove a couple of miles down the road to collect my latest bargain - a little french vintage table. I parked around the corner and walked to the shop. Exactly opposite where I was, on the other side of the road a loud crash sounded as the giant pub sign outside The George Inn was blown from its iron frame and swept to the ground. It is a very weighty piece of kit and the force with which it fell was massive.

How precious - and vulnerable - is life. Even walking along one side of the road rather than the other has the potential to change things, quite literally, forever.

gift of a stranger 6:03 pm on Tuesday, January 9 2007

Although it is a word that does exist in my vocabulary, I don't believe in coincidence for me what happens is because it is meant to, even if it takes a long time to understand why.

We are all on a journey, and as we follow the road we have choices to make as to which road we take. Do we go left, do we go rightdo we stop for a rest, do we pause to help the weary. Do we walk tall and look at what is above us, below us, and all around us, or do we focus on the road ahead. Do we journey alone or in company, do we talk to the people we pass.

Our lives are all touched by the people around us, of that I am sure. Even the people we find it hardest to concur with, they provide us with gifts. It has been through getting to know other people that I have come to really know who I am. And as I journey forward, I will meet countless more - and we will learn more about one another, and I will learn more about me.

Some of the most precious lessons I have ever learned have come from people whose path crossed with mine just once, just for a moment, just by chance. And I don't believe in coincidence

Al.

eureka! 10:49 am on Monday, January 8 2007

A mere 6 week delay, but I have broadband back

Al.

wonderment 1:23 am on Saturday, January 6 2007

It has been a bit of a week. Ups and downs. Alot on my mind and there have been both laughter and tears.

What happened today has surely swept me right away. Incredible.

Since moving here over a month ago I have failed to venture down to Hastings and find my local bank branch and supply the necessary paperwork and id to change my address on their records. Today I decided it was high time I got on with it. So off I went.

It was raining and miserable. I was tired and preoccupied. But I found the car park, found the shopping, found the bank. I ventured in and took my place in the queue. Shortly I was summoned over by the cashier, and then swiftly launched into my reasons for being there. I was interrupted by her. Alex? she said, Yes I replied. Alex Corkran?. Yes. Who was she? I knew those eyes, but from where, from when?

Alex, she said, its Nikki.

Its been ten years. Ten years since we shared days weeks and months in the same south london specialist unit, fighting against the experts as they endeavoured to save our lives.

I have thought about this girl so much, for so long. I have desperately feared finding out what happened to her as for the majority of us who knew and loved her, heaven was looking like the only option. I cannot believe that she is where she is - a beautiful young woman, married and in 8 weeks time she will be having a baby. It is truly amazing, utterly awesome, and reader I promise you that this fits with the original definition of the word Miracle.

Im so lucky. I am alive. I have been at a point of losing all. Nikki was at that point many times. I cannot believe that this beautiful person is here, a few miles down the road from me, and I cannot believe what happened today.

I went out into the garden tonight. The sky was full of stars and sheep are bleating in the field. Traffic is roaring but I didn't listen to that. I simply heard the sheep and looked up into the darkness and saw the twinkling lights. They were truly beautiful. Take a look, its fantastic out there

2007 12:37 am on Wednesday, January 3 2007

New Year, but just another day.

bye for now big sister, and bon voyage as you head back to Texas for a few more months, before you move back home.

My sis is both my sister and also my friend. A friend quite like no other. New Years Eve we glammed it up in jeans and aprons and painted pictures and chatted and laughed. A big party, a fancy do, would have been - I sense - not right. A chilled out evening with someone I love, who accepts me, who I can share my joys and my latest woes with, was just perfect.

Tears and laughter, hope and sorrow, ups and downs. For the most part, we get all of these and more. In the bigger picture, its fair to say they balance out. Impatience, fear and projection get in the way, but ultimately, what will be will be, for good reason.

Al.